I'm low at the moment.
I seem to be longing to speak with him on the phone. He was never too busy for me. Never. A little time was always made for me. To make sure I was ok. To make sure I wasn't feeling like cutting or doing something more drastic. I need that friendship back. Not him, just the friendship.But I don't have anyone like that anymore. Sure I have friends but I feel guilty for burdening them with my problems.
I just want to scream. Scream and scream and scream.
But I have to go nearly two weeks without an appointment. I can't cave now. If I do then I have nothing. I'd go for a walk or a cycle or something but my bike is at dads and I don't want the questions which would be garanteed to await my return.
This ****ing thing is ruining me. If only I wasn't screwed up and could feel all those positive things, then I'd be a decent person. Only then would I be worthy of their love. I am a cold hearted bitch because I can't return their love or express the love I have for them.
Not only that but I have been made to see that the one person I truly loved without anything to really frown upon was out of line and in the wrong. She's caused me such pain simply because she couldn't keep the boundaries clear.
I'm cracking. I can't keep going on like this. I'm going to break soon. I can feel it. They are trying to help me, but they don't quite realise how out of their depth they are with me.
