so i wake up
i'm on my bed
i open my eyes
and there's writing all over my body
whore
fat evil bitch
dirty
slag
****
karen
peter
luke
karen
karen
it's written in lipstick, the lipstick that's lying completely used up on the floor and leaves a big red smear on the carpet
i scrub and scrub but the skin is going red anyway so cant tell whether it's still leaving a stain
cry and cry.
patrick says it was me, a part of my brain is doing this. that the evaluation on monday stirred it all up
relatively normal for the rest of the day
miss lara and lottie... i want them to come back. i cant function without them.
just messed with my head.. punching kicking triggering myself over and over again
started a thread on Venting but it quickly turned into a grossly explicit list of sexual assaults - the one I tried before that was just a minute-by-minute account of how many hours it was since I last ate
I torture myself. I feel better, I watch friends and scrubs and have some cereal, then i come back upstairs and read the explicit posts while hitting and scratching myself and hurting.. like.. naughty parts
KAREN is carved into my arm
i think lottie did that
she was 9, patrick says what if she is the age she was when karen made me kiss her in the bad places
and lara is 13, and thats when peter did those naughty things
so it makes sense, sort of
but it hurts
i'm insane
there's nothing I can do
i'm just drinking all the time.. all my money goes on alcohol and i cant afford it
i cant even afford cigarettes - i'm getting by on the cheapest tabacco i can find just so the rest of it can go on the highest number of units for the cheapest cost
i wish i was DEAD its all wrong in my head........ all wrong all wrong all wrong
