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CPN appointment.
I just need to kind of debrief after my appointment. It was really good in a lot of ways, but also really difficult in others.
We spoke about the recent difficult time that I had. She said it looked like I was being 'tortured' when she saw me last, which is a little bit dramatic, but I get what she meant. She said that I look a lot better now. We were going through my care plan in detail (we had a computer in the room) and she said that it's obvious that I try really hard, and that though I said these episodes just pass, I actually do a lot to help myself and they would last longer if I didn't. It was nice for her to say those things. I sometimes don't think I'm trying hard enough. I don't know. If I was trying harder, these things wouldn't happen, would they?
We also went through my risk assessment stuff. That was really hard. There was one part, from when I was under early intervention, that said that it had been withheld from me that my Mum had contacted them about self harm, because it would have affected my 'engagement.' EI always promised that they would tell me if my Mum rang them, but that was obviously untrue. I understand that they had their reasons, but if it was possible that they might not tell me, why promise otherwise?
There was also a bit where I was IP. I had a burn and they said that I had tried to set myself on fire. I have NEVER done that. It was put on there that I was at risk of setting an accidental fire. I've never messed with fire or anything that might cause it. My CC is going to try and get it removed because she believes me, but it's been on there since 2014. I know that mistakes can be made, but that's quite a big mistake to make.
I told her that I'm scared I'm going to end up dead during one of these episode. She said she can understand that. I don't know. I don't want her to understand. I don't want it to be an issue. I am scared that I'm going to hurt my family. I see the doctor at the end of next month. I might ask him about it and see what he says.
I don't know what I'm looking for, really. A hug? A bit of feedback on what you think? Anything would be good.
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