That you think that you felt justified in talking to me like a smug condescending twat when I got frustrated with you not remembering yet another conversation is fucking mind blowing to me. ‘I’m just making a statement. I don’t remember.’ In that tone of voice like I’m a toddler being unreasonable. Listen to yourself, just fucking listen.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Fuck you for blaming me and saying you have noone, I'm here every day for you and have been taking your emotional weight, you come home, yell at me and storm out saying I don't understand, at least you've got company, I've been on my own with this grief every day for hours basically while you see aunty etc and your seeing her again for the next two then I have a conference. I know that it isn't easy but it's the basics what you're doing, I'm doing the order of service and a reading and the music. And I'm alone in pain and alone and I don't talk to you because you get pissy like you're the only one with a right to grieve, and say I make everything about me which is actually what you're doing right now! Why can't i cry? Just because im.crying doesn't mean im deteriorating
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I want more to live for, surely It won’t be like this forever.
Will I be able to regain my mobility or will I be condemned to this for a lifetime.
I want more to life than just surviving.
The stress of it all is fucking me up.
Have done some work the last two days to get ready for next week and got to enjoy light chest pain both times. I hope it’s just start-of-term nerves because really ceeb for going back to that level of anxiety
wtf do you mean someone will let me know ‘if it’s appropriate to begin treatment’?? I’ve been waiting for this for months if you suddenly decide I can’t have treatment I’m going to actually cry.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Lol do you know how hard I find it to make friends?? I've been here six years and made two friends, both from work. Of course I'm going to socialise with them in the summer. Fuck you with all your non-work friends!
(just me, overreacting to a work email :P)
I was never the problem. Occasionally I realise that just out of the blue. You cannot blame a literal child for an adult's inability to parent. You cannot tell a literal child that they just have to deal with the consequences of an adult being an alcoholic, because breaking addiction is hard. It just doesn't work like that, even if you somehow manage to convince said child that drinking is entirely out of your control.
I remember the note I left you, about how I didn't like how you changed when you were drunk, and your response was to sit me down (at the pub) and explain that you were addicted and couldn't do anything about it so I just had to suck it up. And yet, I am the 'problem daughter', the 'lazy' one, the 'selfish', 'childish', 'spiteful' one. You even had the audacity to try to convince me that delirium is equivalent to being drunk so I clearly meant everything I said when I was completely out of touch with reality. The fun thing is when I bring up the way you behave when you're drunk you take zero responsibility.
You say all the time in front of professionals that you'll do what's needed, that you're here for me, and then as soon as they're not watching you refuse to do anything that requires the tiniest amount of introspection and continue to try to 'tough love' (bully) me into being the way you think I should be, because in your mind I am the only one who needs to change, and my struggles formed in some kind of vacuum.
Fuck. You.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Seriously? Get a text from the GP surgery saying that my test results are back and I need to speak to a GP so can i call or fill in an online form.
Ring, explain it to them, they tell me to fill in the form.
Get a confirmation text to say it will be 21-28 working days before they will contact me to let me know WHEN someone will review my query...
WHAT THE ACTUAL????
The covid system doesn't work. If I need to speak to a GP about blood test results... why can't they call? Why can't they book it when I'm on the phone? Why are you making me fill in a form that is going to leave me sat here for a month.
I just can't with you.
Just to say... I have absolutely nothing against the NHS. Just the current way it is falling apart.
Fuck off fuck off fuck off I want to sleep I don’t want to be managing these constant triggers. The world is ending and I just need to buy a new kettle or something.
I need you to be quiet I can’t cope this is crumbling the terror is bursting out of my chest and I just need five minutes of peace.
This godawful festival needs to die a death too.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
You let me down again. You’re supposed to be my mum.
Why can’t you just be a parent for once. All you do is think about yourself and it’s making me resent you.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Do you expect me to be impressed? You’re going to get a criminal record and get in serious trouble. You’re acting like you’re untouchable and you’re not.
You put this family through so much and you don’t take responsibility for a single bit of it.
You make me so fucking angry.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
‘I can’t be arsed, I don’t want to go through all that again’
Fuck off, you didn’t go through all of anything and we had the conversation time and again how you had to ask to speak to the specific doctor, and you said you were going to do it.
‘I asked to speak to a specialist’
Just behave like we didn’t go over and over why that doesn’t work then, I guess. Come whinging about it at me again and I promise I’ll ignore you.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Don't ever show up at our place, we don't want to see your face. It's literally been the same rule for YEARS, you narcissistic, ableist, transphobic jerk. You ruin my day with your presence. You're terrible and you disgust me.
You don’t know anything about me. You think you do but you don’t.
You’ve never shown any interest, you never let us fuxking talk. You have no idea.
How dare you. I have done nothing but give you my love and it’s never enough for you! It’s never enough. How dare you call me such disgusting things.
How dare you call me controlling! I have no control over anything. I’m stuck in the god damn house. I don’t get to see anyone. I’m don’t even get a say over the running on this house or about this fucking family.
I fight you’re fuxking corner and you do nothing but slag me off. Fuck you!
You’re so selfish. You cause nothing but stress to everyone around you and you don’t bother to think of anyone but yourself.
Sometimes I actually hate you. You’re so cruel to the people who love you and I’m so fuxking tired of it. Fuck you.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
![[Luna]'s Avatar](image.php?s=0c694dbd78b0a57b27d3c25f0c4d4b29&u=32920&dateline=1692390196)
