And that’s all it! It’s officially over. She’s really gone this time. My only reason for getting out of bed is gone. The only reason I’m still on this earth is gone. The last thread of any will to live has been snapped. I knew it was gonna happen. Why did I ever even get my hopes up?! Why did I even let it happen?! It was only prolonging the inevitable. It was only standing in the way of me knowing that I truly am a complete failure, waste of space and someone who never should’ve been alive in the first place! Sure she made me believe otherwise for a few months but it was all fake!
I thought I had nothing before but somehow I have even less now! I thought I’d hit rock bottom but I found a way to dig through to a whole new level of low!
I don’t know what’s gonna happen now….
I don’t think there’s enough drugs on earth to numb this pain. I don’t think it was possible to cry this hard. I would give literally anything for it to end right now.
Excuse me while I try to find something to numb this pain…
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Help me please! I don’t know what’s going to happen to me!
Very obvious that I’m more alone than ever and that no one in this world gives a **** about me!
I’m at a level of desperation i’ve never been at before.
I’m scared!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Who says you're a complete failure, waste of space and not deserving to be alive?
Your lack of self worth sounds like its killing you inside. Where do you think you've learnt these negative thoughts about yourself?
I'm really sorry it did not work out between the two of you.
Do you have anybody professionally who you could reach out to, at this time?
"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.."
Nothing for me to do but just wait for the end at this point! All I have is the comfort that this pain won’t have to be with me much longer.
I’m sorry I dug up this thread again to waste everyone’s time. I think it’s best if I just leave now….
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Many people may feel the way you do. You're not alone here.
I don't think you should leave this thread, if sharing your feelings help.
"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.."
To answer your question about where I learn these thoughts, I think I just picked them up from experience. I think they’re just honest to God true. I think it’s just 35 years and almost nothing to show for it will lead to some very negative thoughts.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Yes, I understand about learning negativity from experience. It is very hard to oppose these thoughts when you think they are true- it is a real struggle.
What would you like to show the world, for your 35 years on this planet?
I understand a romantic relationship is really important to you. Do you think an opportunity to find someone else would open up to you in the future?
"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.."
I guess I really just wanna believe that I serve some kind of purpose and had some kind of impact on this world. Preferably a positive one.
As for a romantic relationship, I think it’s about time I gave up on that altogether it’s obvious that it was never meant to be for me. It’s one of the reasons I’ve pretty much given up on life all together as well.
I’m sorry if my answers aren’t that great. Tough for me to answer these questions because I’m kind of tired to think right now and I really truly believe I shouldn’t be alive right now. So it’s really tough for me to answer questions about a life I think I don’t deserve to live and really don’t want to live.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Okay, don't worry about your answers- I understand you are distressed.
Have you ever seen a psychiatrist or psychologist before and discussed your problems with them?
There is help for you out there, regarding your feelings about relationships, and a purpose to life, as well as your use of drugs/alcohol. I know from experience, there are people to support you and help you get through this frightening time.
If you feel you're going to act on any thoughts of suicide, I urge you to seek help.
You're going through a very painful time right now.
"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.."
Here’s the thing. I’ve been in and out of various forms of therapy since I was 7 years old! Yes, 7!
I’ve tried that route. I’ve gone that route. There are times I thought it worked but I always end up right back where I started. It’s a pattern I’m tired of repeating. Eventually I just wanna say stop the ride and get off. At this point I have no insurance or any resources or anything like that anyway so even if I wanted to go back to therapy, it’s not an option for me at this point.
As for the suicide thoughts, I don’t plan on acting on them at the moment. I’ve calmed down considerably in the last hour or so. I can’t promise anything for the future though because who knows what will happen?
And while I am not acting on any suicidal thoughts right now I still don’t have any desire to live. The alcohol and drugs to serve a purpose of declining my physical health in the hopes of speeding up the process of me dying sooner. I’m already 90% dead inside, I’m just still breathing.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I can hear what you're saying about how tiring and repetitive being in therapy for so long was, and how you don't want to go there again.
When you say, "I always end up right back where I started," has that got to do with your problems with your purpose in life?
Do you have any friends you could talk to? Sometimes just having a good conversation with someone you know, might make you feel less alone.
I understand your need to have a positive impact on the world- but people's worlds are generally small- you can have a positive impact on people in a small way- like having a good conversation with a friend, being a kind and decent person to others, helping people out through volunteering maybe, if you'd like to help society. I know all this is difficult when you're suicidal but when you get through this, there is light at the other end of the tunnel. There are plenty of opportunities to help your community when you get better.
Alcohol and drugs is a long, unpredictable and painful process of dying. I understand where you're coming from but it's not worth it.
"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.."
Sorry to have wasted everyone’s time with this thread. I always end up right back where I started or worse! Some people just aren’t worth saving and I am one of them.
I’m just a professional screw up who doesn’t deserve to live!
I’m slipping and I really don’t know how much longer I can hold on!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 16-05-2023 at 12:30 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What does one do when they are alive but they really shouldn’t be? What does one do when the only thing they are is a completely professional failure? How does one live who doesn’t deserve to live? How does one continue to exist on this earth when they don’t belong here?
Why am I even still breathing when I’m already 90% dead on the inside?!
I’m sorry I’ve been such a failure and a waste of time and space!
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Why do I ever get my hopes up?! All it does is prolong the inevitable! I’m a failure who doesn’t deserve to live! End of story!
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 17-06-2023 at 01:57 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I don’t know what I’m allowed to say here but honestly I’m beyond help at this point. It’s too late for me. I’m sorry I dug this thread up again to bother you and waste your time. I’m just gonna leave now.
Don’t worry about me. I’m not worth it.
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 17-06-2023 at 01:57 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I wonder if you're aware that this site is a peer support forum? Everybody here has their own struggles with mental health, lots of people are going through very difficult times, and people are taking the time to respond to you, just for you to reply insinuating that you're going to seriously harm yourself, before disappearing for a few weeks or months. I'd hope that you could try to appreciate how distressing that can be for anybody, especially taking into account mental health difficulties and personal experiences.
You've not taken any of the heartfelt support you've been given on board, and you've made no indication of what you want from your posts so is it a reasonable guess that you're posting in hopes that people will care and worry about you? It must be incredibly difficult to feel so alone but please remember we are real people who experience real distress too, and these interactions have the potential to be incredibly damaging.
If I am wrong, please correct me - and it would really help if you could let us know what you want or need from us so that we don't keep going in circles.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I‘be been on this site for 17 years. I’m well aware of what it is for. I don’t appreciate your tone and accusations. I have taken several people’s advice MANY times and it has saved me. Again, why do you think I’ve lasted 17 years on this site?
I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone but it’s the God’s honest truth. It’s how I honestly feel. I do NOT appreciate being accused of wanting to make others worry! I may be a piece of scum, a failure, and complete waste of space but I would NEVER intentionally cause someone worry!
The fact is, I only post here out of absolute desperation. Please understand, this site is literally my only support! I can’t afford therapy and I have no friends or family! It’s sort of my last resort. Again, I’m sorry if I upset anyone!
As it obvious I’m no longer welcome here. I do think it’s best if I leave before I cause more damage. I’m sorry!
EDIT: If there is anything in particular you wish for me to delete out of its overtly depressing nature, I will oblige
Last edited by CaptainB2 : 17-06-2023 at 01:40 AM.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Long story short, my ex started talking to me again and even got my hopes up about a reunion. Then this morning I found out she just began another relationship!
So, I’m dealing with a broken heart all over again. Her being in a new relationship wouldn’t be half as bad if she didn’t give me hope of getting back together.
At this point I will do ANYTHING to make the pain go away. I had actually started to feel a bit better about myself until she went and stabbed my heart yet again!
I’m safe for the moment but I don’t know for how long. As for what I want. I guess I just want to NOT feel pain. Every time I take I one step forward, it’s followed by 2 steps back.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense but it’s all I got for now.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
