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Returning after many years
Was a member here with a different username for a few years around 2007.
I?m 52, I?ve self harmed on and off since I was 13.
So much has gone on in my life, particularly over the last few years I?ve found myself struggling a whole lot more.
I realised I was asexual when I was about 35. When I tried to open a conversation with my husband, the underlying emotional abuse which had always been part of our marriage escalated - to the point he?d go for up to a week not talking to me.
From the outside though of course we had a great marriage.
He died unexpectedly in 2020 and the abuse was something I came to really appreciate had happened, I?ve still not really started dealing with it, along with that was my sexuality. As a panromatic asexual that?s something which I?ve found even among the LGBTQIA+ community I often need to explain. Although to be fair I?ve found a group of amazing people through my workplace, and my friends and adult son have been amazing - it?s still something which I know can isolate me.
Being the age I am, in the midst of this I hit menopause, at one point I was barely able to do anything because of anxiety. While I?d always had peaking and dipping of depression and feeling great, this was completely new.
At the moment I?ve hit a point where I?m struggling with disordered (restrictive) eating, excessive exercising (at times) anxiety, depression a ridiculously stressful busy full time job, a difficult dog that I never expected to have on my own and self harm.
Just finding life really exhausting.
I did counselling after my husband died and I don?t find ?virtual/zoom? counselling useful, just more stressful. I spend all day in and out of Teams meetings.
Last night I skipped my meds which i?ve never done before, but I just couldn?t take them.
Sorry for the essay - needed to get it all down somewhere.
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