Ok...there were 2 bears in a bathtub and one said...
1: Will you pass the soap
and the other said
2: Did you just call me a toaster
(It's not supposed to make sense, lol)
Those who dance are often considered insane by those who can't hear the music
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon
~~~~~~
you are in the pub when you suddenly realise...you need a fart. the music is reaaly loud, so you time your farts with the beat. after a couple of songs you start to feel better. as you finish your pint , you notice that everyone is staring at you. then you remember....your listening to your ipod!!!!
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.
oooh I have lots of childish jokes at the moment.......
'What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!'
oh and my friend gave me an amazing one the other day....
'I've just got back from the gym, where I used this new machine, had to stop after about an hour though cos I began to feel sick. It was really good though, it did everything - mars, snickers, kit kat, crisps!'
Mr Cadbury met Mrs Rowtree in a room on Quality Street after 8. he turned out the light 4 abit of black magic then slipped his hand into her snickers and showed her his curly wurly not keen to have jelly babies she let him have her Bourneville boulevard with Turkish delight as he took his fun sized mars bar out it felt a bit crunchie and she wanted some time out but he did a twirl and came in a very milky way!!
The following content has been hidden - Reason : A real joke
France
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Long. AT&T Telemarketing
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!! AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a
cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.
So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......
Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Could possibly be considered as adult....
A man goes into a Chemist and asks for a viagra tablet cut into quarters. The chemist explains to the man "Taking a quarter wont do you much good sir. You will have to take the full tablet to get an erection".
The man replies "What on earth do i need an erection for? I'm 94! I just want it to stick out far enough so i don't wee on my slippers!"
~*~ Proud Cat Owner ~*~
"The smallest feline is a masterpiece." - Leonardo Da Vinci
A bloke goes to see his GP and explains to his doctor that everytime he sneezes, he becomes sexually aroused.
"Are you taking anything for it?" His doctor asks.
"Yes, Pepper"
go for it guys x
