It's been a long time but things are getting bad

[long road]

Appointment I made weeks ago to talk to GP about mental health is finally happening on Tuesday. However it got changed to face to face so that we could check on concussion recovery (receptionist changed it after other duty GP I saw that said I needed a face to face appointment for follow up within 2 weeks, guess becaise thwre were no other appointments avaliable). Which means I may not actually get to talk about my mental health. But I will try to.

Need to work out what to say.

[one_step_closer]

Is there any way to extend the amount of time you get in the appointment? I really hope you can discuss everything that's important. Make sure at the start of the appointment you let the GP know you want to talk about your MH as well as the concussion. Do you feel able to write things down?

[long road]

Not any way to officially extend time. Can let GP know upfront I originally made appointment for mental health and then it got changed to face to face due to concussion so if possible can we talk about both. He is good at taking the time you need rather than just time of the appointment but still tricky to have 2 things I need to talk about.

I might try writing some mental health points out. Mainly it's suicidal thoughts worse, general low mood and being scar d / feeling vulnerable.

Also might be worth mentioning FND pain has been worse and impact of pain on mental health.

[one_step_closer]

I hope your GP can give you the time you need to talk about everything. I know everything is important but maybe you could try to list the things in order of importance so you can at least get through the main things.

[long road]

Appointment went ok. Concussion wise symptoms are emoving in right direction so just keep monitoring them. Apparently post concussion symptoms can sometimes take months to heal.

On reflection with GP although mental health is still a challenge I am not as low as I was at beginning of March where it was all consuming. He asked if there was anything I could think of I had enjoyed in the last 24/48 hours and said it was a good sign I had something (watching TV with partner). Still struggling and obviously need support but not changing anything meds wise as things have stabilised a little as suicidal thoughts and low feelings are no longer constant.

Felt listened to. He said to make an appointment to check in about everything in 2 months time.

[one_step_closer]

I'm really glad you got to discuss everything and felt heard. It's good to talk through things with someone outwith the situation to get a balance on how things are and think about different things.

[long road]

I am obsessing over self harm it's all I can think about and not all the thoughts are mine. The images definitely aren't. I am remaing in control, barely, not acting on the thoughts but that makes it harder somehow?

Because something I am not doing has a massive hold on me. Well I have been biting myself but not cutting.

I guess I want advice on not getting caught in the thought loops. As well as how to not act on the thoughts without the 'battle' being everything. I usually urge surf to get through the intense part of the urge and eventually the thoughts or at least the intent to act on them fades. But that isn't working so well as the thoughts are always there right now I can distract, I can focus on getting through but doesn't leave much room for life

I am craving it. I guess part of that is fact some of the thoughts aren't mine like intrusive thoughts but yeah not sure how to keep riding it out.

More rambles that might provide context in my RV.

[one_step_closer]

Can you try and replace the thoughts with other thoughts? Not easy I know but each time a thought comes up you could try to replace it with something completely different. It would be a big fight though. I'm sorry you're so tangled up in this, has something happened that is making it so huge?

[long road]

Nothing in particular seems to have happened to make it all this huge. I know pain was really bad when thoughts started to get worse which won't have helped. But no obvious trigger.

Like said most of the thoughts seem to be intrusive thoughts as they aren't really mine and seemingly come from nowhere. Just after while my thoughts start agreeing / engaging with them.

Not sure about replacing I think if I have to do something active then distraction is better.

[one_step_closer]

Do you think the increase in Sertraline might help? Do you have any upcoming supportive appointments?

[long road]

I mean it might am trying it. If it helps great if it doesn't GP is going to write to CMHT again. And be like we tried these things can you advise.

No mental health supportive appointments although GP said he would check in, in a few weeks.

Have an OT home visit appointment next week.

Done a bit better today by just keeping really busy.

[one_step_closer]

It's good that you have things to try and your GP will go back to the CMHT if things aren't improving. It helps to have a plan I think. I really do hope something will help and soon. Can you find a balance between keeping busy and not doing too much?

[long road]

I did not find the balance between busy and too much yesterday did too much and today have been stuck in bed. Was a bit better balanced on Thursday.

Being busy kept the thoughts at bay yesterday until the evening when I stopped.

SH thoughts are still here. But haven't acted on them.

[one_step_closer]

Is the balance always the same, like knowing how much of keeping busy is just enough to manage without overdoing it or does it vary? It would be good if you could somehow work something out. I know your health might make that difficult though. Are there things you can do to keep your brain busy while you rest? I'm sorry the thoughts are still there, I hope you can find a way to make them not bother you so much.

[long road]

Nah the tricky thing with FND is I can manage a level of activity one day and not another. It's all about pacing and assessing how I am feeling. Trying to look out for symptoms that are warning signs of seizures etc. and rest of I find them. It's a fragile balance.

Seeing my OT about FND tomorrow so hoping I can get some advice on pain management as pain has been worse and been a big trigger mentally recently. Plus check in after head injury with someone who understands both head injuries and FND. And look at ways to try and avoid head injuries in future. Maybe discuss the balancing act

GP just phoned to check in after last week. Wasn't expecting the call but was good of him to check in. Hopefully I gave an accurate perception of how it's been I was really struggling last week but feeling good today and its harder to describe how bad it was when you are feeling pretty good. I did say the thoughts are still here but a little less intense and I haven't acted on them yet. That mood could be good and then a few hours later I get really low. And that the intrusive thoughts reminded me a bit of the voices and what's things were like before olanzapine

[one_step_closer]

Do you always manage to rest if you have signs that you're overdoing it or do you try to power through? It's definitely best to listen to your body so maybe you would be able to do some things most days. How did it go with your OT? I'm glad you had a chat with your GP. I know what you mean about it being hard to describe how difficult things have been if you're having a better day. Did he offer any advice?