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Feeling Abandoned/Suicidal Thoughts
I don't really know if this is the appropriate section of the forum for this but I hope so.
I've been having suicidal thoughts and feelings recently. Quite intensely in terms of thinking that my life is worthless and I have nothing positive to give to the world.
My relationship ended on Tuesday with a girl younger than me who I've known for about two-and-a-half years from online, before meeting a few months ago. We had only been dating a couple of months. But the first six weeks or so were amazing. I felt so loved and appreciated, so cared for. I had things to do, we would go places and enjoy each other's company. The usual things you get from a relationship, even though it was long distance and we saw each other about once a week.
But then something changed, she went back to college after Easter and that's when things got real for her I think with revision for her A2 exams. She's also very religious and does a lot of things around that and with her church. Which I understood. But she would barely talk to me compared to before, it was a sudden drop-off in conversation. We no longer skyped at all, from every evening almost. We saw each other at the end of that week and it was a bit weird, it didn't feel like the previous times.
Then as time progressed the contact became more gradual and less intimate/less intense, more general and off. I knew something was wrong and even asked if she was breaking up with me but she said no she wasn't and yes she did want to talk to me. I realised maybe I'd been a bit intense and stepped back a bit but it didn't seem to make any difference.
Tried to call her on Tuesday after work and she cut off my call. So I messaged her asking if I had upset her, to which she said things just hadn't been right with us for a while and she couldn't call me.
The conversation progressed and ultimately she said that maybe I wasn't the guy she wanted for a boyfriend and talking to me had become hard lately, I had been blunt (only because there was no effort from her to have a conversation) and something had changed but she didn't know what.
She said that I don't chase after God's heart and that's what she wants at the centre of any relationship, then later when I asked why we got together then she said because she didn't prioritise God and she was wrong to do that.
I said I had loads of questions but would stop with them and asked why she still wanted to be friends (she said before that if we broke up it would kill her to lose the friendship we had) but received no response and since then we haven't messaged once.
I miss it so much, I don't think the relationship was right when I look back on it - for many reasons - but I do love her probably just not in that way and I do miss her. I miss our friendship, I miss knowing that there are things I can do, that we can go to the beach in summer and just lie there calmly and with happiness. I miss having someone love and care about me.
I don't really have many friends close by, certainly not female friends, most of my friends are from online or from football and many aren't my age either.
I feel so rejected and dejected. I'm scared of the future and I don't feel like I have anything really worth living for. I don't really want to take my life, but the thoughts are there quite heavily and quite often. I have the means to do it, but I don't see that I would.
Work is awful as well, I hate my job, I work in a call centre answering calls and dealing with the public who just get angry because they don't get the answer they want. The management at my work is rubbish and we just haemorrhage staff and it just gets so tiring. I am still waiting to hear back on an interview I had almost two months ago where they haven't actually made any decisions yet as there were a lot of roles available. I have two degrees (undergrad and postgrad) but I am stuck in a dead-end job on not a lot of money with people who haven't been to uni. I feel in some ways like I wasted my degrees and money.
I am about to start phone counselling through a work benefit scheme but I just feel so hopeless right now.
My best friend is someone I know from here, she lives a long way from me and she is a mental health nurse, but I only see her about once or twice a year. She doesn't suggest meeting up, I do. She cares about me but idek.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this is an overreaction to the end of a relationship as well. Who knows. I hate myself.
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