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I'm not sure.
I guess this is a rant of sorts. I feel like it should be in the R/V section, but I guess I need some advice or encouragement of sorts. Anything along those lines.
Therapy done next week. Where do I go from there?
Realistically, compared to most "normal" people my age, i'm an absolute mile behind, it sickens me. That is where I get jealous, I want that normality, a stable mind, to feel like i'm contributing to society, being able to support myself and others. Right now, just 3 hours would leave me absolutely wrecked mentally. I know I've got a hell of a long way to go to even be close to on par. Physical damage I find to be my personal punishment for falling so far behind, being the failure I've become. Mentally, I can't express what's going on. I don't know how to. Would it be easier if I knew how to? I don't know.
I constantly think;
What exactly do I have to offer?
The answer? Very little. I'm a very difficult person to know, far too many layers to my psyche with a level of instability which can pop at anytime.
Quite frankly, if I was a stranger, I wouldn't want to know me.
I'm a scary person, when my mind takes me to dark places, lows & urges to be precise, I go far deeper than what would be considered low. Just the action isn't enough, every little detail, why, how, what will happen has to be there at the forefront of my thinking. Ever the perfectionist...
What that line of thinking accomplishes? Absolutely nothing, there is no reward or victory in acting out on that thinking. It does nothing to help myself or whoever is unfortunate enough to want to still know the train wreck that is me. I'm a big, big fucking burden. I drain them like I drain myself, without meaning to. Why should any other single person have to put up with me? It's not their problem, no-one else can solve it all for me, I've got to do the work. So far the only work I've seemed to be able to accomplish is in cocking up everything, then withdrawing when I realise what I've done. The withdrawal adds the fuel to the fire, the urges are the fuse. The spark that lights it all?
Me.
It's the constant in it all, me, myself and I. I don't know what to do. Do I go on? If so, why? I always end up back at the bottom of the pile, thanks to me. I can't cope with what goes on in my mind, or what I've done over the years. All of my over reactions, every single time I've withdrawn, every single time I've cut, every single time I didn't react when I should have, every single time I've opened my mouth. I can't cope with the feelings that accompany what I've done, or didn't do. Honestly? It feels like i'm constantly in overdrive. The meltdowns, and the really stupid shit I do come when that overdrive leads to burnout.
I don't know what to do, about being me. I hate being me.
Last edited by __T : 18-07-2014 at 05:54 PM.
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