history repeating itself *possible sexual abuse trigger*
Ok so some of you know I'm.married to a former RYL member who was a complete mess when i.met him, subsequently got better and didn't need me anymore.
Zoom to today, happily in love with a shy older guy who has just reveal an almost identical past to my ex.
Help. Does he love me or need me? Is it all going to go pearshape again? Do I have therapist stamped on my forehead? I seem to attract these guys from all walks of life.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
That is tough-- you have been through so much and are in a good place now, it sounds like, but don't want the past to repeat itself. It is natural to fear that what happened before will happen again, but that's not a guarantee. And when you see a pattern in the people you attract, it's natural to doubt yourself, but the fact is that there are probably a lot of people with pasts similar to your ex, and it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything at all wrong with you or what you're doing that your current guy has the past he has.
I think you want to try to balance being clear-headed about your present situation (not love-blind) with not letting the past color your present situation. Have you discussed your concerns with 'shy older guy?' Where is he in terms of his recovery, mental state, stability, ability to be in a relationship? His past may be less important than what he has done about it and where he is now. And have you talked about your concerns with your own therapist/support team? Close friends might be able to help give you some perspective on what's reality and what might be projecting b/c of the past. You have a daughter and can't be too careful with relationships, but you also don't want to just go and reject new guy because of your fears.
I've never had therapy or a team, just you guys. I have told J (current boyfriend) I'm scared he'll get better and leave and he says no he won't, he's never felt this way even with his ex who he has 3 kids with. He is a lot older than my ex who was only just getting out of the situation when I 'rescued' him, J has been out of the situation for a long time and the meds he takes seem to work.
He told me he had some sexual dysfunction and that's why he makes a point to avoid women and is afraid of getting too close, but i'm quite persistent and he says he is falling for me. Certainly no sexual dysfunction has been present here, and I've told him if it happens then not to worry, he always makes me feel special and sex is not the be all and end all etc.
Most importantly he is wonderful with my kids and they adore him, something I never thought I'd find. He is also more tidy/less lazy than me, where I ask the kids to tidy or get me something he jumps up and does it for me. I don't want this to end, but my paranoia and self esteem are making me feel like it will.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I don't think anyone can say whether or not this guy will hurt you again. Thats the hard part of falling in love, you unintentionally make yourself vulnerable. But the thing is if you avoid love and a relationship to avoid being hurt then you are closing the doors on being happy and content and loved. And that I wouldn't risk. I've been hurt many times by men but I never stopped trying to look. Good luck and I hope your kids dad helps you out a bit, it must be exhausting with two young children! xx
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
^ I agree with the above. I can understand why you have concerns but you have to realize that this guy isn't your ex and just because he has a similar past doesn't mean that history will repeat itself. Yeah it may but sometimes in life we have to take that risk, because if we close every door because we are afraid of being hurt it can lead to a pretty lonely existence. Keep being honest with J about how you feel because that will help. I wish you all the best
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm not positive about my future. I thought I would try Vets again as I wanted adult interaction but I used to find this site quite 'exclusive' (no offence, not personal!) so i'm nervous being back.
I hope alls well with the boyfriend, hopefully he'll get its just lack of sleep :) How old is baby? Anyone would be tired with 2 little ones!
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
Update - all of my boyfriends benefits have been stopped. ESA say he scores 0 points and so while he waits for an appeal his housing benefit has also been stopped.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Hmmm...this is a hard one Manda. You need to keep in mind that just because he has such a similar past as Matt doesn't mean he will act the same. I do understand your hesitation and concern.
Go slow. Try not to jump into anything. AND remember you are NOT his therapist. Try not to act as if you are when you are with him. It will be exhausting as you already know.
Be supportive but do not cater to ALL his needs. He is responsible for meeting his own needs. Don't be a care taker. Just be a girlfriend or whatever title you guys have established.
You know how I am, I can't help it. I keep trying to get him to take charge more. what shall we eat? What drinks are we having? Do you want to pick a film? 'whatever you want' infuriating sometimes coz I'm indecisive too lol. He finds it easier to take charge after it gets dark - if you know what I mean LOL
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
hmm...well, if he's capable of taking charge "after dark" then he's plenty capable of making other decisions too.
Next time you both are trying to decide on something just simply tell him that "I guess we just won't do anything unless you decide because it's exhausting for me to always have the responsibility of that".
