Graphic / Triggering - scared, alone, its all my fault. i dont know what to do anymore

[Sithek]

I haven't posted in a long time about my problems in fact i haven't even told anyone about them for a long time. this is a fairly long post about everything thats getting me at the moment.

i managed to finally be alone recently. for months. i was alone. finally no one would come to me face to face. i locked myself in my room. sent my flatmate's my rent/bill payments through bank transfers. i got up at 6 every day for work and came straight home and back into my room by 5-7 every night. i only answered my SMS when it was someone i cared about and even then i tried to keep it small talk. i think i only spoke to one of my friends who was freaked by a double suicide near her place for the entire time. other then that i just sat on my computer. Oh i was on MSN but even then i only answered people i cared about. and i never started a conversation unless i was on the verge of slipping up. if i was forced to go to an event ide make an excuse shortly after arriving and leave. back to my room. back to my thoughts

i just sat there. lieing on my bed staring at the wall and thinking about me and what was wrong with me otherwise. if someone asked ide lie and say i was fine or watching a movie if i started to not feel safe or if i was to upset about something that i was thinking about from the past. for months every spare moment i spent was thinking about where i fucked up. all the fuck ups ide made. all the regrets. all the people ide hurt in the past who deserved it. and those who hadn't. and i began to come to terms with it

then i started to hurt more because i began remember more recent stuff from around last few months of last year. and i began thinking about all the people i had literally barred out of my life so that i could take this time. and everything just came flooding back at once all the old stuff that i had come to terms with and all the new stuff. and the fact that it wasn't the first time ide pushed people away without even thinking about it. and the fact that none of them will ever trust me again. or even want to know me. at this point i was at 2 months SI free. it took only 5 seconds for me to fuck it up and 5 minutes later i had slipped twice more. thinking about all the names and labels ide been given. i don't even remember doing it but i woke up the next morning with the word scum burned into my arm. and i haven't been able to stop burning since.

i spiraled. started losing large portions of my memory about days. just operated on cruise control. always thinking about how ide fucked up again. and i kept lieing to everyone who asked me "i'm ok" i came out of my room and tried to live normal. but i was still always staring at the wall now imprinted in my mind. it wasn't until my boss shoved a sandwich onto my keyboard that Friday (8 days later) that i realized i hadn't been eating at work. ide just been walking out of the office and walking around the block until coming back forgetting to buy any food. i took two bites of the sandwich and had to spit out the third because i felt like i was about to vomit. i just started dry heaving not on purpose it just made me feel so sick. i couldn't actually remember the last time ide eaten anything more then drinking a tea cup of Miso soup every morning. so i weighed myself and found id dropped. bellow even my base weight of 60kg that ide never been able to drop bellow before to 56kg. (im 6ft even) so i went to the docs. who just told me to eat more. despite the fact i told them that after the second or third bite of anything solid i was feeling sick enough to start dry retching and occasionally just throwing up (i tried to eat a handful of fry's also tried Sushi i figured something i loved eating might help,) the fry's came back up straight away without any warning right into my steering wheel as i was pulling out of the parking lot. the single piece of sushi came back up even faster right onto the table in the middle of the shopping mall and i bolted before anyone asked me what was wrong. i tried celery carrots. mash potato. rice. everything. but nothing but liquids would stay down.

i went back to my old pchyc three days ago who i saw for a bit last year. and she put me onto xanax again to calm me down. i can eat sort of now. im managing to keep down about 3-4 bites a sandwich before i start feeling sick. and now my heads clearer but i'm still being flooded by the memory's. i haven't slept 48 in because i cant stop thinking about all the shit. its 6 am and i have work in two hours.

i feel Detached from everything now. i don't know this place is what it feels like. theres no one left here in Melbourne i can really turn to, and almost no one left on msn. and i know its all my own fault i fucked up. but this time ive realized it, and all the other times ive fucked up. and its killing me that without even thinking about it keep fucking up my life.

i just don't know what to do now. i know i have to move on but im scared shitless i seriously am terrified of doing it again. and even more upset because i know its my fault that im alone. but that i didn't even realize i was doing it. i always just did what i thought was the best thing to do. what needed to be done. i never wanted to hurt anyone. it was just the only thing i knew how to do to cope. but right now its being alone thats killing me. and realizing that its my own fault only makes it worse

[Red Sky]

I realise I don't know you and i cannot understand your pain but I feel really alone lately too. I feel like I am losing people and especially on msn I feel like I am running out of people to talk to and that makes me feel really unwanted and rejctedbut I know it's my fault...I get angry and sad when I feel rejected and I probably vent that to my friends. So I kinda' understand what you mean...

I went through a period where I pushed everyone away and really isolated myself but in the end I went back to my friends and to my surprise they were glad to have me...now though I feel vulnerable and I have been trying for ages unsuccessfully to pull away and isolate myself again. Part of me thinks that if I am not trying to be with them then I cannot be rejected and part of me believes that i acnnot be trusted with people becasue I will say things that hurt them and I am very angry right now. I know that's probably really not helpful but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel and I have made loads of mistakes and hurt people too. You know the people you feel you messed up with...they will have messed up at some point too, they are human just like you. Anyway what I am trying to say is try not to judge yourself too harshly if at all...I know that can be hard because I do it to myself all the time but try to remember that we all do it. We all hurt people, sometimes we don;t mean to and sometimes we do but none of us can really say we don't ever. Maybe try talking to them about it and explaining to the people you pushed away why you did it. Sometimes it just feels easier to isolate yourself I know but it doesn't really make it better.

At least you went to get help...that shows you are strong and that you want things to get better and wanting to get better is half the battle already won so well done and keep going. We're all just human...maybe try to remember that when you are thinking about how you feel you have messed up. You are not alone. Stay safe. Take care.

[Zeitgeist]

Hey,

first of all, I'm glad you got all of this out of your system now. It's good that you're coming out of that isolation - slowly, and probably not without pain, but you're doing it. And that's the important thing.

I'm not all that sure that no one would trust you again or understand why you acted the way you did. I don't know what's been going on, but I've done just that, pushed everyone away and distanced myself even though I knew people were trying to help me, were caring about me. Some of them are still there. There are people who accept that I go into "mysteriously vanishing" mode sometimes. Maybe, if you try and explain to those around you, you'll find that there's more understanding than you think.

It's exhausting, dealing with others, dealing with life. Isolating ourselves and dwelling on the past aren't pleasant, far from, but I find it's easier than facing what's going on around me. I think you know you can't expect this to change all in a day. Memories have a habit of coming up when you least need them. I have no idea how to stop that - but maybe allowing them to come will make it a bit easier. Allow yourself to think about things - but not all the time.

If you're an organized person (or feel better when things are in order, anyway), maybe try and set yourself a schedule? Define an hour, or two, or half an hour, whatever you can take, out of your free time to deal with the world around you.

For what it's worth, you're not completely alone. There's still this. I don't know you, but I saw you around in chat on v2 sometimes. People remember you - and don't dislike you.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing, ok?