Struggling. Again.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you <3

They've taken literally everything so I won't have many options to do stuff with.
But I can usually find something.
I would hope I can stay safe but I never know for sure

[one_step_closer]

I hope you can find ways to stay safe in your room and stay safe in general.

[Cacoethes]

They won't let me in there anyway
I almost had an incident today but the staff outside the bathroom heard ripping so I was stopped.

I'm pretty much only eating sandwiches at the moment and the kitchen lady knows this and had made me a sandwich because there weren't any. That made me smile.

[one_step_closer]

These incidents never achieve anything, they're certainly not helping you move forward. You need to be looking at safe things to do Beckie, really. I'm glad the kitchen lady was kind to you, and I hope you can find more reasons to smile.

[Cacoethes]

I know.
I just feel like I can't stop.
Any opportunity I'm given and I mess it up
Apparently if something else happens then I'll get put back in the seclusion outfit. I don't want to go back in that.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

How are you doing today?

[Cacoethes]

Thanks for asking <3

I think I might actually be suicidal or becoming suicidal
Like I HAD to die before but now I'm kind of coming round to the idea
I don't want to live a life with voices and in and out of these places. Because although I always hope it will be the last time, it never is.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm so sorry you feel that way. Have you mentioned this to any staff?

It's understandable to feel exhausted with the voices and admissions, I would be shattered too but there is always hope even if it feels very hopeless right now.

[Cacoethes]

Not yet.
I was going to though

Thank you
I'm trying to see that

[nonperson]

I seem to remember that you had quite a long period of wellness, I think, when I first came here and you were very proud of how long you'd been well for. Just wondering what was different about then and now, how did stay well before? I believe you can do it again, don't give in.

[Cacoethes]

I stayed out of hospital for a couple of years but that's only because I lived in a different county and they didn't give a shit about me. I was still getting sectioned by the police on a very regular basis.
I was well on the clozapine but I keep stopping it for reasons unknown to me.
I guess I'm programmed for self destruction.

[nonperson]

Maybe you need to figure out those reasons.

No one is programmed any particular way, but people get into bad habits, routines, ways of thinking that soon become "normal" and that is hard to break but it seems like that is what's happening now.

[Cacoethes]

I had a meltdown and stole a nurse's fob and got out of the first 2 doors.
Then got put on the floor by them.
Broke down into tears.
Had a long chat with a support worker who could suggest nothing.
So that was all pointless

You're probably right np

[nonperson]

I'm sorry that just happened. Was the chat at least a bit helpful to just talk it through with someone?

I think you actually just summed it up yourself there, about it being pointless. These repeated actions aren't getting you any where but there are other actions you could take (or in this case, no action! or maybe speaking to someone first) that would be more beneficial. I know that's much easier said than done. You are in control of your actions, despite what you think, and I know you can make some positive steps forward instead of this cycle of self sabotage.

[Cacoethes]

I feel like a massive idiot but I tried again.
And this bitchy nurse from another ward said they were going to report me to the police for assault.
But the nurse I stole the keys from said she won't do that because she knows me and knows it's out of character.

The chat didn't really help because she just kept talking about medication and that is not the be all and end all of everything and I HATE that medication is the only thing these people talk about. I hate taking it and I hate needing it and I just hate it.

Thank you np
I know you make sense
It's just so hard

[xlaurenx]

I have kept up to date with the thread lovely. You know sweet they wont let you leave. The more you try the longer you will be there. Or you will end up in a PICU.

I bet they spoke a por about medication and i know you hate medication with a passion bit right now lovely. Taking meds as much as you hate it is the only thing that will get you well and able to left. That and also not having incidents. I arent for one minute saying the above is easy. But what about trying to keep safe? As in if they let you back in your room tonight and you feel yourself starting to struggle . Tell them that way youre actually are trying to get better (not saying you arent right now though, But i do feel youre finding things very hard)

If you are feeling suicidal tell them. Yes they hsve to keep you safe. You know already they will strip your room and if needs be 1-1 or arms length. I know you dont want that.

What about trying that? Or writing it down? Even if you have to have a per under supervisión?

[Cacoethes]

Thank you x

I tried to hide my medication but they noticed so I took it.

I try not to have incidents but the voices get so bad and the only way to shut them up is to do what they say.

I told them I was feeling suicidal
They said they'd try to get the doctor to see me tomorrow instead of waiting until Tuesday so who knows.

They've already stripped my room. They don't do 1-1 here apparently so that won't happen

I got given paper to write stuff down on
I should do that

[one_step_closer]

I bet the voices would eventually shut up if you didn't have incidents. All of these incidents aren't shutting them up for long periods but medication could help with that. I know voices can be really demanding and loud but you don't have to do with they say. Build up your strength and weaken theirs. I keep saying it but you can't keep going round in circles if you want things to change.

[Fire Fly]

By any chance, do you think changing wards might help if that’s a possibility? Because it seems like when you have been in the past (the place they did ect or checked your blood sugar) you did get better slightly faster and they did have a better way of working with you. Because whilst they may not do 1:1 here I think they did over there but I’m just thinking that way as horrid as it is - you have somewhere there trying to keep you safe from the voices.

You are a god damn fighter Beckie! This is NOT the end of you. You are extremely independent. You used love swimming and Zumba and exercise. You enjoyed cooking slimming world meals and you didn’t mind their groups. I wondering whether there’s something that might help to ground you and focus on?

When did you see J last? You stayed well if I remember correctly (I might be so wrong - sorry) because you wanted J back. You want her and she NEEDS you. She loves you so much. You had your nursing and you know what you were unwell when that thing comes up on your dbs. You explain because if I get unwell- I would want you to treat me as a nurse. Because you would be amazing. You held a full time job as well.

Would you consider ect again? You know you don’t like injections? Have considered the paliperidone depot? You can get it to be very 3 months and what things start to get wobbley in the community again you can try and get oral stuff so that to prevent the episode getting worse?

Beckie you are amazing. I know you are.

[Cacoethes]

Thank you both so much

The ward I was on before when I had ECT and stuff is now a ward for people at high risk of complications from covid so I can't go there.
All the wards have been mixed around because of covid so there are only 2 wards I could be on including this one. And the other ward is meant to be worse.

I last saw J in February. It's been a long time.
We've done video chat and stuff but it's not the same.

I would never want ECT again.
I have to admit it did work but I hated it.
I'll ask about the paliperidone depot.

Thank you <3

They wouldn't let me shower last night.
And when I got changed I had to have 2 nurses outside the bathroom and one in the bathroom with me.
I'm not sure why the sudden change.
I have showered this morning though.