I made it just over 3 months and self harmed again. Bad. Started talking to my counselor about my mom and have been slowly falling apart ever since. Yesterday I had to leave my appointment early to pick up my boyfriend from work. It was in the middle of some heavy stuff and he didn't want me to leave. Kept stalling me, trying to get me to do some grounding work or whatever, but I had to go. I lied and told him I'd be okay. He asked me if I'd be safe after I left his office, I said yes, I didn't mean it.
When I got there to pick up Jared I ended up 10 minutes late and he was really angry. While I was driving there I kept imagining driving off the road (he works at a lumber mill so it's out of town, meaning I was doing about 100km/hr). So when Jared started bitching about how I was late, I started thinking wow, maybe I SHOULD have swerved off the road.
Eventually, after we had dinner and smoked done pot, I did tell him what was on my mind. His reply was "well stop it".
I have to go to work, and could barely get out of bed this morning. I feel like a complete failure. I was so deadset on quitting cutting, I made it 2 months, and then one little slip up and then I made it 3 months. Now I can't imagine I can get through the day without it. Like there's this lead blanket draped over me, but I'm the only one who knows its there.
I am sorry that you are struggling. Well done for getting to 3 months, that is a huge achievement, and the fact you have self harmed doesn't take away the fact that you went for 3 months without it.
As you are tackling some hard things in therapy, it might help to have some safe things in place, as an alternative to self harm. Could you have a "safe box" or something, with lots of distracting, grounding and comforting things, to have ready, for when you feel a bit unsafe after therapy or any other time really.
I am sorry that your boyfriend didn't really understand. Perhaps you could have another chat at a different time, when you have a bit of time together when you aren't both stressed with work etc.
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
First off good job on getting to three months that is a major accomplishment. It sounds like you are dealing with some tough issues in therapy. It may prove helpful to try to give yourself the alotted time they think you need. It's hard when we are trying to look after and help others but how can you do that if you don't take care of yourself. I'm sorry your boyfriend was not so undestanding, that must of been hard. Maybe you can when your in a better place explain to him what you need from him and how you are feeling. If you've gotten so far with out SH before you can do it again. Relapse is a part of recovery unfortunately. You can get through this. Take care and try to be strong.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
Hey, im sorry that you are struggling a lot right now and feeling unsafe.
3 months is amazing and i know it feels like you cant do it again, but you managed 2 months and then 3 months, and therefore you can do it. Personally each time i slipped up, the gaps were longer and longer until essentially i got really far away from it. You can do it again because youve done it before. remember that for when you are ready to try again.
Also is it counselling that made you feel worse? because of the things you are discussing? I know you left early and told your counselor you felt safe, but if anything counselling for you should be the one place where you can be completley honest and the counselor can help come up with things that may help you after a hard session.
Those thoughts of swerving must have been scary. I'm sorry that your boyfriend got angry and wasnt understanding when you told him what you were thinking. It was not right of him to get so angry when you were only 10 minutes late, and you were leaving therapy to pick him up. I think it might be important for you to sit down and discuss that him, i dont think you were at fault at all. *hugs*
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
I know I shouldn't have lied to my counselor, but I didn't have time... I talked to Jared yesterday about what happened, he told me he wasn't mad at me or mad I was late. He just had a long day and wanted to get home, and I texted him saying I was leaving (cuz I was trying to but then David kept stalling me!) And then it took me 10 extra minutes to get there.
We worked it out. I'm still pretty distressed though. The end half of yesterday I felt a but better. Did some yard work and plated with the dogs, that made me feel a lot more "back in this world".
I just wish I could stop feeling so empty inside...
