Two children of the same age playing a sexual game is 'normal' but what if one child forces the other into doing 'stuff'. Can a 6 year old be accused of sexually abusing another 6 year old? What if the child is an older child? When does it stop being a normal game and start being abuse? Even if there's no force, it's not ok for a 17 year old to be playing sexual games with a 7 year old. It's still abuse even though the older one is under 18, and not a legal adult, right?? When does the age difference start to make a difference? Can you really label an 11 year old as a 'sexual abuser' because they are touching a 4 year old? Some 11 year old girls are still playing with barbie dolls but some are having sex with teenage boys. Sexual maturity varies. Is that 11 year old a juvenile offender? Could the 17 year old be prosecuted for playing sexual games with the 7 year old? Just throwing some questions out there. I know it varies in every situation but it's such a difficult topic.
I was abused as a child by a much older adult. I am aware that was abuse. I was also engaging in some "sexual gaming" (as my therapist calls it...) with an older child and have questions about whether it was normal or was I abused by someone else too?
Right.
1) how did you feel about it? were you forced into it? was there penertration?
2)was the other party aware of what sexual abuse was? and were they aware of any implications of what they were doing?
in my opinion, if someone thinks they were abused, then they were, because it has had that effect on them. However, i don't always believe that the other person can be classed as an abuser (mostly talking about kid on kid here) unless they are FULLY AWARE that what they were doing could be classed as abuse.
I didn't feel scared, just shocked. I wasn't forced. There was penetration but not full intercourse. I'm not sure they was going through their minds. I don't think it was purposely meant to harm me.
I like your theory that if you think you were abused, than you were but it gets muddled for me because I one hundred percent know I was abused (by someone else).
well, put the other person aside, and just think about that incident (if that makes sense)
this might sound weird (esp if not religious) but maybe you could kinda go to a confession (catholic thing) they are really good, even if you not catholic, and i found that it helpd 'absolve' my conscience so i could stop feeling bad about similar stuff.
to me if the person knows what there doing and can recognise that its wrong then to me its abuse. when i was 8 my best friend forced me to do stuff to her and she did stuff to me and even though she was only 9 she knew exactly what she was doing because her older brother was teaching her about sex and stuff it wasnt new to her and she knew it was wrong.
I think you're right when you say that sexual maturity varies wildly and it also means that what one person would find a scarring and painful experience might have a totally different effect on another person. I think some instances of abuse are obviously complete definite, but situations like the one you describe are very hard to define. Sexual maturity does vary hugely: like you say, when I was 12 I was playing with dolls, whereas other girls in my class were talking about sex and boys all the time. On the other hand, even if a person is too young to know what they are doing, the experience can obviously still have a painful and scarring effect on a person. Legally or whatever, you may not technically have been abused, but laws, whether they be social or legal, are too small to define anything, and therefore abuse can clearly happen outside the realms of what is defined.
Many factors I think have an effect on whether something had a powerful and painful effect on you. Some abusive situations do not lead to pain and hurt in later years for some people whereas they can effect others for a very long time. What you know to be right and wrong can have a powerful effect over how you deal with a situation and its effect on you.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just trying to say: things go well beyond the definitions provided to us by laws, society and psychiatrists. Not every situations falls within the bounds of rules or knowledge. This doesn't mean that that situation can't have a profound influence on you. Some things just are not easy to define. It's what you feel that's important.
i engaged in sexual gaming with a boy two years older than me from when i was 5 - 10. Iwouldnt label it as abuse though because he thought he only had a few years to live and we were both children
As I said in another thread, I was one of these 'abusers' acting out my own abuse. I truly had no understanding of what I was doing and if I could I would take it all back.
If you really didn't want to, if you were telling them no and they still did it, it was bad and bullying but I'm not sure i could call it abuse. physical abuse maybe but its hard to call it sexual abuse when they dont understand what it is. I draw the abuse line at when they are conciously aware of what theyre doing, and that what theyre doing is wrong. in my opinon, this line is usually around 14 though it varies from child to child, and usually gaming stops around 11 or 12 because the child realises there is something wrong with it, though they dont know the full concequences.
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This is something which happened to me too, and is a concept which I have often been undecided on. I feel like I'm sort of stuck in limbo, as whilst I felt (and still feel) dirty and used by this person, I feel that I can't blame them. I think they were repeating to me what had been done to them, as I can see no other reason why a child of such a young age would get such graphic and detailed ideas and information on sexual situations.
It is difficult to get closure on this as I don't blame them, but at the same time I feel as though it shouldn't have happened. We were the same age, but really it was the intention and emotions that motivated it that made it more painful and difficult to deal with. I often felt that they were using this to gain power and control over me, and I often felt suffocated by this person's presence, even after this behaviour had stopped. I believe that they knew it was wrong as great lengths were taken to hide the behaviour, threats were made, etc. but I don't think they fully understood it.
Hmm, sorry, long post lol.
Take care xx
Im not sure - when i was young (5) a boy 2 years older than me, "sexually explored" me is what the doctor said and
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forced himself upon me and tried to put it in me
-obviously we were both very young - i think he knew it was wrong as he told me if i told anyone or said anything he would deny it and make up lies about me. I have been talking it through with my counsellor and he asked me what he could call it-if i was comfortable with abuse because i wasn’t sure what it was either and he calls it abuse - sorry it’s so rambled.
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oh my god i was in such a similar situation! it feels so good to know that i'm not the only one!!
a 14 yr old family member began playing sexual games with me when i was six. I can't remeber a lot of it. I just remeber how it started, him banging my head against a wall and then spots of blood on my underwear. I have no idea what went on in the middle. I know it started off innocently enough. I have flashbacks but i don't know if they are real or if i am reaching and trying too hard to remeber and my brain is producing these images.
The boy in question had lost his younger brother weeks before, so i have always felt guilty for the feelings i have for him. What happened to me? did he try to hurt me? did he know what he was doing? was it because of the grief in his life? do i have any right to feel abused if i can't actually remeber what happened?
I wouldn't worry because today I was on the bus and I saw the guy that sexually abused me when I was 4 years old. I couldn't help getting flashbacks of the pain he put me through. Don't worry. You're not alone. Stacey xxx
The abuser was only 4 years older then me and this has caused me so much mental pain and confusion.
I was only 6 and had no concept of sex. at all. i played with little animal figurines and flowers. he was 10 and forced me to be still as he abused me while telling me if i told anyone, no one would believe me and he would hurt me again.
The thing is, when i myself was a 10 year old i was just as innocent as i was when i was 6, still playing with flowers and dolls. I couldnt (and still cant really) understand how this boy could have been the terrifying dark shadow in my life when he was so young. But he was and he knew what he was doing.
Sexual stirrings and interest can vary so widely in children it scares me a bit.
My ex bf was having sex with other boys by the time he was 11. I wasnt interested by boys until i was 13 on the other hand and my curiosity was only so far as prehaps a kiss.
meep :( it terrifies me to think of him. out there somewhere. would i still recognise him? would he recognise me? it haunts me.
I'm sorry, but I do not believe Catholic Confession, or anything like it will help you; mainly because you have done nothing wrong and therefore have nothing to confess. Talking to a priest or someone similar about it is different, but 'confessing' is just going to make it more confused in your mind and drive home the thought that maybe you were in the wrong.
i wasn't saying she had to confess to anything, i was more thinking of a catholic kind of confession because of the annonimity of it.
"Has anyone seen my contact lens? It may be stuckto a tree or a rock or something. Oh boy, I am so grounded" Family Guy
if everyone cared and nobody cried, if everyone loved and nobody lied, if everyone shared and swallowed their pride, we'd see the day that nobody died
what about if the person doesn't remember the actual incident, only vague flashbacks of it?
When I came out to my mother as bisexual she accused me of saying so because I was "molested" by my female cousin who is only a year older than me. For years prior to this I had been having nightmares of the area where it occured (a specific room in my grandmothers house) but I had blocked out everything and as soon as she said it I had it come back, but not clear memories (we were really little, 4 or 5 maybe) but like the emotional imprints of it (fear, pain, shame of being caught) I remember being the submissive and that there was penetration (I don't remember what and I'm too ashamed to ask my mother more about it). I still don't know how I feel about it because it did affect me (everytime things of a sexual nature would happen I would cry afterwards and never knew why, but as soon as I got everything back I knew why) but I don't blame her we were just kids.
that was rambly, in short, I know how you feel. ::hug::
-Piph
Last edited by Pastel Epiphanies : 08-03-2008 at 02:04 AM.
Reason: clarification
"Journeys end in lovers meeting,
Every wise man's son doth know."
Twelfth Night (II, iii, 44-45)
oh my god i was in such a similar situation! it feels so good to know that i'm not the only one!!
a 14 yr old family member began playing sexual games with me when i was six. I can't remember a lot of it. I just remember how it started, him banging my head against a wall and then spots of blood on my underwear. I have no idea what went on in the middle. I know it started off innocently enough....
I had almost the exact situation happen to me.
I was probably 7, and a 13 year old female cousin told me that we should play doctor. But then it went farther than doctor.
I've always been really curious as to whether this would be considered rape, or abuse, or what...
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The one thing I remember, is that she stuck her fist inside me, and that I started gushing blood. She made me touch her, and after she had ..., She told me that if I ever told anyone about it, I would get in trouble, because she was older and always right.
It sounds like a horrific experience. At 13, she must have been old enough to know what she was doing. I can't imagine classing that as anything other than abuse.
