Contains abuse - How do I talk to my partner? *trigger warning drugs & violence kind of*

PeachyGirl · 22-12-2021, 05:47 AM

I'm having a very difficult time this year, in March my fiance relapsed on drugs for 3 weeks and I thought he was having a severe manic episode, he didn't tell me what was actually happening until he ran out of it and had a complete flip-out in which he took a hatchet and tried to climb onto the roof and then screamed at me and punched 2 holes in our bedroom door. Since then I've withdrawn emotionally a LOT, and I feel distance from him too. My anxiety and depression has gotten much worse. We've become polyamorous during this time because I've had a drastic drop in interest in sex with him, or men in general, so I've started dating a woman. He's also kind of started seeing a woman too. With my gf (it's not exactly official but I'm not sure what else to call her) I feel 100 times more comfortable and safe. I feel good, happy, beautiful, and card for. I'm not saying that I don't feel these things with my fiance but it's much more rare now.

I'm concerned because I'm not happy with my life in a lot of ways; he hasn't worked in 2 years due to mental health issues so I pay for everything, he has a kid (obviously I knew that coming into this 8 years ago) and last mother's day they made it clear that I'm not maternal enough to really get appreciated on that day even though I have put in a huge amount of effort, time, and energy into improving his son's life, so I'm feeling waaay more detached there too. I also do 90% of the household chores, planning, budgeting, fucking everything. I'm exhausted. Burnt out. Over it.

Now if he gets upset at me, I get scared. Like really scared. He's never hurt me or threatened to hurt me, but I don't know what to do! He got upset with me the other night and just started getting loud and this angry look and suddenly I started crying and thinking "what can I do/say to not make him more upset???" And became very aware that he was totally blocking the only exit to the kitchen. I've kind of told him before that I'm having this issue but I'm afraid to even bring it up. Again he's never even threatened me but I cannot handle yelling/screaming/slamming like at all anymore. I'm really stressed about this AND I'm feeling like a lot more gay than I thought I was previously and I don't know what to do. If I break up with him he has literally nowhere to go and no income, he'll have nowhere for his son to visit him, it'll be entirely because of me.

Heeellllppppp I can't keep bottling my feelings up and I don't know how to talk to him about this 😭

Pi.R^2 · 26-12-2021, 03:15 PM

Hey there, sounds like things haven't massively improved since we last spoke on a thread of yours, although I'm pleased that the relationship with your sort-of girlfriend is going well and making you feel good.

Aside from guilt about how he would cope financially without you (which is not your responsibility by the way!), are there any other reasons that you want to work on keeping this relationship? Just to me, it does sound like you are maybe tempted by the idea of leaving him.

In terms of talking to him, I'd suggest whatever is going to make you feel safe- are there times when he's calm and you'd feel able to suggest have a general chat about how the relationship is going? Or maybe it would be easier to at least start the conversation not face-to-face; maybe you could write him a letter.

PeachyGirl · 29-12-2021, 01:14 AM

Hmm... I mean I love him, we've been together 8 years, I'm very concerned about his well-being so that's a huge part of why we're still together. We get along really well and know each other so well, most of the time we're like best friends but it's just like the negative stuff is outweighing the positive. I'm sick of doing everything with little to no help and paying for everything all the time. He's not great in a lot of social situations but it's not weird alll the time, and we've not been doing stuff together much at all like going out but that's mostly because I have to pay for everything so it's twice as expensive than me going to do something with another person who pays for themselves. Now he's frustrated that I'm going to my mom's tomorrow with my brother who is in town so we can meet my mom's new boyfriend, because he wasn't invited, an then he makes it sound like I'm always getting invited to things but I'm barely ever invited anywhere and he has been telling me to get out and do stuff more on my own! I'm just so fed up. And then if anyone, lile my brother, is even a little weird toward him he tells me later that they're rude and its a whole thing and he wants an apology from them but doesn't want to tell them he's upset and he wants me to talk to them but not all for them to apologize but then expects an apology and is upset if they don't reach out. I'm so stressed already. And I'm going on a girl's weekend for my friend's birthday very soon and I'm fully expecting some form of weird guilt trip because it's a thing I'm invited to but he isn't.

Very conflicted. I feel so responsible for his whole life. I also feel like I'm just enabling him to do nothing. Pushing him to do stuff doesn't work, not asking him to do stuff doesn't work, he's been saying he'll take out the trash and clean up the kitchen for days but hasn't, it always goes this way. He hasn't been to therapy in months but never calls to get a new therapist. I feel like nothing is working.

Thanks for responding and caring. I just cannot deal with talking to people in my life because I don't want them to tell me to leave since they know him.

Auror. · 29-12-2021, 01:35 AM

I just want to say I agree with Jenna, (Pi.R^2) that your fiance's well being is not your responsibility at all. If your sole reason for being with him is out of guilt and feeling like you need to take care of him, that's not the basis of a healthy relationship.

I think having things that you are able to do without him is again, part of being in a healthy relationship. It's healthy to have some separate interests and friends, and spend time apart.

It sounds like you've picked up on a lot of red flags here, and you said it yourself. You can't make him change. If he's unwilling and/or unable to change his behavior, it sounds like you really need to think about how much longer you want to stay in the relationship.

Is getting any type of therapy for yourself an option? You deserve support to help you work through your options and figure stuff out in the safest way possible.

nonperson · 29-12-2021, 01:35 AM

This sounds like a very similar situation to what a friend of mine is going through at the moment. Not quite the same in terms of a drugs relapse (although she discovered her husband was taking drugs) but exactly the same in terms of the softly softly approach not working and the pushing him approach also not working in the way of general household tasks as well as family related childcare sorts of things. In my friend's case both of these approaches were definitely enabling him to carry on the way he was and without her realising he was manipulating her to make every situation/argument/discussion end up going his own way.

I'm not saying things are at all the same in your case. I would maybe look into coercive control and see whether that applies to your situation.