I'm tired of all my emotions not making sense to me.
I'm tired of hurting other people and myself.
I'm tired of making so many mistakes.
I'm tired of putting my family through hell.
I'm tired of knowing how to be better and not doing it.
I'm tired of not feeling human.
Death is a certain end to it. I'm bad at life. It will always feel horrible. What if it doesn't work though? I'm stuck here. I'm trapped. I don't want to be me anymore.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling so tired and hopeless. From everything I’ve seen, all you do is make people’s lives better though! So even if there’s examples making you feel like you hurt people, from an outside perspective, those don’t even slightly outweigh all the positive effects you have on people.
Do you want to talk more about what’s going on?
And just to check- are you taking your medication?
I am sorry things are so much. You've had so much on, and had so many big changes, I think being tired is understandable. Please try to go easy on yourself - you make such a huge positive difference to so many lives. Also we need to go to the cinema, which is clearly Very Important.
Do you think there's any way you could take the pressure off yourself, if only for a few days?
Also, what Jenna asked.
Much love.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I'm not sure you know the full horror of what I do though Jenna.
I'm frightened of getting up and I just sleep all the time. I don't know how I'm going to feel moment by moment. I'm overwhelmed by even the smallest things on the Doctorate. Mornings are so hard and I never want to get up in the mornings and I'm going to screw this up. Even if I don't this will happen again and I'll be unhappy.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I'm not sure you know the full horror of what I do though Jenna
Try me?
I'm glad you're taking your medication!
Sorry things are so incredibly difficult even despite that though. Do you have a break from doctorate things over Christmas? I hope that will give you some time to recharge.
Would you consider seeing a doctor to check in about your medication dose and seek some support?
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Thinking of you Kiran I haven't been around for a long time but I have just come back to the site.
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today? I don't know much about how things have been for you in last few years but I do know living with mental illness is exhausting.
Is there a wellbeing /mental health type advisor person you could talk to about being overwhelmed by doctorate? Maybe they could help you liaise with your department to take some pressure off?
Thanks Jen and Lio. I think I'm a psychopath. There's nothing inside of me. I'm all wrong. My feelings are so wrong. I love people butI can't act right.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I don't think you are a psychopath or have antisocial personality disorder (think that is correct term) from both how you are writing and having met you. I am not a medical person but from my understanding people with antisocial personality disorder don't care about the feelings of others or care about their own behaviour.
You are clearly struggling and don't want to feel how you are feeling currently. You say you love people but can't act right, so it sounds like you feel some sort of attachment or feeling there below the nothing although I appreciate it is hard to access.
The nothing inside sounds similar to the emotional numbness I feel when I am dissociative. Is dissociation something you have experienced before?
Have you talked to any professionals about the noting and things feeling wrong? I think it would a good idea to get some extra support at the moment.
Thanks for your really thoughtful and kind reply Jen. I think yeah dissociation is something I experience a lot. I've emailed a potential therapist about it but it's hard because I haven't started therapy yet and she hasn't responded. I don't know when therapy will start as I'm waiting for a slot to become free.
I'm thinking of asking to try a mood stabiliser to help with my mood tumbling but then weird giddiness and delight and also impusivity. Does anyone have any thoughts on that?
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
I don’t have personal experience of mood stabilisers but it does sound like something that could be really helpful for you- definitely worth asking about.
Therapy is happening. I just feel like I'm lost my voice. It feels so confusing. The thought of my life being over feels, like....strangely euphoric.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
How is therapy? Are you finding it helpful? I'm wondering if it's bringing up some painful things and that's making things feel more intense in the short term while you process them? I could be completely off the mark here, but it certainly seems as though something has made you notice the complicatedness of your situation at the moment and I imagine suddenly being so intensely aware is hard.
Thanks my lovelies. Jenna, I'm pretty sure it isn't therapy, therapy has been pretty gentle so far. I am more self - aware though I guess, more self-aware of how unequipped I am to deal with this sadness.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
The sadness is like this crushing hopelessness. I don't know to explain it properly but it's like there is no point to anything.
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
That sounds so bleak and all-consuming :( But do remember that it isn't always like this so it's worth holding on for it to pass because at other times you've felt great hope and optimism and I really hope you get back there soon.
