Contains abuse - debating talking to my bio-dad again

[jaythejester]

my bio dad was awful to me as a kid, almost worse as a pre-teen, and I cut him off as much as I could a few years ago. now I'm debating whether or not I overreacted and if I should give him another chance after this long.

when I was really young he just didn't take care of me when I was at his house. he wouldn't brush my hair, or bathe me at all, and barely fed me unless I cried at him. My mom had to brush so many mattes out of my hair that by the time I was 5 or 6 she let me just cut my hair short, and even then I managed to come home with mattes in my hair after visiting dad.

when I was a pre-teen he was a pretty stereotypical asshole dad. physically intimidating, pushed me around a few times but never left any bruises, yelled over pretty much everything, and ignored me otherwise. By that point, I could take care of myself and I did, with the $20 I got from my mom before I went to his house going to my food for 2 weeks.

as a teen though, I came out to him as bi. he said he was only okay with me dating girls as long as they "weren't trans and I wasn't actually gay". later I came out to him as trans and he called me an extremist, said the "liberal town" I lived in was brainwashing me, and went on a rant about he "used to and still would kill an extremist". after that I stopped talking to him, I blocked him on every social media I had, and blocked his number. I begged my mom not to make me go to his house anymore.

he hasn't sent me a card or any gifts since I blocked him (I wouldn't expect or even want him to) but his parents (my grandparents) still sent me cards on Christmas and on my birthday. this year on Christmas he gave me $100 (by way of my older brother who still talks to him). he also recently had a minor heart attack. we only know that because his cardiac enzymes say he did, he didn't even notice he had one.

my mom keeps saying I should at least think about talking to him again, my brother calls me selfish and cuts me off anytime I try to explain why I blocked him in the first place. the only people in my family who seem to understand why I did what I did are my aunt (who everyone else in the family hates), her husband (who everyone in the family calls crazy), and my grandma (literally the only sane one). honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. he was awful to me. he expected me to apologize for his abuse, and I blocked him. now I feel guilty, and almost every member of my family has been calling me selfish. all of my friends are saying my family is being unreasonable, but they're also teenagers who hold grudges so I'm not sure.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to consider in this situation. how do i even start to think about this?

[Pi.R^2]

What strikes me about this is that aside from pressure by family members, you've not given one reason why contacting your dad again might be a good idea. That to me says don't!

Could you say to your brother that if he won't let you explain your reasoning then you don't want to hear his opinion about what you should do?

[Ophiuchus]

I agree with the above.

I've been here. Not the exact same situation, but I grew up with an abusive biological parent and ended up having to cut them off to protect my peace and my mental well-being.
To this day, many many years later, this parent flatly refuses to take responsibility for what they did and the way they behaved, nor will they apologize; they don't see that they did anything wrong.
I'm expected to bow down to them and basically cater to their pride and their narcissism.
I will never apologize for protecting my peace and well-being and neither should you.

As Pi says: you've not given a reason as to why contacting your father and having him be part of your life again would be a good idea for you. You've also said that he low-key threatened you for being transgender and that's just horrific.

So before you do anything, ask yourself this:

What would having him in your life bring to you?
Would he bring you happiness, joy, love, acceptance, safety?

[Zippit]

I see this thread was started around a month ago so is the OP still around to talk about it further?

What makes you think you overreacted?

I know of a child in a similar situation (social services monitored). I won't hijack the thread with another story but just to say I understand something of what you're going through. I have a feeling that the child I know may one day vote with their feet - as you have done. I also know that the child loves the parent wholeheartedly and feels the parent to be fun to be with, neglectful behaviour aside. Does your dad have any redeeming qualities that you feel may draw you back? If not, what do you think it is that makes you want to give things another chance?

I am sorry he couldn't accept you being bi or gay. It must have been difficult to come out to him if he was so bad to you. Have you talked about it with your mum as you appear to be okay with her?

Can I ask how you know about his cardiac enzymes and heart attack? Does this make a difference to how you feel about him?

From what you say your mother knows how he was with you. I'm interested in understanding why she feels you should talk to him? I also note your dad appears to have a good relationship with your brother. Does your dad get on with any of the other relatives and could they, maybe, help with mediation if you do decide to talk to him again? Mediation is a powerful tool in relationship healing/building if used properly.

Quote:

I don't even know what I'm supposed to consider in this situation. how do i even start to think about this?

I would start with talking this over with someone in confidence such as a counsellor or even your local vicar (or whoever your local church person is). You don't need to be religious to approach one or you could try a mental health charity and I'm sorry but I wouldn't know who they are in your country.

Whatever you decide take your time. When someone hurts you the emotional wounds go deep and last long. It wasn't your fault but you need to heal from that first. This may be a contrary thought but I do believe in talking things over as part of the healing process - once you've dealt with your own feelings.

I hope that helps a little.