Curls up. Enjoys squish.
Well that was productive hour sat in a stupid place (Don't want to trigger anyone) making sure my plan would work. However- I am back. Isn't it funny how feeling safe is so relative on the situation. I feel much safer at home (were I was scared earlier) because I felt worse where I was for that hour... Weird hey.
I have let so many people down today. So so many people. I am increasing it by the minute. I jut can't see a way to make all this ok again. Anything ok again.
How are you doing Mum24?
Katie- I am so sorry your struggling so much hun. Do you knwo why your so low atm? Hugs tight
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
*hugs Roli*
I'm glad you're back somewhere safe honey. Why do you feel like you've let people down? <3
I don't know. I've messed everything up. I keep doing things wrong and I don't know why - whatever I do I end up hurting someone. I don't see an end to this...how is a couple of weeks of therapy going to erase 10 years of depression and mistakes? It's not. I can't even function enough to go to work - there's no way Occupational Health are gonna let me back now I've told the CPN how much I'm struggling. I can't stop myself falling back into this pit of despair. I just really do feel like everyone would be better off without me. I have nothing. I am nothing. Sorry ^.^
Hugs Roli. I wish you didn't feel so bad that you went to a dangerous place. Should you be telling someone hon? What about your plans? Are you going to carry them out? Please be careful. Take yourself seriously sweetie. Don't want to lose you.
Katie. I know exactly how you feel about being empty and not being able to work. I've felt that way for a long time. I still kinda feel that way cuz this job is barely working out. I'm getting hardly any hours, I'm a temp and they are still accepting resumes for the position I'm in. I feel yucky. I feel like a failure. I can barely hold down any job. I know it makes you feel like less of a person. But you're not. You are still valuable. You still have worth. Just being here on this site is so important to so many... Like me and Roli and others. We care about you. I can only imagine there are so many others in rl who couldn't live without you. I'm worried about you. Keep talking to us. I'm so glad you are here. You are such a sweet person.
Katie- What mum24 said is so so true. Please stay safe. Ask for as much help as you need, you deserve it. Hang in there hun.
I can't thank you enough for staying with me earlier. I was in a bad place- I was so confused and scared. Thank you. x
Mum24- thank you. I don't know what I would say to anyone. My plans are coming together nicely. I have the place and the means. I'm not worth taking seriously hun, I'm not worth saving. I have failed everyone, and as usual, I am pushing away those I care for most. But its ok, I know that things will be ok in the end. I just know it.
I'm sorry your struggling atm hun, it will all work out, I just know it will. I know how frustrating it is when people don't have answers for you, but they will come. Just try to hang in there and keep fighting.
Stay strong all. xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Roli, you are worth saving hon. Trust me I know what u mean. I've failed everyone in my life... But you know it's not true. None of us can be perfect. We carry too big a load. Your plans will not be ok in the end if you kill yourself. It's just not true. It'll be an absolute mess for everyone. Just pain and anger and suffering and loss. Sweetie we need you here. Please tell someone about your plans.
Love and hugs
so f*cking sick of life
trying my hardest to get through but i'm tired
my parents hate me
i'm scared of them
i don't feel i can call my support team because they've said they don't know how to help me
sick and tired
so sick and tired
I'm sorry diagnonsense. Hug. I don't know what's wrong with support people and why they say stupid things like that. I've been there. I mean, how unhelpful! You are not beyond help. Things CAN get better. If you are on the edge and can't stay safe, can you call a crisis line or go to emergency at the hospital? You need to stay safe. Keep talking and don't give up. There are people who care. You deserve a good life. I soooo know the pain u are feeling. I really feel for you and wish I could tell your support team a thing or two.
Mum24 - sorry, i should have clarified. I'm actually 38 years old and live alone. My parents live a long way away from me but I am still scared of them. They aren't evil people, I am just scared of them. I told my Mum how I was feeling yesterday and that i wasn't safe and that i had self harmed. well, she asked. she basically shouted at me. she thinks i should just get a grip.
if it were as simple as just getting a grip then I would have done that by now.
I phoned Samaritans earlier. I might phone them again. Am not going to the hospital. They'll make me stay.
I have good periods, hell - the past two years have been quite good. I've had my blips. But I've been ill since September this time and it's really wearing thin it totally weighs out the good times. I just hate my life right now.
Diagnonsense, I understand where you are coming from. The down times that I have had in the past 4 years are really outweighing the good times in my adult life too. I am having a hard time getting out of this last "episode" and it's hard on everyone- my whole family. I'm sorry about your parents. That is unfair how they are treating you, and unhelpful to your recovery. Can you distance yourself from them at all? Or would that be stressful? I know what it's like having an unsupportive family member. It's awful. I'm glad you called the Samaritans. Yes call them again. Anything that helps to get through the moment. Hug. Pm me anytime.
If my life doesn't dramatically improve by January 1st, 2013 I will end it on that day. THERE IS NO STOPPING ME! I'm doing the world a favor. Unless of course, I manage to make life tolerable and actually accomplish something by that deadline.
11/30/87-1/1/13
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
CaptainB2, why base your happiness on someone else, like on finding a girlfriend? I know you are in pain and needing fulfillment and feeling love is a huge part of that and I understand I really do. But from my experience, romantic relationships are not "life savers".. You can't expect a partner to save your life. It comes from within. Otherwise it is too hard on the relationship. Same with jobs and other expectations out of life... They are only things. You are worth saving because of YOU. Not because of what you do, or what you can accomplish. I have failed at a LOT in my life but I can't set the date because I can't base my life on chance. There are too many outside variables that may cause your life plans to go wrong and then by your plan, you end up dead. You need to be basing your life rather on contentment with who you are as a person. You are a person of worth. You have good qualities. I can already tell that you are a person who cares deeply about your contributions in life, you care about love, and are a smart and intelligent person capable of expression and writing deeply. And I hardly know you! I think you are worth saving. Please reconsider what you value and why you should live. I think your date is based on the wrong things. I don't want to think of you dying. I hope you read this far.
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
