Everyone in my life is struggling but probably none of them know how bad I am struggling.
I realise there is noone out there anymore and nothing that can be done. I know I need to end it all and I know one day I will but for now I can only dream about it as I still cant let anyone down and that alone is killing me inside.
I WILL FORGET THOSE THAT HAVE HURT ME
BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WHO ARE ALWAYS THERE TO HELP ME
I'm not wearing this jumper because I'm cold. I'm actually boiing hot.
It's because I think seeing the disappointment on your face if you saw the cuts would kill me.
Okay... I'm REALLY scared to say this... but... sometimes, I wish I DID have an ED, because then I could possibly look pretty and be thin enough for the things I want to do with my life...
but I can't do that because I can't just not eat, and if I lost my singing voice, I'd completely lose my mind...
It's just that I am not going to be beautiful enough for Broadway, and I'm not going to be pretty enough for producing music, and (in the short term) I'm going to be waaaay too big and heavy to make the cheerleading squad for next year... and I wish I could...
*sigh*
And now I feel like an idiot for WANTING to be sick...
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,
lay right down,
decide not to go on.
Plumeria Sister
I don't know how to be honest about my thoughts or my emotions. I've lied to myself and others since I was a small child about them - I always felt 'wrong' or 'embarassed' by them, so I pushed them down inside of me - to ignore and never acknowledge again.
I was learning how to be honest, recognizing my thoughts and how to feel my emotions appropriately when I was working with a therapist... I really liked her. I had to stop seeing her due to loss of insurance coverage (ie loss of job). I miss her... my new form of emotional self harm is acknowledging how much I miss her and tormenting myself by saying I won't ever go back. She is the only one I have ever, ever felt safe with.
I miss my darkness... I miss being in control of my Dark Behaviors... Restricting food, purging, losing weight, cutting, drinking... Once I became "Aware" of some of these things... I lost the ability to shut down and be numb.
I've had some growth / health... but the old self harm behaviors are returning and I'm not afraid of them... am I wanting to be miserable and loose everything again?
I'm jealous of all these people who are getting the therapy they need despite it obvioulsy being very hard. How dare they deem me too unsafe to do it. Do you know what? I'm too unsafe to live, so what the **** it does it matter. I hate myself even more because of the jealousy. There isn't one tiny, nice bit about me.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
i'm really nervous about going back to work because of what everyone is going to think of me because of the fact that i cut myself but at the same time i want to go back so bad they don't understand that this isn't helping me i still have three weeks until i return to work and i feel so much worse being in this ****ed up house all day
I have become a compusive liar because my bullying has left me attention starved and the reason I lie is because the only things I can't admit to are the ones that are true because they can't be taken back:
I'm bisexual, I admire the people i get disillusioned with quickly, I think I'm autistic but i'd never dare find out for sure, I have second thoughts sometimes about my realtionship, and when you asked me if I'd take the imaginary pills in the clinic i wanted to say yes.
He understands where I'm at at the moment, mentally, and he's trying to support me. But I still can't tell him how I'm really feeling when I feel bad, because I don't want to hurt him. So I normally just go and cut instead. I want to tell him, but it's hard to break the habit of a lifetime.
~Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~
I take pictures with my phone of my cuts, the blood streaming down my arms, stomach, etc. Pictures of the stark red contrast... I know exactly how I was feeling in every single picture.
I like to look at them... I find comfort, a sense of peace in them...
I know my friends are all going through stuff right now, but if I don't get the support I need by midnight I'm gonna let myself self destruct and I'm not gonna make any attempt to hide it. If they don't want to be there for me when I'm asking for help, then they can deal with me when I'm falling apart.
I wish I know how to be more social. I wish I had more friends. I wish the people I meet and hang out with in uni would keep in contact with me after the semester ends. I wish I knew how to get closer to people. I wish people would make an effort to get to know me and to be my friend. I'm always the one suggesting we hang out. I wish I didn't scare people off/freak them out so much.
Forget the risk and take the fall if it's what you want it's worth it all
I want to so bad, give up these nine months I've been free...I'm so tempted to just screw it...I feel so alone...right now.
♥July 22, 2008♥ ♥Getting Married On May 18, 2010♥ ♥Thank You For Always Being By My Side♥ ♥I Am Stronger Now That I Found You♥ ♥Love You Jessie and Amie♥
