Life, please... no more

[Pomegranate]

I know I have not been around Kahlia but for what it is worth, I still read your posts and I care *hugs* Congratulations on the 200 days free! I think you are doing really well, despite what it feels like. Please keep going hun, one day things will be better x

[Kahlia1981]

Hannah ~ Thanks very much for your support. *hugs you*

Emma ~ Thanks sweetness & delight. I know that you've been going through a freaking hard time yourself so it means a lot to me that you have replied. *big hugs*

To anyone else who has replied recently or even just read any of this ~ Thank you very much. Your thoughts, and the time you took to read my ramblings have been appreciated. *hugs you all*

I'm having computer troubles at the moment. I've been having difficulties with the charger for my laptop for a few months - since my youngest niece jumped onto the couch that I was sitting on with my laptop on my lap and bent the cable. It was still working, but had to be on a particular angle or you had to hold your tongue right to get the damn thing to charge. This has been getting worse, and this morning I had it on charge and it was working away perfectly then suddenly with no outside interference stopped charging and flattened the battery. I was then unable to get the damn thing to charge and was at the point of smashing my laptop with any available object (including a sledge hammer). I tried one last time and managed to get the little bit of blue light that showed it was charging and was terrified to move it from there. So now I need to get a new charger for the damn laptop. The difficulty ... it's a HP Pavilion dv6000 and the current models are something like dv8000 and higher, so HP doesn't advertise any parts et cetera for this particular model. Also, the charger itself has three (3 ???) different part numbers: An original part number, and then two different HP Spare part numbers. Like WTF???

With all that going on this morning I felt totally like sh*t. I wanted to cut so damn bad. And wanting to burst into tears. I ended up OD'ing on laxatives .... which while it did absolutely nothing to help with the situation, at least was something "safe" to OD on. Some "safe" way of harming myself without really harming myself. That must sound really, really f*cked up. I had to force myself to leave the knives in the kitchen as I no longer have any in my room. I want - no have the damn urge - to hurt myself because I don't know how else to deal with anything like this.

I want to scream my freaking head off again. I don't know why .... it just seems like the only thing left to do. I barely slept last night and now I'm considering OD'ing on my Xanax. I have no idea what that would do ... I think I might look it up. But I don't really want to do it. I just don't know what to do. I just want out, I want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling like sh*t all the time.

I'm just another hopeless and pathetic human who should be destroyed.

I'm sorry.

[wildly insane]

Me again, :) Don't you dare, you said yourself you don't really want to. Have you ever punched a punchbag? You can deal with this, you can get a new charger, can you not find something online? I don't think it sounds ****ed up I think it sounds like you want to beat this and you're doing it the only way you know how. Please don't OD on the Xanax, you kind of need it. Shall we scream together? After three, one, two, three *screams*. I know you just want it to stop, but you're a fighter and you have to keep fighting a bit longer and then things will get better and you'll be glad you didn't. You are definitely not pathetic or hopeless, you are going through a hell of a lot and you have been so strong, it's admirable, I know you're tired, but it's not the time to give up. Take care hun, hugs, Hannah

[Kahlia1981]

I contacted HP to try and get a part and now have to ring either a 1300 or 1800 number to reach the Australian HP Master Parts Reseller in Sydney to try and get a new AC Adapter for my laptop. I think it might have to wait until Friday because at least I'll have some money then ... and then when the new one arrives I won't have to play "best guess" with trying to get the damn thing to charge ... and then having it stop charging the second I walk away from it.

As for the Xanax .... I started researching it and realised that it could be fatal with the amount I have here - or at least put me into a comatose state, and if mixed with alcohol .... well lets just say it would make things even worse. Because of this I skipped two doses. Well I skipped them because I knew that at that point I had absolutely no way to stop myself from taking the remaining tablets in the bottle in one hit. I could not guarantee, even to myself, that I would be safe from doing so, and therefore did not risk it. Therefore .... I did not sleep last night.

I have managed one Xanax this morning and am gong to try and talk to my house-mate today about this ... urge ... in an attempt to find some workable short-term solution. I wanted to talk to him about it yesterday but was terrified to do so, partly because of his recent OD and I didn't want to trigger anything in either of us that made us fear the other. (I don't know if that makes sense ... things are a little convoluted in my head at the present time.)

The thing that I noticed last night, and realistically since Saturday night when I began to research the Xanax in an OD situation ... was that there is no emotion involved with it. Since the thoughts or urges or desires or whatever the heck you want to call it has entered completely into my head there is nothing. I do not smile unless I remember to. I do not really feel sad - no where near as depressed as I have felt. Just sort of ... detached from everything. It is like there is some part of me that is completely intent on my destruction, and I have no control over it.

I do know that I do not want to OD. I do not want to die. I want to live and see what there is in life, what it can offer me. But I cannot shake this urge to OD on the Xanax. I can't find a reason for it to be there - not like this. And I don't know how to fight ... partly because I can't find a reason.

I vaguely remember having these urges associated with nothing while I've been struggling with stopping SI but can't think what I have done to rid myself of them, or to manage them until I was able to be enough in control.

For some reason, the OD just seems like the only thing that I can do. Like walking into the darkness and becoming part of it is what has been planned for my life by whoever does the life planning.

You are right Hannah and I thank you for speaking frankly to me about this: I dont want to do it, and I need to hold on to this. Also, I do not need to do it, and that means that I need to fight this urge. I am strong enough to fight this, even though I do not think that myself right now and I have no idea how to keep going. But I need to remember that there is something out there worth living for .... even if I don't know what that is.

I am not going to do it. I will fight this. Somehow ... I will find a way.

[Pomegranate]

You are doing really well Kahlia....you may be sick of hearing that but it is TRUE! You have said you do not want to OD and whilst that is an amazing step to take, you need to go one forward and take measures to ensure you do not follow what your thoughts and urges are telling you. You are strong enough to resist if you reach out for the help. You are also intelligent enough to know that giving in to the urges will just lead to more heart ache and suffering. Keep going Kahlia.....it is hard but you are on the right track x

[Kahlia1981]

Today my house-mate and I cleaned the house. It isn't perfect, but when you have been living in what feels like a pig-sty ... any improvement is good. I feel a bit bad about it though because it took me 4 hours to clean the kitchen, whilst my house-mate cleaned both the bathroom and the living area and also swept out the back and front patio areas. Mind you, we both agree that the kitchen was a hell of a job. There was absolute sh*t everywhere ... cockroaches and spiders and ants and who knows what else. There was also a drawer of a chest of drawers in the kitchen that had rotting vegetables in it. I nearly vomited several times, especially when I cleaned out the big fridge because there were substances stuck to it that I had no idea what were or how long they had been there and I had to attack them with some serious chemicals ... which affected my stomach on their own. The other reason for my wanting to vomit was when I saw things like insects inside items in the fridge (the fridge is looking pretty empty now - actually we have no food). I also found out that we have a bench-like object in the kitchen that I don't believe I have ever seen before ... and we moved some things around. I think that there is still probably some work to do there, it would not surprise me at all, because there were packets of food (unopened) and so forth on the top of one of the fridges that I had no idea who they belonged to or where they came from or for how long they had been there et cetera.

I feel a little better now but I had to admit to my house-mate that I had not eaten since Saturday. The work and the chemicals were affecting my stomach and head and I kept getting dizzy, so I tried to use that as an excuse ... but he had seen that I had felt quite dizzy before I had started work so he asked me straight out. I looked down when he asked me because I was going to say that I had eaten yesterday but he a) asked me again before I could answer and b) asked me to tell him truthfully. He said that I would have to eat this afternoon and again tonight to try and get my "diet" back on track. In some ways that feels like the opposite of what my head / mind / body are telling me is what is required. It kind of confuses me.

I've managed another Xanax this afternoon. Took one in the presence of my house-mate although I haven't told him anything about my concerns or why I have been distancing myself from everything that is going on. I want to, but a) it never seems to be an appropriate time and b) I'm terrified of hurting him and c) I'm scared that he will get really concerned with what is going on ... and there is always the possibility that he will suggest the hospital - although that won't be a worthwhile adventure.

I have my letter regarding my surgery. My pre-admission clinic is for the 14th of April and the operation is "presently" booked for the 26th of April. I'm not sure that I will be well enough to act like all is well so that it can go ahead and I'm a little concerned about afterwards because this house is not going to make it easy for me (especially with it being my dominant arm and the layout of the house is ... not exactly going to help matters). I will have to bring this all up especially as I will be unable to do simple tasks for myself like bathing and toileting (or cleaning up after) and dressing and I should still be studying for a few hours one night a week ..... *screams*

Okay, a bridge that will have to be crossed, when it has to be crossed and not before. Right now I just have to stay calm, and try not to OD on the Xanax. I just wish I knew what sort of help I need so that I know who I can ask, and what I want them to help me to do!!

[Kahlia1981]

It had been a crappy day. And I feel kind of odd. I just want to go and lie down and rest ... but I did manage to complete my washing and also the washing of two rugs and one other load. Now I've been watching the four different DVDs of series 2 of Futurama. I'm just trying to keep myself busy for a little while longer to keep the urges at bay. I have managed to take the medications as prescribed today but I feel like sh*t still. Just kind of ... washed out ... even though I did absolutely nothing.

I guess I did nothing because I am nothing. That works.

[wildly insane]

*hugs Kahlia* wow that's a lot of cleaning, must have felt like an achievment :) hope the whole operation thing gets itself sorted and of course the laptop charger. keep fighting those urges, you're so much better than that and don't beat yourself up about doing nothing, take care of yourself.

[Kahlia1981]

Today started at 4am. My laptop charger is now totally f*cked. The metal connector decided this morning to seperate completely from the rest of everything. My house-mate saw how it had affected me this morning and gave me his debit card and told me to order the part. He owed me $90 from when I paid for his TAFE course deposit (which his parents are now going to pay) so now I owe him like $9 or something.

It has been a crazy day. I informed my mother that I wouldn't be going back to choir and handed her my music and stuff back. I also told her about the date for the operation ... She said that I needed to let her know when the pre-admission clinic was going to be so she could come with me so that I could maintain a degree of calmness ... I felt like telling her that if she was there I would struggle even more to be calm. Blech.

See ya later.

[ravynsoul]

*sending you lots of hugs*

Hope you get things sorted with the laptop charger soon. Good luck with the pre-admission clinic. Hoping your day goes well.

[Kahlia1981]

Things are weird. Seriously weird. I have to remember to vote today, although I have absolutely no idea who I am voting for. Last night was ... odd. I don't think I actually slept at all - partly because I didn't take my final Xanax for the night as I had had alcohol and was a little cautious on the "mixing" reaction. I could have done with some sleep, but meh, sleep will come when it is ready. I am going to have some massive bruises on my neck ... and how I got them ?????? lets not go there.

My laptop charger has arrived and is all A++ in working order. So now my laptop charges and I can use it and ... and ... and my house-mate had accepted the parcel and set my laptop to charging and didn't tell me it was there, as it came while I was seeing my doctor. Speaking of which ... I'm going back on flupenthixol injections. Hopefully that will help turn the volume down on the auditory hallucinations, and also bring back into line a little more the visual hallucinations. Which really only leaves the mood state to worry about. But I'll be seeing my doctor once a week to get the injections so that'll give us some time to work out what to do about those.

I'd better go. Just wanted to give a quick update. Love you all.

[Kahlia1981]

Voting is all done. Yay. I did an "absent" vote because I'm way too lazy to drive all the way out to my old address (some half hour away) to vote where I am supposed to. I now have the paperwork to change my address, so I guess that I'd better do so. Blech. The longest part of the voting was waiting for them to give me the damn paper so that I could vote ... then it was done in seconds. If voting wasn't compulsory in Australia ...

Anyway I'm only minutes away from reaching 208 days SI free now. It feels good. Kind of weird, but good. Monday will be party day from that point of view. Mind you, Monday is also when I get my first depot injection. Then I have to start booking weekly appointments at my doctors to get more injections. The poor pharmacy is going to have to continuously stock that particular depot injection so that I can have easy access to it, but thankfully will have a week's notice at least if there is going to be a dosage increase or anything like that. I really hope it works.

The mood stabiliser issue is still a concern. I'm not quite certain how it will work out. I need to discuss it with my doctor. Realistically of the commonly used ones (lithium, tegretol and valpro/epilim) the only one that is re-tryable is the epilim. I did hear that there was a newer drug that had been FDA approved for use with Bipolar that worked better on the depressive side of the disorder, so I might talk to her about that one ... it does have to be increased severely slowly however to reach a therapeutic dose as otherwise there is a rash (Stevens-Johnson Syndrome or something) which can be fatal. But, one thing at a time.

At the moment, life is okay. I feel like I am on top of the world today, even though I have a massive blister on one of my toes from walking down to the polling booth. But ... somehow .... I don't know.

Peace to anyone who reads this.

[mouse in darkness]

Haya Bubblegum Just want to let you know Iam here as well as irl okay. You can pm me me or just tell me to shut up and you do the talking. If you need help after the surgery you know where I sleep. okay. I am glad things are getting better for you. Atleast that the medication is working for you. I will miss you when I leave older sister.
I told you so. I have known for months I just didn't want to say anything or play match maker, this is your life and it is your choice on when and where you do things.
*hugs you tight*

[Kahlia1981]

I made my seven months SI free ... but had planned to massively OD yesterday. I dropped my house-mate off at uni at lunch time and was intending never to return. I drove to Ayr (some hour or so from where I live) and was hell bent on continuing on - but the anti-psychotic injection began to kick in and it was like someone had turned the volume down on Jillian. I was sitting there trying to decide what to do because my plan was to drive to Mackay and OD and sit in the car with it switched on and music playing so no-one would ever know. But I wasn't do it because I wanted to do it. I was going to do it because Jillian told me that I had to. Had been up to the hospital the night before and they did jack-****ing-diddly-squat. They told me that I didn't really hear voices and that Jillian was just an intrusive thought and that because I was a self-injurer that it was my coping mechanism every time I was emotionally charged. I told them that there was actually no reason for my changing moods (except chemical) and that the moods could change as easily and quickly as anything, but they either didn't care or didn't believe. Because of them I almost ended up dead. And the worst part is that I don't know if I shouldn't have just gone ahead and done it.

Meh. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't deserve support and I'm barely supportive to others myself. Right now I just want the mood swings to freaking go away so that I have a base starting point. Not that I think it will ever happen.

Oh and they kept saying that CBT was the "be all and end all" which I don't believe it is. I believe that it helps some people, but it doesn't help everyone and in the years that I could spend looking for someone that I can trust enough to actually open up to ... why should I even bother.

I don't know. Everything just seems so futile.

[wildly insane]

*hugs Kahlia* things aren't futile, and not taking the overdose is a good thing, like you said, it wasn't you who wanted to. You're right CBT doesn't work for everyone, but isn't it worth a try? Sorry to hear that the hospital weren't helpful or understanding, just what you didn't need, but we understand, you do deserve support and you deserve to be happy, take care and keep posting, hugs, Hannah

[Kahlia1981]

My house-mate got admitted yesterday afternoon. I was going to try and go in and see him today but haven't felt up to doing much. My moods are all over the damn place. Going to talk to my GP on Monday about putting me on a mood-stabiliser. Anyway, my house-mate has been started on some medication to keep him sedated and they are going to try a mood-stabiliser on him. Looks like he'll be in hospital for a little while. While I am happy that he is getting help, it has negative effects on me too. Like all I want to do is lie in bed and run away from everyone. I haven't eaten since Sunday and seriously don't feel hungry, I'm barely drinking fluids and just overall feeling blech. CATT called me both yesterday and today but weren't really very helpful. Just sort of like "oh well, call us if you need us". It's only about 7pm but I'm considering taking my night medication and putting myself to bed. I am just over fighting. No energy, no concentration, no ability to make plans .... just over it all. I really wish that it would all end.

[wildly insane]

Sorry to hear things are so bad, *offers a gentle comforting hug* please look after yourself, if you eat and drink you'll have more strength to fight this, whether you want to or not, please keep fighting. You're a lovely, caring, thoughtful individual and you deserve better than this and one day it will be better.

[Kahlia1981]

I made an emergency appointment with my GP today and she got them to give me another injection of my anti-psychotic. She is going to do some further research into mood-stabilisers but realistically there isn't too much choice available for things like that. I see her again next Friday for a double dose injection and will have to get a script for the following week. She also said that she would fill in my paperwork for Centrelink because she agrees that I need to continue to be on the disability pension considering how bad things have been. When I walked into her office she said to me "why do I get the feeling you are going to give me a bad report?" so I told her the good news first - that thankfully the injection kicked in after 24ish hours and that the injection kicking in was the reason I was still alive. I told her what I had started to do, and what the plan had been and everything. I think that the only thing I didn't tell her was that I haven't been eating and am barely drinking. I'm drinking a bit more today than I have been which I guess is good ... but I smell food and I just feel nauseous. *sigh*

We went in and saw my house-mate in the hospital today. I get the feeling that they don't want to allow us on the ward because they sent him out to us, instead of letting us in to see him ... but whatever. He seems a bit better. Dying for caffeine (since they don't let you have anything with caffeine in it at all on the ward) and hungry as hell ... that's due too the anti-psychotic he's been put on though. I felt okay ... kinda good ... when talking to him but I really didn't want to say goodbye.

My mood has been seeming to settle a little since the injection, but there could be hundreds of reasons for that, including the fact that Nicole burned all my bridges with my ex last night. He has been ringing and abusing me and basically only turning to me for emotional support and not being prepared to give any in return. It made me feel extremely used, and everytime that I spoke to him I'd feel guilty and so on.

Speaking of house-mates ... my other house-mate told me today that I either have to start eating or stop taking laxatives. I'm not sure that I'm quite ready for that yet. She said that if I didn't make a choice she would inform my house-mate that is in hospital about what I have been doing. I told her that he already knew I wasn't eating ... but even I don't know if he realising exactly what is going on with the laxative situation.

I should be researching how to fix the monitor on my laptop but I'm just feeliing a bit too lazy and not really able to concentrate. *sigh* I just want my house-mate home .... but having said that; I don't want him home until he feels comfortable coming home.

[Kahlia1981]

I got quite a bit done today considering I've been in a depressed phase for most of the day. I:

• Put some music onto my laptop
• Drove my house-mate to school
• Drove to Coles
• Bought a tv antenna and some blank CD-Rs
• Drove home
• Put on my washing
• Loaded still more music onto my laptop
• Loaded music from my iPod's onto my house-mates computer
• Hung out my washing
• Played with the landlady's dog
• Still more loading of music
• Picked my house-mate up from school
• Went to Hungry Jacks (Burger King) and had a medium drink
• Came home and downloaded some programs and stuff for my laptop
• Took my washing off the line

And just got home from visiting our other house-mate in the hospital. The nurses actually let us go in to see him today which was good. We went armed with Coca-Cola. We left when we did so that there was no chance that he would miss the food trolley. I didn't want to leave him but I've decided that I'm going to write him a note that says that I love him and ... a few other things, but then I'm going to write a special part that converts the ASCII characters "I love you." into Hex (hexadecimal) digits and add that to the bottom. He could be coming home as early as Monday. He said that he feels ready to go when they are happy for him to go, which is good news.

Anyway, I'm still surviving. My moods are still changing but the changes are not so rapid and I don't think they are quite so drastic. I mean, I'm low now, but I'm not so low that someone needs to scrape me off the floor, and when I'm up, I don't need people to put cushions on the ceiling or keep me from trying to jump off the roof and so forth. So maybe things will be okay.

*offers hugs to everyone who has read or has been reading these outrageously pathetic posts*

[Kahlia1981]

I'm getting tired of waking up at ridiculous hours of the morning. I've done a whole stack of cleaning already today and at the point I'm writing this it isn't even 8am. I felt like sleeping in my house-mate (who is in hospital)s bed last night. That probably kind of sounds sick but I just miss having him home so much. At least he seems on the mend. I just don't know where things stand with me at all at present. And I'm more than just a little bit over it. I'm still having trouble with food ... and I think that's adding to my feeling so weak but it all just seems so futile.

To anyone who reads this and can understand it:
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