So had an appointment come through from GP for 6th June to discuss if I need a referral to respiratory team at the hospital / what best management plan is for my asthma. He booked an appointment but said to call in if I can't do that time, luckily that time works for me so hopeful we can get a plan in place My GP does specialise in respiratory medicine so he should be pretty on the ball about it.
It's just tricky because my asthma is under control majority of the time with episodes of really not under control that last a week or two. But the episodes of not have got more frequent in last 7 months have had 3 lots of steroids which is a worrying trend.
Guess I am a bit anxious about the appointment / about If we can't find meds to stop attacks / not under control periods as it's wrapped up in risk of being hospitalised and the scary being in hospital with asthma memories. But more anxious about not getting taken seriously as it's under control when I see the medocal professionals and just repeating that downward trend of more frequent steroids / attacks because we haven't changed treatments. Unitl it gets so serious I get hospitalised and they cant ignore it anymore. Although GP taking nurse seriously and organising appointment is a good sign that it will be taken serious.
I am struggling mentally but don't quite know how to help myself / what will help. I think the upcoming appointment for my asthma in 9 days and the fact my asthma kept me awake last night have set me off mentally.
I am not having an attack but I feel like I could have an attack and the uncertainty is leaving me afraid and making me look for a way out or a stress relief. And that desperate want not to be in the situation causes suicidal thoughts even though I don't really want to doe. And the stress makes me think maybe the old coping mechanism of self harm might help even for a minute.
I just don't how to deal with it because it's not like an asthma attack is an irrational fear. And the old memories of the hospital and struggling to breathe are haunting me.
I am just stuck. But not having a panic attack or anything it's definitely asthma and being scared.
Had the paramedics out again tonight. On a bit of a come down from the adrenaline Nd medications jnbut pretty sure it's going to hit mentally at some point later today. Any tips for dealing with the fallout?
More details about attack if people want them in my RV.
That sounds really scary! Hope you are able to calm down enough to get some rest. Sounds like it's a good thing your appointment is soon. Sending love.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thanks for the love Camden I really needed it tonight. Thanks for the confirmation that it is a valid thing to have found scary too . It's lot to handle.
Feeling a bit less shaky now so going to try listening to some music and at least resting if I can't sleep. Have to be awake again in 6 hours to ring GP surgery to give them info before blood test so hopefully I don't have to wait around at the surgery too long to check in with my GP.
If I get antsy may be back on here sooner though.
Hope things are alright for you, or at least as alright as they can be, I know things have been very overwhelming recently.
That's a 100% scary and overwhelming thing to have occur! Trying to listen to music and rest sounds like a good plan.
It's obviously earlier our time so even if we don't necessarily post a response, we're likely to at least pop back on and read if you do need to post again. We'll be sending some love and calming vibes for you across the ocean.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Just headed to A&E because I was feeling worse but not ambulance bad and wanted to get checked out. Obs are ok so it's a case of see how long I have to wait. Been triaged and Nurse said they would bring me back when they had a space.
Thanks for cross ocean love and calming vibes much appreciated as is knowing your looking out for me.
Going to try listening to music again now just in the waiting room instead!
GP was helpful. But not much extra I can do at home on top of what I am already doing. He has a good handle on things and was reassuring that I was doing the right things, hopefully steroids should start to help within 8-12 hours and took first dose at 7:30am this morning so by this afternoon. Just keep up with the inhalers, keep monitoring, ring GP if I think steroids aren't kicking in enough tomorrow, and ring for help if I need it. Oh and try and get some rest.
Hopefully steroids will help but it might be a case of needing to go inpatient for more regular nebulisers to get things under control.
In good news chest x-ray was clear, alas that means we haven't pinned down reason for this flare up yet.
Sorry I have been all over the site so much I find asthma stressful /scary enough when its like this but it has the added dimension of fear due to intrusive memories of it flaring during lockdown and the scaryness of being in hospital alone and developing FND and not knowing what the hell was going on.
that all sounds so so stressful. glad the GP was nice and you got extra medicines, even though they are scary. can you rest for the rest of the day? you had such a long night we hope you can.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm sorry you're going through so much, Jen. I can understand why those things would be really scary and upsetting for you. Keep talking if it helps. I hope you do manage to get at least some rest today too.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Sounds so difficult, Jen. I'm glad you have your partner, and I hope that you don't need hospital - but if you do things aren't the same as in 2021 so it should be a less lonely experience.
Thinking of you.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Just woke up from a 2 hour nap. Which takes total sleep in last 24 hours to 3 and a half hours. Although was resting sort of before nap as I have been propped up in bed since getting home. Need to grab something to eat now as I fell asleep before I had lunch.
Hoping I can get an alright sleep tonight before the steroids fully kick in as they give me insomnia.
I am trying to reassure myself that hospital would be different this time if I need to go in. And trying to manage the fear best I can. A good thing is it likely wouldn't be the same ward I was in as in 2021 so less memories, because during pandemic the resp ward was made into a Covid ward, so regular resp patients were in a different ward.
I am sore and short of breath but at least not any worse than earlier today don't think I have hit better yet though.
I am starting to go a little mad. Don't think steroids have kicked in enough to properly help my breathing yet (I am on a lower dose than guidance received mmends to try and reduce side effects) but I am definitely feeling more wired I am absolutely exhausted but it feels like my brain wants to run full tilt forward, do all the things. Not doing things resting and feeling weird and not liking it. Stress is rising now and starting to feel like it's all a bit too much but I can't get out quickly just got to take the treatment and get there the slow way round.
Oh and hope that hospital consultant thinks I am a good candidate to try the triple in haler and or the biologics. With the biologics results of my blood tests should let them know if its something that may help. Might officially get a severe asthma diagnosis as well if it is.
Any stress relieving tips that do not involve large amounts of energy usage or focusing on your breathing?
And I showered this morning, despite it making me a bit short of breath, which is another win.
Steroids are helping my lungs I think but also messing around with me mentally. Feel like I might be a bit manic. Hopefully insomnia won't hit tonight. 8 hours in chunks last night was good but not really enough to catch up on day of basically no sleep.
I'm glad you've had some wins, that is important. How long will you be on the steroids? I hope you can manage your MH and get at least some sleep tonight.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Will be on them for 5 days initially. So last dose on Monday morning and then I am seeing GP on Tuesday. It was meant to be to discuss referral but he has got that ball rolling already now I think. Still will be good to review so I am keeping the appointment.
Feel like doing all sort of unadvisable things. Some that would usually be fine but are dangerous when my asthma is flaring and others that are generally risky. I am not going to do any of the things at least I think not, but even having the thoughts zipping through is hard to handle. It almost feels like my blood is fizzing. Like I have this weird frantic energy but my body is pretty physically exhausted. It's probably because of the steroids but making it through next few days could be tricky.
And my heart is going fast but that's a side effect of my inhaler. But it doesn't help with the agitated bit.
Hope I can roleplay tonight, at least that might give me something to channel my excess energy into that won't make my asthma worse.
