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I took a very, very small od. Like, even smaller than my normal amount. So small it barely counts as an od if it even does at all. If I start experiencing severe or dangerous symptoms I will phone for help.
I am in bed. Trying not to take any more even though this really doesn't even count. Hoping to try to rest for a bit soon.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It does count, it's an overdose and I'm worried about you. Perhaps call NHS or talk to Kim ?
I do hope you can rest but PLEASE keep an eye out for symptoms.
Okay. Got some sleep at least. Too tired to care about feeling unsafe.
edit:
Was going to meet with one of my TAs for a class but now we are meeting together with the professor. Really anxious and hoping I am just feeling physically odd from being so anxious. Almost fell down the steps because I'm feeling kind of wobbly. That'd be awkward. Anxiety sucks.
Last edited by Auror. : 07-04-2015 at 04:26 PM.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It could be the overdose, and I really recommend you get checked out. Your heart does some funny things at the best of times from my memory, what might seem like a small overdose to you could be a big strain on it.
I've had some coffee and getting some food. If that doesn't help I will consider it. I think I still need more sleep to be honest.
My TA and professor were really kind. I did not expect that. They want to know what hey can do to help for this class and the future since the professor is also my department head.
The TA bought me a coffee afterwards. She said if I am ever in the hospital to let her know and they can find someone in the department to take care of y dog. She also offered to go in with me to ask about funding to see doctor lady. She also said if they can't fund it to tell her and the professor because they would see if the department could find it.
I don't understand why they are being so nice about it. It makes me feel really guilty for wasting their time. I told them things were not really under control but they said to please try to come to class tomorrow and that if I need to the TA can go over te missed lectures with me, and that they will send me some video links on the information I missed. I feel awful about it.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I think you should get checked out Carmen. How are you feeling now?
'm glad they were so kind to you and I hope you take them up on their offer if you ever need it. They're nice because you deserve it. Please let them help.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I had some food. It did not really seem to help. I am going to call off work and take a nap with the dog. I do think I was anxious earlier though.
I am reluctant to get checked out. I do not want them to think any of this is a big deal or waste their time when there is likely nothing wrong. Just me being an idiot. I am sure it will be fine after some more rest.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I am really glad the conversations went so well and you were able to talk to them. Even though you don't feel it, it's great they are being so supportive both with school and helping you see someone.
I slept a bit. I even had some more food, which I normally would not have done. Pretty sure my body just hates me. :P
My friend A gave me a video game that she wants to me to play, because her, her fiancé, and I can play co-op on it. She swears there are no zombies.
My TA sent me an email asking to go for a coffee after class tomorrow- I think as an incentive to come. She said she and the professor have also talked and are more than willing to help in whatever way they can. So I told her coffee sounds good. She is also talking to another student she knows that struggles with mental health stuff (but admittedly handles it better than I do) to see if she would be willing to talk to me as well.
My other professor finally responded to my email. She is offering an extra quiz for everyone on Friday, and has said that any future quizzes I can make it to class for she can double count to make up for ones I've missed. She also said if I cannot make it to classes she will still try and sort something out with me.
I don't understand why everyone keeps being so kind. They all keep saying stuff like I am very bright and I have what it takes to succeed and I don't know how to reply to things like that. I feel really guilty.
My TA also suggested things like using my planner to schedule blocks of time out, so I have a bit more structure and maybe don't get so overwhelmed with everything. She also suggested coming to campus every day even when I don't have classes to just work on coursework for a few hours. She even said she would be willing to pop in and say hi and check in, if I wanted her to.
I feel so so guilty about wasting their time and kindness on me. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I have to try to do some schoolwork now. I know all of this is supposed to make me feel more hopeful and to an extent it does but at the same time it doesn't.
I'm still feeling unsafe. I might have to od again tonight even if it is just a small amount again. The dog vomited twice this afternoon even though she'd not eaten much of anything. I'm worried about her now. I told my mom I had a bunch of coursework come up last minute so she was not upset about me missing work.
I don't know. It doesn't change the amount of schoolwork that's piled up, and it doesn't change the situation really. I'm not a very nice human.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I have read your post and I'm going to come back to it properly but I wanted to check in and see how you're doing?
It might feel like it hasn't changed anything but ultimately you've just increased your support level quite a bit, had people show you the compassion you deserve and potentially found a way to have dr lady funded. You've been very brave talking to these people about what is going on for you and from the outside looking in it has paid off.
I hope you can remember their offers of help and use them if you need, like going in on a day off and popping in.
I think you're a nice person. I can only base that on what I see here but you're very compassionate and caring.
Well, do not recommend going to classes when od effects have not worn off yet. That was not fun. But I did go to both my classes so at least that is something?
Met my TA for coffee before class, and the PhD student I was meant to work with on a project this semester (which fell through) came as well. Turns out she has anxiety and depression, and has recently started taking meds for it, so my TA thought I would be able to relate to her and get some hope from talking to her, since she has been to Antarctica, which is something I really want to do. They both said they think it's very possible for me to continue in school and do well, and that they think grad school is also possible for me if that is something I would want.
They were both very kind and have offered to include me when they hang out, and said even if we just met once a week to do something social and fun, they would let me know. They also both said if I ever needed someplace quiet to go on campus that I could come to their offices and hang out for a bit. They are both closer to my age (TA is 24 and other person is a few months older than me) so they said they could understand how alienating it is for me to be in classes with people so much younger than me.
TA also said that my professor/department head has spoken to the department advisor, and they are trying to figure out what they can do as far as funding and or to speed up stuff with doctor lady, and sort some other support out for me.
I feel like a complete fraud. I'm not managing. I'm not safe. I'm really not functioning. I don't know.
edit:
Is it a bad idea to self harm as well? It's not enough and I can't end up in hospital tonight so should not take more but what else could I do?
Last edited by Auror. : 09-04-2015 at 06:33 AM.
Reason: added
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
