Need a little help please Updated - Page 9

Uglyducklin · 20-08-2014, 10:51 PM

Ian selfish Fat bitch for not managing when I went out with my friends as they struggle too. My eating disorders nurse was right to say what she did but I had thought about it but I don't know how to make it right. I've cried so much I'm exhausted. I'm so scared and confused it's so painful it hurts to breathe I don't know what to feel its so raw and real and on top of that over ten years grief around my dad is swamping me. I'm sure I've heard her wrong but it's real and hurts and I don't know. On top of all this I hate my body so much I physically want to rip it to shreds . I'm sorry I don't deserve to post. X

posterboxromance · 21-08-2014, 02:39 AM

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. Sometimes taking deep breaths helps when I'm really upset maybe give that a try. You deserve to post please keep talking. Please be kind to yourself. Is there something you can do to distract yourself like watch a funny movie?

talaiporia · 21-08-2014, 02:45 AM

Jess, none of those words about you are true. You know that. You're a good person. This isn't your fault.

What happened today?

LittleCloud · 21-08-2014, 03:24 AM

*hugs* Jessie, hope you're ok

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 21-08-2014, 11:02 AM

Sending you my love. <3

Uglyducklin · 21-08-2014, 09:33 PM

I'm sorry I'm so touched by this. I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person I don't know I just feel so low and the worse thing is I'm taking it out on other people especially my mum. I'm just such a fat dirty monster. I'm so scared about the doctors tomorrow I'm half thinking about printing out the post to show the doctor and my eating disorders nurse. I just need to stop being so horrid I don't know what's got in to me. I hate myself so much right now.

talaiporia · 23-08-2014, 12:03 AM

You are not a bad person Jess, I am sure of that.
How did things go?

LittleCloud · 23-08-2014, 07:24 AM

You're hurting Jessie. I'm sure they understand. Did you print the post to show? It might be a good idea if you feel you can communicate better in writing

Uglyducklin · 24-08-2014, 07:22 AM

Thanks both of you. I didn't in the end I just tried to talk. They are suggesting Quetiapine again but I'm very reluctant because this weight gain is what led to this latest spiral. I'm terrified I'm stuck like this I hate my fat body so much. It all feeds into my beliefs that I'm a fat freak and a monster.

I'm so angry with myself and my body . I trusted my treatment team and my weight went up and now I can never lose weight again. The abuse makes me feel so violated and I want to scream that this is my body and nobody else has a right to dictate what size I should be. I just don't even feel like a person. I just feel so overtaken with fear and shame and thoughts and images.

Sorry I don't know I just want to run and hide and lose this fat. Sorry I'm rambling.

LittleCloud · 24-08-2014, 03:25 PM

*hugs* Jessie. It feels so awful and out of control- I hear and understand because I am there too. Low on words, but holding you in my heart

Uglyducklin · 26-08-2014, 10:47 PM

Sorry I've not replied. It's so hard keeping it together. I feel fat dirty and disgusting I'm trying to do the food thing but I can't do all they are asking it's draining. I can't take the panic and needing to make it stop. Suppressing it is excruciating. Yet to the outside world I appear so calm but part of me wants to scream can't you see how much this hurts how the fat is disfiguring and warping my body and how hard it is to chew and swallow and fight the memories? Sorry I'm so melodramatic.

talaiporia · 27-08-2014, 01:44 AM

Does anyone know how much you're struggling?

LittleCloud · 29-08-2014, 03:54 PM

Hope you're ok Jessie

Uglyducklin · 30-08-2014, 09:39 PM

Sorry I don't know. I feel fat and dirty and terrified and trapped. I saw my gp yesterday and in spite of usually being shut down I sobbed through the appointment. My gp was amazing and I don't deserve the support she gave me. I think I'm fat monster we talked about how my body behaves in terms of fluid retention and weight and I just feel disgusted. It hurts to breathe. I don't know what to think anymore :(

talaiporia · 31-08-2014, 11:07 PM

I'm glad to hear she was so so kind.
I know you won't believe it, but what she says is true.

How is therapy going?

LittleCloud · 01-09-2014, 04:07 PM

*hugs* Jessie you are beautiful both inside and out. Hope you're doing ok

Uglyducklin · 03-09-2014, 02:15 PM

I don't know. Crazy urges to destroy the fat and my body. I feel like I need to break it but I've got a puppy class tonight and I had a drink and it had calories in it so I failed. Such violent thoughts in my head . I'm sorry I wish it would stop. The abuse therapy is going wrong I haven't done it right I am stuck in the shame and my eating disorders nurse isn't back until 25th of this month. I don't feel human. I am a fat dirty monster. I need to hold it together tonight but I'm scared that I will screw that up too. Sorry I'm waffling.

LittleCloud · 03-09-2014, 03:08 PM

*hugs* Jessie. I hope in the puppies you can find acceptance- you are not fat or dirty and in the way they react to you I'm sure they'd say the same. It's hard having that break- I've had long breaks from counselling too. Does it help to journal?

Uglyducklin · 04-09-2014, 10:31 AM

Thanks Alannah I feel so fat and dirty and guilty my mum has been through so much. I also miss my dad so much it hurts to be without him. There is so much I want to say to him. I don't know everything feels too much.

LittleCloud · 04-09-2014, 01:39 PM

*hugs* can you write a letter to your dad and tell him some of the things troubling you?
You might not be able to give it to him, but it might help get the feelings out <3