Yes they came this morning, I was 100% fine then, everything was amazing and I felt positive.
I think it's knowing I'm home alone tonight and it might be my last chance to try to do something severe to myself. And then the music mentioned scars and holes and that was a sign.
I'm pretty much not safe tonight. I'm unsure what to do, my brain says hurt myself a small voice says to think about the giant scar it would leave if it failed and how difficult it would be to cover that, how such a severe attempt may actually get me kicked off my course. That's if I live. But I shouldn't be planning for living if I want this to work I should be planning on dying, of which I've thought of several ways to make it more likely.
Hi everyone I'm really sorry for not replying. Quite thankfully I fell asleep (watching the football, in a womanly way). I might try and call the crisis team. I don't know. You're right Dash about the living consequences because they would be really really bad but I still feel compelled to try something despite that. My brain :/
I haven't read the whole thread, only the last 20 posts or so, so sorry if I've missed something, but I wanted to come by and leave some love.
I hope you manage to call the crisis team, as it sounds like you're not too safe. Can you unpick why your brain wants you to try something? It sounds like consciously you don't want to die, but that there's something niggling say it will be a wasted opportunity if you don't try tonight?
I hope you manage to call the crisis team, as it sounds like you're not too safe. Can you unpick why your brain wants you to try something? It sounds like consciously you don't want to die, but that there's something niggling say it will be a wasted opportunity if you don't try tonight?
Correcto. And thank you for the love Jenna, lovely to see you I appreciate you taking the time to post.
Yeah it's like... the perfect opportunity right now. Well not perfect but as good as it will get really.
It's also a perfect opportunity to play music really loudly, or to go and play a practical joke on your dad or to dance around the house to the spice girls or to do something your dad doesn't approve of.
Out of all the things you have a perfect opportunity to do, why this one?
That's clever. I don't know. Because this one won't come around again and the urges are so intense, it's like I can see it. I almost feel disgusting for reaching out for help because I feel so strongly I'm going to act on it, but the rational part of my brain (my frontal lobes, FYI) is picturing how I would go to uni next week and have a meeting with my course coordinator with a bandaged wrist. Or what if I needed stitches I can't get those.
I called the crisis team. The guy was friendly and funny. He suggested I try and get my dog to bite me to get that release. Which was weird. But also that I need to find a distraction or such that worked cause my current ones are not working in this situation.
I want to keep reaching out for help but I'm scared I'm going to do it and you'll all be angry with me for wasting your time. I'm trying. I really am. I don't need any more scars and it's only like 27 days until my brother returns home.
No, things have progressed worse actually. I'm pretty convinced about this. What is wrong with my brain why is it ignoring my inhibition processes. There's nothing any one can do, I called crisis but if I'm not going to listen then I'm just being a bitch posting here and I' m sorry.
This is going to fuck up my future if I live and I'm scared scared scared. I have considered calling a helpline if things get worse than they are now, as I am drinking. How how how is this happening after being 5 years free?
Please please try to cling on to the rational side. Call crisis again if necessary, please do whatever you can to stay safe.
This may be your last chance to try anything but that doesnt mean you have to do it. As Jenna said, today is also your last chance to throw a big crazy party before your dad gets home but that doesnt mean you are going to.
Please Aimee, cling onto that rational side. You have got so so much to fight for! Could you just take (the prescribed amount of) valium and go to sleep?
Drinking will be making this all so so much worse, as it is a depressant, but I am sure you know that. Could you consider putting the alcohol away for tonight?
I considered calling a friend to come over even though it is late, because I've never felt like this before. I need to not be alone but I also need to be not in hospital and I'm scared if I call a help line they'll call police or someone. I justw ant to talk and don't know any more. Thank you steph x
The drinking is dutch courage. Or, something to put me to sleep s it frequently does.
If you call a helpline now, and stop drinking they will probably be less likely to call for help for you, if you just say you really need to talk.
Calling a friend would be a very good idea even though it is late, what about your friend who knows the situation who said she would take care of Jazz?
It sounds like you are trying very very hard to fight against this in spite of your brain arguing and I am proud of you for that. Please keep fighting. We are all with you. And please keep reaching out here if you need to.
Poo. I remember the crisis lady told me not to drink before my vaccinations tomorrow. I'm on hold with the lifeline (the number you gave me Steph!) they call themselves crisis supporters so I think that is apt and what I need. I have razors I took apart and I haven't done that for years and I'm scared of that.
edit; there's an oline service so using that instead.
