Roli - you're not an idiot honey. You need your strength honey <3 I feel like I'm a bad person. I didn't save them so I as good as killed them right? I might not have put my hands to them but I'm the reason they're dead.
Katie - You're probably right; I'd prefer to fight through the night when there's a chance of sleep rather than to have to face it all day. I don't know about the restraining order - part of me thinks it's a good idea...but part of me knows he would just see it as a challenge - has a reason to try harder...so part of me knows it'd just be better to leave things as they are. I don't think I gave them good memories...if I had they'd still be here, right? They wouldn't have let the darkness take them over. They wouldn't have given up fighting.
Sapphire Hearts - Thank you so very much for your kind words - I don't feel strong. I feel weaker than ever right now. I'm sorry you lost your friend; but I don't feel like I can be saved. It feels like it's just a matter of time.
Thank you for the offer of a PM - same to you, if there's anything I can ever do <3
I'm feeling really low today. I went to get the Diazepam from the chemist because I feel like over the next couple of days there's gonna be a time when I get that desperate...when I'll need it. I could feel myself getting more and more desperate last night - luckily my medication kicked in and I slept. It just worries me that if it hadn't have...I'd probably be in a much worse state. I just feel like lying down and just letting myself die. Slowly. Painfully. Just let my body slowly shut down. I didn't tell my Psych about my plans yesterday. I kid myself that I didn't tell him because he didn't ask...in actual fact I was just afraid to. I didn't want him to think I was crazy. I didn't want him to think I had that because I wasn't committed to getting better. I am. I think. It's just...well, it was a back up plan. Now it feels like the getting better part is the Plan B. If all else fails then I'll try the therapy and counselling and medication. I know this is wrong. I know it should be the other way around...but it's not. My brain seems to have got everything wired wrong. I feel so lost and alone. I don't know what to do any more.
x Katie x
Oh honey. *Squishes*
Firstly- you didn't cause those peoples deaths hun. Please stop telling yourself that, its simply not true. Would anyone have caused yours? Me for example? If you took your own life, would I have caused your death?
I don't need my strength- I am apparently on autopilot, no strength needed *Throws it in your general direction...* Quick grab it before we get super strength rats...
I'm so sorry your feeling so low today, but it is good that your meds kicked in. I know it sounds daft, but I guess thats what meds are for. Lots of people would be much worse without them, they take the edge off, stop things getting to 'that' point. But its good that they helped even just a little.
I know what you mean about lying down and slowly dying hun- but you can't let this beat you. You just can't.
I'm sorry you couldn't tell your psych about your plans, I totally understand the mindset of 'they didnt ask' I use that a lot to try to rationalise what I say and what I don't, but it doesnt help in the long run hun. Its also hard to decipher your intentions after a while, the 'why didnt I say anything', 'do I not want anyone to know', 'is this my head fighting against the rational part' etc. Just please keep fighting to tell the truth hun. They won't think your crazy, just struggling. Promise. They also won't think your not committed to getting better- you being there shows a level of commitment.
*Tears up Plan "A"* So now plan A is out of the equation... You are down to plan B, great. *Nods*
Keep fighting hun,
Roli xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
*squishes Roli*
I feel like it's my fault. No, it wouldn't be anyone's fault if something happened to me - but I was the one he called that night. I was the one who knew how much they were struggling and I was too self-centred and fatalistic to realise they needed my help. I was so focussed on my problems and my grief to realise that they needed someone to be strong for them. I was the one they confided in and I was the one who let them down. How can I even consider that I deserve any help with this when I didn't help them? I could have helped. I could have been there. I could have talked them out of it. I'm sure of it. I didn't. I didn't know what to say when it finally came to it. Now they're gone and I hate myself for it.
I'm just so torn with EVERYTHING right now. I want to get better but I also want to destroy myself completely. I want to tell the truth but then I want to hide it away from everyone. I want people around me, helping me...but I also want to push them all away. I want to be back at work but I am really questioning whether I'm ready for it. I'm sick of going from one extreme to the other. It's tiring and I have no energy left. I just sit here wondering if I gave up now, just sat on this sofa; didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't do my injections or take my meds...how long would it be until someone realised something wasn't right? Days? Weeks? Longer? Would anyone ever think 'Hey, I haven't heard from Katie in a while?' - and the answer? Probably not. I don't see people from one day to the next - only for appointments...and my next booked appointment is in February. CPN would probably call - but sometimes I don't answer to him anyway so he'd just think I'm doing that again. Adam wouldn't be coming around because he's staying with his parents still. No one would notice until weeks had gone by and someone finally realises I'd disappeared...but part of me doesn't think they'd care even if I did. I haven't heard from my family this year - literally not since 30th December...family's great huh? Always there when you need them? Mhmm...
Now I'm just rambling and I don't really know why. Is there any point to any of this any more? No. Probably not.
x Katie x
Thank you Libz. I try to be honest but...yeah, it doesn't come out right. I just end up muttering and shutting up. Gah. I hate my thought process sometimes.
I change my phone tomorrow which means I can change my number and hopefully stall or deter my ex [[it'll only be for a while though]].
I've been trying to distract myself today...it's not worked very well. Still feeling pretty suicidal - but now I have the other tablets so worse comes to the worst - I'll just take a couple and go to bed. Tried all my DBT techniques already; Accepts and Improve and Self-Soothe and Pros and Cons [[is it bad when there's more pros than cons for killing yourself?]]. None of it works. Tried to do square breathing but started having a panic attack - great. Nothing's working so the Diazepam might be my last hope of not ending up in hospital tonight. Gah.
It's the anniversary of Tom's death in ten days. Fuck. It's the first one EVER I've been alone for - mainly because I can't afford to go to Manchester to see his family. Even though it might be the last one his mum sees because of the cancer. I hate the day. Hate Hate Hate it. The memories of that night ring in my head. The sound of him sobbing down the phone to me. The sounds of him swallowing pill after pill while talking to me. The slurring of his words - part drink, part drugs. The fear in his voice as he says he's sorry. As he says goodbye. The tearing in my chest as I realise what's about to happen but I don't know how to stop it. I can still feel myself shaking like I did that night. The horror that literally ripped through me. The sound of the dial tone as he hung up on me. It's all still there. In my head. Why didn't I DO something? Why didn't I save him? Why didn't I see past my own fucking issues and help him? I hate myself. This is never going to end well.
x Katie x
if someone chooses to kill themselves, that is their decision. regardless of what they're past has been, or who is or isn't able to help them. and i don't think that your friends would want you feeling suicidal because they killed themselves. i think that in their memory, you need to try to get help. honestly, to me, that is the best way to honor and respect them.
if you have more pros than cons for killing yourself, then its a huge tip off that at the moment you aren't able to consider things from an objective point of veiw. i know how frustrating it is. you go into it thinking that it will help deter you and you come out feeling even more hopeless than before.
that phone call sounds very traumatic. it is clearly very distressing. have you talked about how to deal with it with anyone or at the DBT?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Katie darling- that sounds a truly horrific experience. Please talk to someone about it honey. Please. You can't keep destroying yourself like this. Please.
It wasn't your fault. It was his choice. He made that choice. You did your best. You were there with him. You couldn't have done more. Nothing you would have said would have saved him and I am so very very sorry about that. But its the truth. Just like nothing we say could save you if you had made that decision. You were with him till the end hun and I am sure that meant the world to him. He was very lucky to have you honey. But he would hate you to blame yourself.
Please just let me know your alright, ok? We're all here for you.
*Stealth Squishes*
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Katie - No, I've never spoken to anyone about the fact that he called me...to be honest, before now I've never really talked to anyone professional about how much I miss him.
Roli - *hugs* I may try to talk to my CPN next time I see him...just because with the anniversary coming up I feel really unsafe. I get what you're saying about it being his choice...but what if he'd called me that night for help; but because I didn't give it he did it anyway? Or I should have realised before then - I looked at a photo album of his visit back here in the November before it happened - he wasn't happy. You could see it. He was smiling; but he wasn't happy. His eyes were cold...dead. Why didn't we notice? We were his family and his best friends. I can't stop blaming myself. I was the last person to speak to him. I was meant to know how he was doing; but without realising it I'd let him push me away.
I just feel like it's one thing after another now. Each time I think I've sort of picked myself up; or at least stopped myself falling further - something comes along to unbalance me again.
Am I kidding myself thinking I could go back to work? I mean; it literally takes all of my time and energy at the moment to make sure I don't go completely off the rails. Who am I kidding that I'm anywhere near a fully functioning human being?
My plan is still there. I can't listen to that song now without thinking at that one second 'This is the point at which I am going to die'. I know it's going to happen. I feel like it was written so long ago and now it's finally happening. I know I should be talking to people. I know I should be asking for support. I know I should be calling crisis when I'm as low as last night...but I won't. As much as I know now isn't the right time; if something happened to make it happen...I'd be okay with it.
OCD's through the roof again. Lists. Numbers. Counting. Clean. Disinfectant. All of it. Over and over again. If I stop something bad will happen. I know it. I don't know what but I can feel it. The anger in the air. Vibrating around me. It's all a little fucked up, you know?
x Katie x
Oh I know sweetie, I know.
*Cradles Katie tightly*
I'm sorry things seem so insurmountable hun. I understand what you mean about not being able to talk to crisis or ring anyone. Just keep trying, ok?! You might find that just one time, you can manage to pick up the phone.
This is the only thing I want you to take from what you said in that message to me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heaven Knows
I was meant to know how he was doing; but without realising it I'd let him push me away.
Darling, he pushed you away. He didn't want saving. He wanted to know you were there for him. He didn't want to be alone. He wasn't. He knew you cared. He didn't want you to know how he was doing darling. The same way that I'm sure you hide how you are really doing with nearly everyone you know. Everyone that is close to you.
The same way that I pushed everyone away when I was planning and no time more so than on the day I took the pills darling. That final push. Thats the most important one. This is why you couldn't see how he was doing darling, this is why you didn't realise he was pushing you away. He didn't want you to realise. But that is NOT your fault. Thats his choice. You were there when he needed you in the way that he wanted. *Holds tightly*
Please don't give up darling. I can't imagine how impossible this time feels for you, but please try to tell someone. Anyone.
As for the song darling, it scares me how planed out you have it all.
Hugs tightly, your never truly alone hun, no matter how much it feels like it. xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
I don't even think it's a conscious choice to give up any more...I think it's gone past that now. I think I've already given up...now it's just the waiting game.
It's all planned. I know the song. I've seen the smile on my face. Felt the calm pass over me as I fade into the darkness. I've seen it all...and I can't get the fucking picture out of my head. It's always there. In my nightmares. In my waking hours. All of it. Twenty four fucking hours a day.
It hurts. It all fucking hurts too much. I literally want to fall down onto my knees and scream as loud as I can...until there's no air left...until there's no voice left...until I can't even think any more...until all the thoughts go.
It's been six years...things are meant to get easier with time - but I miss him more and more. I miss them all more and more. Why is that I have to not kill myself when all of them did? People say they wouldn't want me doing that - but how do I know that? They clearly don't view suicide as a bad thing seeing as they did it - so what's actually stopping me? Why is it that they didn't care enough to stick around but I have a stabbing pain when I think about how it'd hurt my friends? I clearly wasn't enough to stick around for. I wasn't worth it.
I feel so low. My CPN called earlier...I didn't answer it. I couldn't. I just...I couldn't face talking to anyone. I'm here. I'm alone and actually speaking to someone scares me right now.
My thoughts are getting worse. I washed my hands earlier...I couldn't stop. I knew something bad would happen if I stopped. Something so very bad would happen. Over and over again. Had to keep washing them. Gah. An hour later and the feeling finally went away. The dread left me.
Fuck. I hate myself.
Last edited by Heaven Knows : 11-01-2012 at 08:19 PM.
Reason: spelling
Okay, apparently I’m most honest when I’m rambling…and that’s what I’m hoping for.
I feel like everything’s building up in my head again. Why do I continue to go through these cycles – feel shit, do something ‘stupid’, get hope of getting better, feel shit….around and around again and again. I’m just getting so fucking tired of it now. I want it to stop. I’ll be sad. Or happy. Or fine. Just something constant? I don’t care what it is…just something that’ll stay the same for more than one fucking day. I am finally one hundred percent alone; and I think for the first time ever…I don’t care. I’m glad. All I have to do is suffer through tomorrow morning’s DBT session…then I’m home free. No one to see and no one to check on me for one week. Good? Yeah, too fucking right it’s good. I can destroy myself in every fucking way possible by then…I’m not even sure I want to see the end of that week. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know. Can’t say I’ve decided yet.
It’s so fucking stupid – I’m finally looking at going back to work – finally getting them to listen to me – finally getting my doctors to agree I should be at work and what am I doing? Fucking myself up more than fucking ever. I don’t want to be at work. Well, I do. I want to see people from work more often and I want to have the pay check - but that’s it. I don’t want to do the actual job. I don’t want to have to deal with that along with trying to keep my head above water. I don’t want to have to deal with the customers and managers and shit. I don’t think my brain can handle it. In fact I’m pretty damn sure it can’t. I can feel it – as soon as I get back there I’m gonna fall apart again. I’m a fucking idiot. Why didn’t I just accept what Occupational Health said? Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut? Why didn’t I just quit? Why did I let them in? Now I’m fucked if I do and fucked if I don’t. I can feel it in myself…the feeling of losing control again. The feeling that storms through me when I know I can’t handle things that people are expecting me to. Why am I even that bad at handling things? I haven’t got that much wrong with me. A mild case of depression. Pa, people deal with that on a daily basis so why can’t I? I know why; because I’m weak. I’m weak and I should stop complaining. I haven’t even been through that much stuff in my life…oh no, I’ve lost a few people and someone used to hit me. I deserved it all – I deserved to lose every single one of those friends. I deserved every punch and every kick HE gave me. I deserved to be attacked…to be hurt…to be raped. I asked for it all. Why am I complaining? It’s what I was made for. To take all this shit and not say a bastard word. I brought it all on myself. I didn’t save people and I didn’t stop HIM. I didn’t get out while I could have. I didn’t get out before it got that far. I was STUPID enough to believe HE loved me. Ha. Who would? Why on earth would they? I am poison. I’m a cancer. I force my way into peoples lives and ruin everything. I kill everything that’s good and happy and right. I twist it and make it die. I am the worse fucking thing in the entire world. I’d be doing everyone a favour if I just jumped off this planet. If I removed myself from the gene pool. No one wants to be like me. Everyone goes home happy in the knowledge that they are not me and will never be like me. Even my own mother didn’t want me. She gave me up before I was even one year old. She saw it…there in my eyes. She saw how evil and how terrible I’d become – so she disappeared. She removed me from her life. Good on her. I wish everyone else could do that…no, I wish everyone else WOULD do that. They can. Some of them are just choosing not to. I feel like I need to scream a warning at every new person I meet. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME – I’LL DESTROY YOU! I can feel a storm raging inside me. Screaming and crying and fighting everything. The anger and the rage. The pain. All of it is in a tight ball in my chest. It’s raging through my chest and stomach. I want to destroy myself more than anything right now. I want to cut my arms into ribbons. I want to rip my heart out…rip my skin off. Just physically tear myself to pieces. I am so fucking ANGRY at myself. I hate myself. No one seems to understand how serious I am about that. You can’t hate yourself. Really? You want to bet that? How much would you like to bet on it? I don’t know how I could make it any clearer to anyone – if there was one person I could physically tear to shreds - it’d be me. If there was someone I could kick down to hell for all of eternity – it’d be me. If I could personally kill anyone right now – it’d be me. I don’t deserve to be talking to anyone. I don’t deserve people in my life. I deserve to be alone. I deserve to crawl under a rock and die a slow and painful death. I really do. Here’s one Harry Potter fans will understand; if there was one person in the world I could put under the Crucio curse for all of eternity…IT WOULD BE ME! I don’t deserve happiness. I deserve pain and hurt and torture. I used to tell people that I felt like this, and you know what they used to say? It’s teenage angst! Fuck off! No, it’s knowing full well that I destroy everything good and pure in this world. I should be dead. I should never have been born. I should have been a stain on whatever bed sheet I was conceived on. It would have been the greatest thing for the human race. I am so fucking ready to destroy myself slowly – I don’t deserve it to happen quickly. I deserve to suffer and that’s exactly what I plan on doing.
*BIG HUGS* how are you feeling after writing all that? it sounds like you let off a lot of emotion
i don't really know where to start to respond...
everything cycles with this sort of stuff... depression, ocd, self harm, it all goes up and down. right now is a down spot, but the pain will ease. you're really stressed right now, between the time of the year, and with going back to work. both of those things would be stressful for anyone. you ARENT weak for feeling that way. you can get through this. let your cpn know about the stuff with your friend. it is too big a thing to handle on ones own.
going back to work is stressful regardless of the situation. but often times, it takes a few days of being back, but then it actually feels pretty good. like, i always feel pretty low by the end of the summer, and want to go back to school, but dread it at the same time. and yes, generally i come home and cry the first couple days, but then i readjust and end up feeling better than i did during the summer with nothing to do except be lonely and anticipate how bad it might be going back...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Honestly? I feel slightly calmer - but I don't know whether it's because of all that or because I've just had my evening medication >.<
Thank you for your words; I don't have many left right now - I have DBT in the morning though and probably seeing my CPN afterwards because he tried to call today but I didn't answer and the DBT session is right by his office. Anyway, I'll try to tell him about the anniversary...and probably about how planned everything is right now. It feels like it HAS to happen now. It's no longer a choice.
then in regards to the choice of whether to tell him or not... i think its pretty clear that you need to tell him or your DBT therapist what is going on *hugs*
can you think of any ways to make it easier to do that? maybe you could send your cpn an email letting him know that you need to talk with him afterwards...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
*Holds Katie Tightly*
I am very glad you wrote all that down sweetie. I hope it helped.
I will say just what I normally say, because right now all my words feel like poison coming out of my mouth, but I hope you don't receive them as such.
I'm pretty sure you know my views on all that stuff by now, so I shan't bore you with it again, just to say that I think your amazing.
I hope you can talk to your CPN sweetie, please try your best to. I think he should know. Nothing is inevitable until its happened sweetie, but I do completely understand what you mean by it. Thats why you need to tell someone hun, I was the same in that mine had to happen and it was out of control- thats why I am worried. *Squishes*
Holds you tightly. Keep fighting honey xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Low on words.
Didn't talk to CPN.
Didn't tell DBT therapists how bad I'm doing.
I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure now is the time to get the bill, tip the waiter and leave.
I suck.
Thank you Libz <3
-*-*-*
None of this is real. It's got to be a joke, right? Someone's idea of a sick joke? I'm part of a Truman Show-type sitcom? Somewhere there's someone pressing all the buttons and shouting all the commands? I'm right, yeah? If I walk out to sea I'll reach the edge of the set yeah? This can't be real. This life...no, no, no...wrong word...this existence isn't happening. I'm not real. None of it is. It's alright, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone. No one listens to crazy anyway, right? That's what they say isn't it? When your crazy enough to understand the truth you're too crazy to be listened to. It explains a lot. The cameras. The voice. The niggling feeling in the back of my mind like I'm missing something. So, tell me. Who's the puppet master? Who do you all bow to? It doesn't really matter I suppose. We all end up being cancelled anyway, right? Not enough viewers? Not enough network coverage? When one of the key player goes mad surely it's time to cancel the upcoming show? No? Okay then. Maybe I should give you all something to watch - something to REALLY watch? How about going off the rails live on TV? No meds. No doctors. No support. Nothing? How would you like to watch someone self-destruct right before your very eyes? I'm half-way there so I guess there's no harm in falling a little further.
Oh Katie- You tried hun. You went to DBT, thats great. I'm sorry you didnt speak to anyone, but sweetie, you can only try your best. Keep trying for me hun, ok?! Holds gently.
Hun- Its not going to help, but I really understand what you mean by the above post. I feel like that so often. I'm sorry you feel the same. Shall we go and fu**ing shoot the puppet master. The one pressing the flaming buttons. *Nods... gets gun*
Hun- I really really dont want you to self-destruct. You deserve better. Its horrible to see you suffering like you are, try not to let them win. Your stronger than that.
Your not half-way there hun, your half-way away from there. There is a difference- please dont get any closer, look the other way and follow your nose. One day, one step, one minute, one thought further forward.
Cuddles tightly xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Roli - Mhmm. Trying. Failing, but trying. I already feel like I'm self-destructing...I feel like this isn't my life...I'm just keeping it warm for someone - like saving someone's seat. It's like they're gonna come back any minute and I'll be pushed back into...I dunno - a void? I'm not strong. I'm weaker. Weaker than ever right now.
My brain is on the run. I dunno why and I dunno where too but it's getting there at an alarming speed. I was driving home today and actually pictured myself just driving into the oncoming traffic. I saw it all. The mangled wreck of my car. The flashing lights. The black bag with my body in it. No one else was hurt - so that's a plus right?...but it was just my imagination running away with me right? It wasn't real. It didn't become real...so that means I don't want it to become real right? Possibly. I've decided today; I'm not ready for work. I have not told anyone the tiny fact and I don't plan on it...but I felt like I needed to admit it here. I'm not ready. I know exactly what's going to happen...I'm gonna go back, fake it for a couple of weeks and then go off the rails. Lose my job. Lose my house. Lose everything. My sanity? No, that left long ago. Now I'm just...clinging onto the edge of 'almost normal' by the skin of my teeth. It doesn't matter though right? As long as the show goes on uninterrupted? Mhmm. It's fine. I'll fake it for everyone else. I'll be the only one to know it's killing me from the inside out.
x Katie x
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
