You sure do pick your friends, they're not going to rain on my parade anymore. I knew it was going to happen anyway.
My new man and I have decided to move things onto the next level, it's not open anymore, I'm... sorry?
I have justified my actions, they will not bother me, I swear.
Okay... Things I need to say to you. And PROMISE I will...
I like you. A lot. You know that anyway. I'd like to be doing more than getting drunk and having casual sex from time to time. I just need to know if this is only physical for you. I don't know why you'd put yourself through all of this if it is. It just scares me that you're going to let me pour my heart out and then tell me that I'm crazy and that this can never happen. Like last night lying in bed when you told me there was a million reasons that I shouldn't be messing around with you but wouldn't really divulge. I worry that you're still in love with her. But then why did you dump her? For me. This could've been so easy 6 months ago if you'd just told me you'd broken up. If you'd told me then that you'd wanted me. I'm just worried that you've decided that you don't want me enough to make this work. I know you think I'm easy. I wish I could change that. I just... I want you. In a non-complicated, adult relationship way. I know you think I'm too young and the way I've behaved has probably confirmed that. But it's only 5 years. We can make this work.
It's like there was a void inside of me, and with you I was starting to fill it again. You started to fill the void. And now it's come back, there's nothing to fill it up. I mean I have uni and uni mates and things but I look back on those two years and I'm sure that if I wasn't a mess then it would have worked out fine and I would have been happy and the void would not be there because you would have filled it up with happiness. But now it's back. A horrible pit of despair that is slowly coming back and eating away at me. But I don't want it too. I want to be happy and I want you to fill the void again.
Maybe I'm wishing hard but still.
The times we had together were the happiest of my life and I wish I could have fully appreciated it at the time and not been a mess. I really really hope that you miss me as much as I miss you but I don't think you do.
I think you could be starting to forget me and move on and I don't want that. I don't want you to forget me. I want you to remember me as your amazing girlfriend who you loved unconditionally but I don't know if you can and it makes me really really sad to think about it.
I really really miss you and I wish that there was something that could make it better again. I wish I could turn back time and not be such a fucking mess. I wish I could relive it all again.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up in your arms.
It was going to be great. We were going to go surfing again. We had it all planned out.
I wish that you were fine with me and I was fine with you but really I wish that what we had never ended.
I really really miss you from the bottem of my heart.
The world is just illusion always trying to change me.
You will find wonder wherever you can, and spread joy whenever you are able.
I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, divide within me. - Frankenstein.
That you were so ready to leave me so there's no us anymore. And that now you're so ready to die and leave me completely.
Where do I fit in to any of this?
This wasn't my decision, so why are you happy to just fuck off and leave me to deal with it, plus you doing yourself in because of it? How is this fair?
Why should you get the easy way out?
I still love you more than anything. Why is that never enough for you?
♪♫ I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes ♫♪
I have a playlist of all the songs that you wrote on the notes you gave me back when we were sixteen/seventeen. I burned all those notes long ago, except one where you're telling me not to blame myself.
The only song where it hurt when I listen to it is the BFMV one... And I don't know why. I scream it at the top of my lungs, because I miss you so much.
I dreamt of you last night you were happy we talked you were smiling the weather was. Cold wet and thundering but that didn't matter you were happy we sat on the beach talking crap but that didn't matter you were happy smiling I dreamt of you the night before the same thing happens over and over again but your happy relaxed comfortable and smiling lying next to her but yet your the one I dream of most nights your there not one day passes when I don't think about you I'm confused :/ I ruined it surely my brain would switch off sort its self out maybe
I fucking hate all of you
I literally want to go to where you live and shake you and fucking give you biggest slap you've been asking for so many months now.
