Bella thank you for apologising yesterday. And I know why you were hiding your arms. It's al right. I forgive you. Just please eat something. You know what I mean Bella. And I understand that you're having a hard time. I understand. You can talk about it any time you know. You haven't been a dick. I just didn't listen to you so I was wrong. Thanks for hugging me too. I love you and I can't help my heart fluttering every time that I see you. I feel like hurting myself every time I see your scars. I needed you to help me. And yes, you are one the the reasons I am still doing this, but without you I would literally die. Isabella Magner. We can do this together.
'Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay.
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away.'
I hate you. You fucking idiot. I can't believe you would do something as stupid as that and then blame it on the other driver. Hello, it was your fault. You're the one who got the ticket. I hate you. And fuck, If you say one more word about how you're neck doesn't hurt that bad and nothing else hurts, I will fucking break you ribs. You made it so I have no life. I can't live up the last month of my senior year, because of you. Because you're a fucking idiot. I am in so much pain right now and I can't do anything! I can't even wear whatever I want to wear because it hurts to try and put it on! All I want is to wear whatever I want, be able to get ready in the morning without it taking 10 times longer, and be able to wash my fucking hair with both hands!!!!! I hate you.
I can't work because of you. I'm losing money. I can't do anything. I have no life anymore.
Last edited by Rainbow Colors : 10-05-2011 at 09:40 PM.
Reason: Added something.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
I wish I was with you right now. I wish I had the courage to call you and wake you. I miss you and I need you.
I really want to do the urges I told you about,
I'm trying so hard to keep the promise we made each other, (sincerely hope you're keeping yours, too)
but I am fucking struggling to do so.
So tempting.
Have barely slept. Don't even get me started on my sleeping shit.
Going to go try soon though, but head is spinning around internally insanely.
Iwanttotakemorethanxofmypainkillers.
Adult services need to hurry the fuck up. It's been way more than 2 fucking weeks.
Everything is progressing downdowndown,
it's all fucked, as damn per.
& I'm dissociating more and more aswell.
It's scary as hell.
I don't understand what even happens.
Don't remember a damn thing.
I don't know why it is even happening.
My besties & my girl are helping me through it, and to understand it more, but just,... hurry the fuck up and get an appt to come through for meds and for the care coordinator. Thank you. :l
I am literally shaking with rage right now.
You had no right to do that.
It's mine, and it's private, and that should be reason enough.
Can't you respect that?
I know exactly what you were talking about.
You have completely the wrong idea here, you know.
I'm trying my best to get better, but then you go and do this.
I don't have to fucking explain myself to you.
It's my room, my stuff, and you should just stay the fuck out.
God. You're intent on screwing me over, aren't you?
Fu-uck.
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
I'm sorry, but I can't lean on you anymore. I can't talk to you about how I'm feeling or why. I learned my lesson when you broke up with me - you can, and probably will, walk away from this. From me. And even though we're back together, the second I begin to rely on you as emotional support I'm back to square one, because if that happens I'm not sure I'd be able to stand being left again. I need to protect myself against the next time you question whether or not you love me.
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
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Bella I wish I could tell you everything. But I just can't. I need your help. That's why it was your initials and no one else's. Yeah Zarina gets pretty pissed when she knows I've slipped, and even she knows how hard it is. I wish I could tell you the reason for my scars, but you won't like me for it. And you'll hurt yourself over it. And I know you aren't afraid to go to deep like I am. What if I told you that most of them for from suicidal thoughts when you upset me. You are just so pretty. And I never want to lose you, even though I never did have you in the 1st place.
And tell me what I need to hear about you. Because I don't know if your lying about all those things you've done, and the ods you've taken. Sometimes I'm glad I'm just to scared to end it. But most of the time I get pissed for being such a chicken. I could try to kill myself. But it won't work because I won't go as far as I need to go. I've never gone as deep as you and Maddy have, and I've never done as many as Misha in one go. You don't know what's running through my head all the time. No one does. Even Zah zah only has a rough idea. Please eat something Bella. That goes for you too Misha, and Sophie. Don't let Ana ruin it for you. I think you're all thin enough all ready guys. Everyone deserves a second chance. I'm trying my best to stop this thing, and I believe you can too. If you carry on as bad as you are I'm likely to slip I can't watch you like this. Please try, not just for me, for yourselves.
'Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay.
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away.'
Can't you see what you are doing to me?
Its a terrible feeling wanting something that you something that you cannot have
I blamed myself and I tortured myself because of it
It was the biggest mistake I have ever done in my life
You are the one and only person for me and you always will be
I'm ashamed of what has happened in the past and this I cannot change
For you are my one and the only thing on my mind
From dawn till dusk I think of you.
I can't go through this again. if you do this now i will not be able to keep myself together. youve pushed me away enough if it happens i wont have a choice anymore.
Don't you realize that every time you act like this, say something like that, makes it even harder? You make me feel ashamed and pathetic. Every time you cry when I walk in the room, every time I visit you, I leave feeling terrible and hopeless. It is so selfish of you to take the blame. Why can't you understand that? It hurts me when you care. If you want to help, leave me alone. Show me you care by letting it go. Please, just let me forget.
When life hands you lemons, make orange-juice...
...Then sit backand watch everyone wonder how you did it.
