I'm now you're cover, and you're now going to help me make my ex jealous..
but now I'm starting to worry...what if I start liking you? what if I start mixing pretend with real? what happens then?
I don't want to get hurt.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
so you want to be with me as long as I'm not dark and negative and hurting myself. OK see ya, thanks for the fuckin support. Tough love is it? Old school nursing, pull your socks up, snap out of it. Come on, you must know its not that easy for me. But if i'm not worth the effort I get that too, I wouldn't bother with me either.
I don't want to stop talking to you.
but i probably need to because you're perfect.
and i'm just too fucked up.
you'll never understand, you're so perfect. I don't understand. why is your life perfect and mine a complete disaster? where's the middle?
I'm such a fuckup..i've done everything wrong.
why am i surrounded by people who have everything right?
I literally see the perfect family. mom and dad love each other. money is hardly an issue. none of the kids screw up. the parents' biggest grievance is their 18 year old daughter wears too dark of make up, wears too short of shorts (not even that short) and...oh yeah. is friends with me. who they probably believe caused all that "rebellion".
if they wanna see rebellion, they should see all the things my mom doesn't know about me. and even some of the things she does. they'd probably die if i was their child.
then again if i had two loving parents i probably wouldn't have turned out like this.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
You know I don't know how you know these things about me. It kinda really freaks me out. what are you stalking me? but that would require you giving a damn.
That I cut, that was probably just a lucky guess.
or maybe you know that thing that can drive people to cut, and maybe you did that to me too, and not just my sister. and i just don't remember it.
i wonder because i don't remember the bad things that happen to me. I don't recall embarrassing moments. People say remember that time when....and i don't remember whenever its something terrible..does my brain block out the bad things? and is this good or bad?
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
I loved you in my own way. I didn't just dump you for another guy. i dumped you because I felt like you didn't care as much anymore. and guess what the result of that was? you don't fucking care at all anymore.
why were you flirting with HER? are you desperate? because i tried to come back to you. and you refused. LOOK AT ME! you hardly looked at me. were you lying? did you actually just think i was too ugly to look at? not worth looking at? is something wrong with me? I thought you would be the one to love me, but i don't know if you're capable of love.
I do know you understood. you were the only one i could talk to about cutting that understood what i was going through. you're the one i thought would love me.
but you won't forgive.
cant you see i need you? no one else understands.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
ok - i've held it inside and i'm hoping by writting it it'll make me less angry...
i think you're f***ing sick. SICK SICK SICK. and I hate feeling like that because I always pride myself on not judging...but I know what you're like..I think you're smarter than a lot of people can see...I think you exploit and pray on people who are young and impressionable cos you know you can control them. you will never be truely happy because all your relationships will be a lie - people will spend all their time trying to make you happy while actually being desperately unhappy themselves - how can you live knowing that? and i know you know it. i know you knew it. You make people feel so pathetic and worthless and small that they feel they have to strive for your approval or respect - but nothing is ever good enough for you. I'm not too keen on J - but i pity her - I pity the times you will make her cry - she's so confident and sure of herself...I wonder how long it'll take you to beat down that confidence till all thats left is someone who doesnt even know who they are anymore.
Breaking up with you was the best thing that's ever happened. I'm sad it took so long but i'm happy i am now able to rebuild all the personality you beat out of me. and although you have made me petrified me of ever being in a relatioship again and you made me so sad on so many occasions..all i feel now is sorrow...sorrow for J...you are so so sick. leave young lesbians alone to find their way..you are sick sick sick. and everyone thinks so. i just cant believe it took me so long to see it.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
if i no longer want it, why are you forcing it upon me
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
I want to go to summer camp. I want to go on holiday. I don't want to not enjoy myself. I don't want to upset you. I don't want to take the summer away from you. I want to help you but I don't know how. I want your parents to wake up and see what they are doing to you. I want you to tell me the truth. I want to tell everyone the truth about everything. I want my family to be ok. I want to help you. I want to cry because I can't love you. I want to be better at college. I want to get better grades. I want to see my friends more. I want you to understand. I want to make everyone else happy. I want to make myself happy. I want to cope. I want you not to dislike me. I want to not seem like a threat. I want to take those words back. I want everyone to be nice. I want to get out and leave this behind. I want to give up. I want to fuck up. I just want too much...
I'm fed up of hurting everyone I interact with. I musn't get involved with anyone cause if I do I'll only hurt them.
E- I am sorry my advice didn't help you. I am sorry there is nothing more I can do. I'm sorry if I made everything worse, because I tried to give you hope.
It's not that I want to be skinny... really, it's not. I just feel like I take up a lot more space in the world than I deserve. I want to shrink until I'm nothing, then maybe I'll be justified. But people need to stop noticing, even when I'm hiding under layers of clothes... Stop feeding me. Stop caring. I'm not worth your concern, I don't deserve any of it. I've done nothing to deserve all you're giving me. Please, just let me starve, you're wasting your time. Seriously. Every time you give me food I either give it away or purge it, and the guilt almost always leads to self injury. So stop. Stop. Please.
Location: In a glass vial in the pocket of a beautiful mind.
I am currently:
why are you making me feel guilty for not being in love with you when you've always known i can't fall in love
rhap·so·dy - an ecstatic expression of feeling or enthusiasm. ♫
"Sacrifice is the most you can love someone." ♥
“Love was at best an excuse for stupidity, at worst a destructive, dangerous emotion that drove men to acts of annihilation which defied logic. It was a twisted, insidious sentiment used to justify everything from spoiling a child to destroying entire civilizations.”
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