im sure irene would tell you if you were being too clingy and im sure knowing how low u are she wudnt let u push her away. why dont you have a shower and wash your hair might calm you down slightly. please dont take the benzos you will feel shit when you wake up. big hugs coming your way. we are all here for you i know its difficult but just keep posting xxxx
You know what Laura? Irene came home and told me all about how wonderful it was to meet you, so I really wouldn't worry. She loves you and loved meeting you. I love you too and can't wait to meet you.
You are an exceptional young woman and I sincerely hope one day you can see that. xxx
Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here & live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes & die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
I plead with you now mum, let me go instead?
I wish I could take you with me, to a happy place,
Whether it exists though, is time for me to face.
Can I ask for your forgiveness? For you to set me free,
It may seem ungrateful, but this life's not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the world to me, to know that someone cared.
Found bits online, wrote some of it. So it's a mix. Sorry it made you cry. It's what i plan on giving my mum before i go.
---
She hates me and i know it. I feel a weird vibe. Like i've crossed a line. Paranoid. Upset. Maybe if i stop talking to them it will make them feel happier.
Saturday i shall be doing illegal drugs, and getting extremely intoxicated. I'm going to save some of it, and take it with prescription meds on sunday, and get the f*ck out of here.
Although i always keep saying that don't i? Feels different this time, probably because i've got the drugs..makes all the difference.
Should really move this to an R&V Thread because it's getting ridiculous and i'm upsetting / pissing off others.
Yeh.
Pretended everything was OK as usual. Let slip i wasn't doing great but then continued with another subject, she's not very good at picking up hints. If it wasn't for a certain someone this weekend i probably would have gone, she knew i was going to take my life this weekend but did nothing about it which goes to show she thinks i'm bullsh*tting. But that's ok.
And thankyou for your support. Means alot. Although i think i may still abandon this thread. Or maybe abandon RYL altogether.
maybe you should tell her she might give u more support or try n help. i dnt believe ur bullshitting its the hardest thing to do is let go. its ok anytime. if u abadon RYL alltogether then your gonna feel sworse tbh. if theres nethin i can do let me know on here or pm me day or night xxx
Thankyou cheryl (is that your name?) you've been very kind.
I've tried talking to her many times - she doesn't do anything. Pretty much on my own.
I can imagine myself with tubes coming out of my body in ICU, and the monitor beeping to say my heart has stopped. Resuscitation doesn't work. Gone into another world where i see this bright light. Gone. Forever.
Laura, please don't keep thinking like this hun. You were there for me the other night and I want to thank you for that. I'm probably not going to be around much on ryl for a little while - need to get my head a little sorted. Please pm/text etc whenever you need or want to. *hugs tight to keep you safe*
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
You don't need to be sorry that it made me cry, it is emotional and upsetting, but that isn't something you need to be apologising for. You have every right to come on here and express yourself, you are not doing either of the things that you said, so don't worry. People are going to worry about you because they care about you, but that just shows how much you should stay and fight some more.
I hope you can stay on RYL, do you think there is anyone you can call? Maybe the Sams or someone like that? (That may be a useless suggestion!) xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
I'm not sleeping, my sleep meds are doing jack shit and it's doing my head in.
Moving on.
I'm posting my LJ entry here as it seems appropriate - but it's long.
xx
(please don't judge me on what is being said)
------
I should really do what i call a proper update about everything mental health related, as half my entries are all over the place at the moment.
Aripiprazole - Still suffering side effects and they sadly aren't showing signs of settling down. It's now been 2 weeks today since i started, and i'm suffering from: Dizzyness (which is the worst), feeling faint/like i'm going to pass out, and feeling sick. Those are the main ones but i've noticed problems with my eyesight also - but i can't put that solely down to the meds as it could be that i need those new glasses.
I'm thinking of talking to Dr.Dell'ebra, aka my consultant psychiatrist. I have his direct email, and i'm really thinking about writing a heartfelt email about how i'm really doing, about the side effects of the medication, etc. Except..i don't know how to word it. I have his email right infront of me now, but i just simply don't know what to say. I might write a draft when i'm in the mood and post it on here to ask for opinions.
I don't know why but i'm feeling Gemma's appointments at the moment are very much a waste of time. I don't seem to open up to her like i once did. On friday when i told her how i was really doing, and how i planned on taking my life this weekend just gone - which i would have had Irene not turned up - she just dismissed this, and although i hate the crisis team, although i hate intervention when i have plans, i found it slightly upsetting that she just went back to the office and stopped caring.
I see her more of a counsellor who i often speak to on a regular basis about things, and now i feel like our relationship has slightly been tainted and i've lost trust in her. I think a part of me was reaching out when i told her about my plans. I'm too headstrong, and would have gone ahead with them regardless of what she'd offered me in a way of keeping me safe, but to not have no suggestions, to not have her care, it hurt deeply, and it's made me think even more i would be better off not here - too much of a burden.
I'm thinking of telling my psychiatrist if i do email him about my paranoia which is becoming increasingly impossible to get under control. I made myself physically sick on sunday night about Irene - am i too clingy? Am i too pushy? Do i text or speak to her too much? Too little? She's not even mentioned the meet to anyone on RYL - is she ashamed of me? Did i disgust her?
This of course, stressed me out, gave me immense panic attacks, brought on a massively bad migraine, and i suffered badly.
I think this stems back from my past with "friends" treating me badly and leaving me. It goes back to all that abandonment shit and i hate acting like this towards her. I feel like if we hadn't met maybe things wouldn't have changed and i wouldn't now feel so awkward.
I spoke to Zoe last night on the phone. We're getting a gram of Charlie between us (which to me, if i remember rightly, is more than enough for 2 people - so i shall be fucked), along with £12's worth of weed - she's lucky she's on good terms with her dealer so he gives her shit loads of week. Hurrah for weed, it will make the come down from the coke more chilled.
I'm concerned about going back to my old ways in my teens but..i don't know. I feel in self destructive mode, and rather than overdosing or cutting, i'm doing drugs. I feel a bit stuck. But i probably won't do it again for a while..the only thing is Zoe is moving to my town not too far from me, which means if i can get dropped off and picked up i will be doing a lot more drugs than i should be. It makes me sad and brings back not so nice memories.
I've been thinking if i do end up OD'ing badly, and if i die - great, it was my intention, but if i don't, then i will make myself get sectioned. That sounds pretty sick, but if i go in voluntarily they don't care what you do at my local psychiatric unit - you can walk out when you want and that isn't what i want. I need to be SAFE. I need to have everything taken OFF me. I need to be looked after, because quite frankly, i can't look after myself anymore. I would never, ever, ever, recommend to someone to get sectioned, and i know exactly what it entails from meeting people in the psych ward in December, and it isn't a decision i've taken lightly - but i won't go in voluntarily, and i need to be kept safe if i DO fail - which i'm hoping i don't.
I don't know where that just came from. Meh. Just thoughts in my fucked up head.
I keep having dreams of being on a life support machine. It's wrecking my head.
I'll leave it here. I can't think right now - that's another thing to add to the list - lack of concentration and restlessness.
I agree with Morrigan, I think sending that will explain very well how you are feeling right now, and gives quite a bit of information. Perhaps if you wanted to say something else you could add a little to it, but it looks good to me.
Just as a side note, I can completely and utterly understand the 'sectioning' bit, it's not that you 'want' that, it's just, the desperation to feel safe, and that seems the only way, I can't explain it too well, but I hope you'l know what I mean.
You take care. xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
Gemma told me that if i get a failed email when sending my email to my consultant psychiatrist to let her know incase she'd misspelt the email.
First time round it failed and i had a sense of relief wash over me, but decided to try again realising i'd put an extra letter in accidently.
And now i've had no failed email, and i want to curl into a ball and cry because i've just poured my heart out to a complete FU.CKING STRANGER.
I'll copy and paste it - but it's long. And. Just. Oh. God. I want to cry.
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Hello,
This is Laura Williams from St.Neots (Care Co-Ordinator Gemma Pavier).
I've been meaning to email you for some time now but have been unsure on exactly what to say, so i shall try my best to put my problems across as best i can.
Firstly - the Aripiprazole. I understand you said this may take upto 4 weeks to properly kick in, however, i am currently suffering greatly with the side effects and i'm really finding them unbearable. Throughout my medications over the years i've had side effects, and i've tried very hard to struggle through but am finding them very hard to ignore this time round.
The main side effects are dizzyness/feeling faint, sickness, restless, flu like symptoms (sweating/then going cold) & lack of concentration - the worst being the dizzyness. I've recently had my blood pressure taken and that's completely normal. Is there anything i can do to combat this? It's becoming incredibly difficult to actually function and it's making me even more agitated.
Secondly, as you're my psychiatrist, i feel i should tell you how i am currently doing at the moment.
As you know i have been very up and down with my emotions recently, and i'm often suicidal. I feel that when i am suicidal, i am not taken seriously, which makes me even more determined to continue on with my plans. I was planning on ending my life this weekend just gone, but one of my very close online friends turned up on my doorstep late friday night as she knew i was in an unsafe position, and because of her company i had no way of getting around it to end my life.
I am very seriously still considering suicide. I feel that despite the psychology/therapy that i may/may not recieve, despite the medication - nothing will change. I understand that for ones future to progress, you need to help yourself, however, i really don't want to help myself, because i don't want to be here, i don't want to be alive.
There is a lot of situations in my past that i am unable to speak about. This is not through lack of trying, but simply because i have built up a very tight wall over the years which i have never been able to let go of, and the truth of the matter is, i don't even know if the thoughts i have in my head are real or not. This is why i am reluctant to start psychology - i am not strong enough to go through trying to fight down walls when i don't even know what's behind some of them.
I have never wanted to committ suicide because of being "in pain" emotionally/mentally, it has always been because i genuinly don't wish to be here. Due to past circumstances i have convinced myself i will not have children, and the only reason - even through my teenage years - that i wanted to live, was because i wanted children, and now that hope has been taken from me. I have no self confidence or self esteem due to severe bullying throughout my childhood by not only school children but by family members, this in turn has stopped me from leaving the house.
Which brings me to my next point of my paranoia. I am finding it unbearable. I have recently started getting myself in such a state that i have been making myself physically ill with migraines. For instance, my very close friend Irene who appeared on my doorstep on Friday night left on Sunday afternoon. Sunday night i made myself extremely ill, i had convinced myself she hated me, despite her reassuring me, this was of no help to me at the time.
It's also little things which i have suffered over the years, i would never ever have considered eating out - and when having family meals i was constantly looking around me, completely convinced people were staring, and that i could hear their thoughts. I still feel the same now, except it's much more intense. When i do venture out to the local shop - which is on a very rare occasion - i feel sick, if i go to the doctors and sit in the waiting room, i am constantly asking my mother why people are staring at me, needing reassurance, but even then convincing myself that they're still staring at me, muttering obsceneties under their breath about me.
The paranoia is becoming worse, to the point where i will avoid preparing food around my parents - i refuse to eat infront of them, infact, i refuse to eat infront of anyone, and often shut myself in my room to eat my food.
In turn this has become a problem of mine. Back in 2006 i lost 4 stone. Although on the outside i beamed of confidence, i even worked in a pub, on the inside i never felt quite right. Since becoming ill, my only two comforts is self harming and eating. I binge to the point of being sick. I binge to fill a void that i don't even know is there half the time, i don't know what i'm trying to fill, but i know it's something. I don't just eat junk food - i eat a very varied diet of fresh fruit and vegetables, but my portion sizes are large, because although after half a meal my body tells me i am full, my head tells me i'm not, so i continue to the point of making myself ill.
This has been going on years, and is now becoming a big problem in my life. To combat my eating, i self harm, which is now becoming a big problem as my wounds are becoming deeper, when i cut, nothing is satisfying me, and i'm concerned myself that one day i will go too deep. I eat, and kick myself for eating, so i self harm, when i self harm, i kick myself for failing to do it properly, thus beginning the cycle of eating again for comfort - it's a vicious cycle i am unable to get out of, and it's becoming dangerous not only for my emotional/mental state but for my physical health.
I do not like to mention my weight often, and would greatly appreciate it if, in future, we do meet, you do not bring this up. I don't know why it triggers me so much, most probably from my past, but when anyone brings up my size i become hysterical and very very upset. But i'm telling you this now because i want to be open with you.
I am hoping very much to build some sort of relationship up with you, atleast until i leave this world. I feel the support i recieve is necessary until the time comes, i want to beable to open up to people about how i'm going to end my life without people trying to stop me - but i do understand that it is your job to stop me, but this in turn is stopping me from talking at all. Recently when Gemma comes for visits i will fill the time up with jokes and small talk to avoid the things in my mind, as i don't feel i can talk as openly as i once could without people panicking. I know, whenever it may be, that i will be gone before the year is over. I will be lucky to reach my 23rd birthday.
This life isn't for me and i know i've always felt odd from a young age. I do not want to get better, but i do want others to understand why i am like i am, and what i am currently trying to battle every single day of my life, and i hope at somepoint someone will truely understand why i need to go.
I do hope i haven't contradicted myself, i'm finding it very difficult to articulate my words properly at the moment.
Sorry i have rambled on - and i hope you have understand what i have said.
Thankyou again for listening.
Hope to see you again soon.
Kind Regards
Laura Williams
I think you've done really, really well in writing this out, and I think you have articulated yourself very well. You have been very brave in speaking so honestly, as I can understand that it's difficult to be open about things that cause you so much pain.
I know you're probably completely freaked that it has sent, but it is a positive, and you have done something amazing, although I know it won't feel like that right now.
Do you just see your Care Co at the moment?
Look after you. xx
-“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” Anais Nin-
Allie, Mutt, Great Grandma, Hope and Humbug. I love you and miss you all. xx
Thankyou for following everything hun - i don't know your name and i'd feel weird calling you by your username!
I currently am under supervision by my Care Co-Ordinator, although she is technically an Occupational Therapist, she's called lots of different things haha, but i'm wondering if she's more a CPN as when people on here who i know speak of their CPN's it basically sounds like Gemma. So..
I also speak to my GP once/twice a week, and see my consultant psychiatrist now and then, but Gemma is mainly the person i see weekly - she basically talks to everyone else, she's like the "middle (wo)man" so to speak.
I just came on to find 2 emails and nothing from him and i panicked. I text Gemma earliar this morning letting her know i'd sent him an email and asking if he'd email back but i doubt he will :/ I feel like it would be a waste if he didn't..like i went to that effort for nothing.
I have my r/l bestfriend coming over for the weekend and we intend to get wrecked - it helps me immensly to forget everything, even for a few hours. It's the first time in years that i've had company, i suffer with agoraphobia so i don't go out, and when Irene (Morrigan) came to visit - it was the first time i'd had company in..a very very long time. So Zoe is coming over and i'm strangely excited (mainly because it will be nice to see her but also because she is bringing..er..illegal drugs which i shall be wrecked on) so it's keeping me going right now.
I've had about 2 hours sleep, my sleep is really messed up again and i can't handle going without sleep, i got into a routine of sleeping for about 5-6 hours each night, but now..nothing. I was madly cleaning at 5.30am this morning and have barely started tidying my room, i'm wondering where i'm getting this energy from..although now i feel so damn drained.
