Aww, I miss y'all SO much :( Wish I could afford internet access. However, I am trying to find time to go to the library each day now and spend a little time so hopefully I'll talk to y'all a bit more. Right now, though, I need a nap *grumbles about not having one of her meds*
*leaves a box of cuddles for everyone* It never runs out so...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Mmm, going on two weeks without my Zoloft (ran out) and things aren't going all that well. Hoping it won't be long before I get some more but I had to send in some paperwork to the manufactureres and what not (trying to get it for nothing) and now I've just got to wait and see. Doesn't help that I was starting to feel less than steller before I ran out but... *shrug*
Shoot me an email and let me know how y'all are doing (hiding_from_theworld@hotmail.com) that's probably the easiest way to get ahold of me.... and I'd love to know what's going on with y'all but I suck atm and really don't have it in me to read through threads right now so stupid
Love you guys!
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*hugs back*
Thanks, I hope I get some more soon as well
Ugh, took an OD of Tylenol (active ingredient:Acetaminophen... hey, is this even allowed as long as I don't say how much I took?) yesterday and am not feeling all that great. Looked at Acetaminophen poisioning symptoms and not really experiencing any of those... what I'm feeling lines up more with withdrawals from my meds ... but some of the symptoms over lap...
*sigh* Sorry, don't know why I'm writing this, it's not like I'm going to do anything about it... guess I just wanted to have someone to tell...
*hugs all*
Love you guys, miss you lots, maybe one day I'll be useful again
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Lord, it's been two and a half months since my last SI and all I want to do is go out and buy some blades... I don't want to use them... I mean, I DO, I want to hurt, I want to see the blood... but I don't want the scars, I've got too many already... I just want to have the OPTION, you know? But I'm afraid if I have them I'll actually use them... I don't want to cut, I don't want to burn because I don't want more scars, I'm so ashamed of the ones I have I don't want any more... But lord, I want to cut, I want to bleed... I feel SO awful
I'm sorry I've not been on supporting any one and now here I am b*tching at y'all, crying and feeling sorry for myself...
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*jumps on Allie* I am so so happy to see you (well...you get what I mean)! And very very proud of you sweet heart!!!!! I know it is hard but if you have the blades you are just tempting fate and you are doing amazingly!
What's happened to make you want to SI now? *squishes*
Ah, I've wanted to SI for a long time now, things just got worse. I'm going on something like a month and a half, two months (I lost track) without one of my meds, and my grandpa died a week ago today. I've been home for almost a week and I feel like my head is going to explode when folks tell me to do something, ask me to do something,talk too much, talk about how tired my sister is cause she's got two kids (that I have been doing the most for as far as care goes)... Basically I'm selfish *shrug*
First, a pair of slacks.
A sweater.
Black.
A long string of (fake) pearls.
Earrings, 5. All pearls? No, the roses, he’ll like the roses.
A pair of black flats.
All went in to the suite case.
The rose earrings. I bought those a few years ago. $14 for one pair of earrings! But I couldn’t leave them. Time and again I saw them and loved them.
The slacks. I bought those my freshman year at University. One of the local stores was leaving town and so having a sale. And after all, a pair of black slacks can be a very useful item.
The sweater, pearl necklace and earrings, and flats. Those I bought last December to wear to my cousins funeral.
As I folded my sweater and placed it carefully on top of my slacks (which were already in the suit case) I paused to feel something, though what it was I am not sure. Placing the pearls and earrings on top created a somber picture (though rather artistic, in a way). I wore this outfit less than a year ago, totally unaware that I would wear it again all too soon. Yet even as I packed I was unaware of just how soon ‘too soon’ really was.
I was packing to go home the next morning. To see him at least once more.
Some thirteen hours later I got a call. A message from my sister. “Call me when you can” or “Call me when you want” I can’t remember which. But I knew then. I’d go back to sleep and call her when I got up. After all, there was nothing I could do now. Two minutes later. Another call. A breathless voice. My dad. “L_____, he’s passed”.
He wasn’t supposed to die from it. People live for years with this leukemia without even knowing they have it and then live years more. “You’ll die with leukemia, you wont die from it”. It was supposed to be easy to treat. Some sort of oral chemo. But his white count wouldn’t stay down (and it was astronomical). They thought they’d try some IV chemo. But there was some sort of fluid build up. They wanted to wait it out.
Yesterday he was sitting up in bed, sharing a roast beef sandwich with Grandma. This morning he was dead.
The last time I saw my Grandpa was in June at my graduation from University. His voice was a little husky as my dad took our picture. He almost cried (and for Grandpa that is no small thing). He was proud of me. It’s a good memory.
And I’d trade it in an instant, if only I could have seen him one more time.
(written 10/24/2008)
Anyway thanks you two, love you both SO much *cuddles*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I am so sorry for your loss. I know that you are having a rough time right now and hope that you will stick with us. We are here to support as best we can
*cuddles* i love you so much honey. I am SO sorry things are so hard for you. I wish I could pick you up and hold you. *cuddles you tightly* I hate being so far away. I'm thinking of you sweetheart. love you lots and lots.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Feel SO awful atm, I can't stand it. Y'all will be proud of me I have had blades since Friday and have not used them. I'd like to, but I have not. Oh, and finally got some more of my Zoloft so working my way back on to that... hoping it makes things better eventually... I know realistically I can not expect it to be instantanious but... *shrug* I can eagerly await the day that I may feel better
Love you all, sorry I'm not good for anything at the moment
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I AM REALLY really proud of you for not using them Allie, seriously *hugs you*. You're right, you can't expect it to be instantanious but the fact you are back on them is a huge step in the right direction and I am glad you can see that that day WILL come. I can't wait for it to come for you either hun. *squishes* Will be on MSN later if you want to chat xxxx
so stupid
