I did the whole meal thing at dinner and now I'm outside and freaking out and i didn't want the fortisip because it's all waay too much and i shouldn't have to have it as well as food because it's really unfair and the sandwich had cheese and i love cheese and the dietician won't be here to change anything until Monday so I'm stuck with this shit all weekend!!!!
I'm back to kind of wanting to run away and/or die
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
You are really tryin with meal plan and that ought to count for something. Try not to put oo much pressure on yourself and just eat as much as you can.
Is you rmn there with you in outside freak out and are they in anyway helpful?
You can do this. It's your ED talking and getting overwhelmed by the change. You Beckie can stay there and get through this
I really am trying. I want the tube out and i want to go home.
Rmn was not overly helpful.
She did know. I ended up running up the stairs back to the ward. I'm on the top floor.
She was dying by the 3rd, so i agreed to get the lift from there, because she was very out of breath.
I am not proud of myself for that.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Well done on the food today :) I know it must feel almost impossible but try to remember that the dietitian knows what she's doing. The decision about how much you need was made by experts.
Maybe try not to take the stairs when you go for air? Your body needs a break. Running up them is doing you no favours. I know it's hard, so best to avoid the temptation maybe
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Thank you.
It feels like far too much honestly. Especially as I'm not even small (i know that doesn't really matter)
It also feels like they made the plan thinking i wasn't going to comply. But then, if they thought there was a chance i would, I'm sure they would have written not to give me fortisip if i had a full meal.
I just feel full and heavy.
I need to not to. I know.
But all I've done for 8 days is sit, apart from a minimal amount of walking. Which was fine pre-eating (not fine but ykwim) but now i can't just sit here.
And now the idea is in my head, and the stairs are right there near the entrance, it's hard to resist.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
It's a horrible feeling, but it will get better as your body gets used to consistent eating. I can't speak for the experience of the tube but I do remember being convinced that I was being required to consume way more than any human should. I promise it gets better.
Can you mention the urge to abuse your proximity to stairs to your 1:1/the staff? Try to put things in place that will help when the temptation feels too much, because you're supposed to be resting and 8 or so days of taking it easy is nothing compared to the damage the ED has done to your body - remember what they told you about muscle breakdown showing up in your blood tests?
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I could. But then that would mean i wouldn't be allowed to do it.
We walked downstairs today but got the lift back up. Mainly because i was carrying drinks.
Yeah muscle breakdown is no good.
I want to get some boiled sweets today to see if it helps my throat.
Felt like i was swallowing blades last night. Was literally crying.
It's not AS bad today. But pretty sure it shouldn't be this sore.
Worried about boiled sweet consumption, but i think the shop only sells sugar free ones anyway?
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Saw your RV and wanted to say tha tif you can ask about feeds it would be a good idea. If they miss feeds today it might take longer before they are prepared to take the tube out. If dietician prescribed a minimum of x feeds for example
Nurse must have sensed the vibes and came and did it.
Apparently they have to top it up if i don't follow the plan, and it's a smaller feed when i do. So that's kind of reassuring tbh.
Saw PLS and she asked me if failing at meal plan this morning was me 'throwing my toys out of the pram'. Rather annoyed about that. She seemed to accept that it was me genuinely finding it difficult. But still a rather annoying opinion from her
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
That sounds very reassuring and good to know how it works.
That is just ridiculous. No tact at all and very ignorant. ou literally have an ED. You are not magically going to succeed at your meal plan every meal just because if not you won't get home / they give you a tube feed. If eating was that simple you wouldn't have needed up needing treatment in general hospital and ED therapy wouldn't need to be a thing.
I know you want to change but are finding it really hard. I am sorry you got an idiot this morning. And I want to say well done for how hard you are trying.
Yeah. Quite upsetting really.
I also said i was worried I'd end up in a psych ward when I'm medically fit, she assumed I meant ED unit and asked why i didn't think i needed to be in one!
I clarified i meant normal psych, and she asked why i didn't need to be in one. I said they are very unhelpful for EDs, and she agreed with that at least.
Lunch has gone weird.
It's a weekend so not normal menu. So they just brought round random hot meals. They're going to look for a sandwich for me.
Panic
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Hopefully they will find a sandwich. In my experience there are nearly always sandwiches everywhere in hospitlal. If they don't have a sandwich could you try asking for toast instead? Not same as meal plan but wards always have toast and it's closer than a hot meal for your comfort levels.
Yeah, but it's the weekend! Menus go topsy turvy on weekends.
I did get a sandwich. Only one they had was cheese. Kind of an issue.
But at least it's a sandwich
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
Huh don't tend to at my local hospital but YMMV. It's the same tick boxes the day before thing. And there is always a sandwich option, a jacket potato option and at lunch there is usually a salad. Plus a meat main, a fish main and a veggie main.
Yeah, that's how it is during the week apparently.
Its been a very long time since I've had a long IP stay in a general hospital on a proper ward, not AAU or short stay. And never in this hospital. So it's different.
It doesn't sound like an issue, because i absolutely love cheese, but that's the problem i have with it.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I think I understand, does it worry the ED part of your Brain that because you love cheese you won't be able to control how much of it you eat / will eat 'too much'?
The inverted commas around too much is because while it may feel too much too your ED brain a cheese sandwich isn't going to be too much.
