Scared out of control and planning to run away

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Katy I'm trying too! I've been in floods of tears today because everything feels miles away and I'm still trying to finish what I couldn't at uni it made me realise what I've got to do to get back there. I just hope I can get an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. Thanks the kidney infection and the temperature are gone but I still have slight chest infection lottybear . Just feel scared fat drained and like I could sleep for England xx

[lottybear]

Hello I'm sorry your still poorly. If you have got a chest infection you really do need to keep eating and keeP your fluid intake up. You need to concentrate on getting over your chest infection. Ps and sleeping loads is normal. Really hope you feel better soon.
Lotty xxx

[offlineforever]

I hope you can get an appointment tomorrow.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks both of you. The eating disorders psychiatrist said she wanted to see me after my outpatient sessions finished which is now. I have been asking for weeks, I asked three different people who all claim to have emailed her but only found out on Thursday she has been on annual leave and nobody said! I don't care how long I have to wait as long as I get an appointment I know I'm being fat and selfish and I'm not a priority as I'm so much fatter than those who are dying but it's making me so anxious. Sorry to moan on guys xx

[offlineforever]

Jess, you are not fat. You are getting really ill due to the lack of nutrients in your body. Which to me suggests your body is struggling to cope.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks Katy I feel such a fat fraud I saw the endocrinologist today and my neutrophil count had fallen below 1 which puts in the red alert . My mum contacted eating disorders to inform them I'm scared it might be alarmist and I don't want to waste people's time as it is probably just the chest and kidney infection my body is attempting to recover from. Hoping eating disorders aren't angry for time wasting! Sorry my heads a mess xx

[Gone.]

If you are on red alert, Jess, that's not time-wasting, it means that you need help and nobody's going to be angry at you. Try to continue to engage. I hope that you can get an appointment with the psychiatrist.

[Uglyducklin]

Hi belle I'm scared now the eating disorders doctor called back and initially said he wanted me in hospital but mum said as I don't have a temperature she didn't want to expose me to more infections. I have to go for urgent physical observations tomorrow and he will speak to Ulrike Schmidt about an appointment and they may even discuss admission ! I'm terrified because I'm so fat and someone else might die because of me. Sorry I'm waffling I'm so sorry. Xx

[offlineforever]

Jess, it really does sound like you need to be in hospital, your body is struggling to fight. Remember they are trying to help you recover, they want to do what is best for keeping you alive, it sounds like they feel admission is the only way to help you beat this ED.

Hope it goes well tomorrow.

[Gone.]

No one will die because of you. That's irrational. Think about it.

I think that it sounds as though you do need to be in hospital, Jess, and I'm glad that your team are doing something for you. Good luck tomorrow and keep us updated.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks guys I will. Absolutely torn up with guilt over what I've had. I want to tear myself apart. I should of had nothing but I was wrong and they will want to weigh me I'm so ashamed. I need to hurt myself. I can get nothing right . I'm so sorry xx

[Pops.]

Hope that it goes as okay as it can do today, Jess. xxx

[[LittleMonster]]

Hope it goes okay.
Maybe you need to be admitted xx

[Uglyducklin]

Hi guys thank you all. I've been told I need my bloods taken twice a week for this week and next week to see if there is an improvement if not I may need more treatment. I can't stop sleeping and I feel enormous and like everyone hates me! I'm so pathetic and fat. X

[raspberry_swirl]

I think you should do an admission if one is available. It doesn't matter if you think you're the "fattest person there" or whatever just don't keep in contact with them after you leave, you'll never see any of the patients again that way so it doesn't matter.

as far as general hospital goes, i actually caught pneumonia on one of my admissions so i can understand why your mum didnt want you in there, although i think you should have listened to the doctor not her, but an eating disorders admission is totally different anyway.

it makes sense rather than carrying on like this.

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks raspberry swirl I wasn't offered an inpatient eating disorders admission yet in fact I still haven't heard from the psychiatrist. I think eating disorders want to be guided by the haematologist. I will tell whoever I see on Friday how ill I feel. Thanks so much for your support raspberry swirl xx

[OceanBlues]

Thinking of you, please do take care hun. sorry i'm low on words.

xo

[Uglyducklin]

I am a fat horrible person my friend who is due to be admitted on Monday contacted me saying she is suicidal and going to end it so contacted the unit they are trying to reach her. Her phone is switched off I want her to be safe but I'm also scared she will hate me. I'm so disgusting I don't deserve to breathe. I'm so sorry xx

[Pops.]

Jess, you're not a horrible person for doing that. And also, fat isn't an emotion either. It sounds like you did the right thing for your friend.

Sorry that you are giving yourself such a hard time because of it. There's no need. You were doing what lots of other people would do if placed in a similar situation. Hope you're okay x

[Uglyducklin]

I'm fat grotesque and disgusting. I broke rules after two weeks and now I can't punish myself enough. I get weighed on Tuesday! I want this to end but I don't know how to make it stop. I'm so sorry xx