I just thought I'd mention that it was the one year anniversary of the rape of a close friend of mine a few days ago and, although it was a very difficult day for her, she ultimately got through it in one piece. I don't know if that helps you at all Jodie, but I thought it was worth mentioning and worth keeping in mind that you can get through this.
Jodie, you are a beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and sweet person. (I enjoy our doodling in the evenings ;) Though I apologise for my lack of artistic ability :P ). I really really can relate so much to what you are going through and feeling, and I don't really have advice on how to deal with it, but you are not alone. And for what it is worth from where I am and certainly more so from those who know and love you (in person) you do NOT deserve to feel so awful, to suffer, and to be hurting so damn much. You deserve sleep, your meds, food, LIFE. You CAN get through this. It is hard and damnedly unforgiving at times - but in the end it will be worth it - because all the good times you do manage to have, all the things you have always dreamed of, all of it and YOU, will be worth it.
Don't give up.
Also apologies - some snail mail is on it's way to you - it is delayed for some lacking artistic abilitied reasons.
Jenna, I have PM'd you. I didn't know if replying in full here was appropriate. <3 Hope you are taking care of YOU also? xx
Jodie, I love you ever so much, and I loved getting to talk to you last night. :) I don't know all the right things to say, but I know that Jenna also loves you ever so much. Let her in, let her help. You are going to be a great adventurer, yes? Which is an incredible thing, but for that you need your physical strength. You deserve so much. You are so amazing. Please don't ever give up. <3
Jodie love, I don't really have the words right now, but I'll pop in a bit later when I'm a bit more awake. Just know that I very much love and care about you and I'm sorry I haven't been there as much as I should have.
Hang in there, beautiful. You deserve so much better than this <3
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
In answer to your question lio, not so good I think. Though she's not really vocalising it so much, so I have to resort to ALL the stalking.
I'm trying to just make things nice and safe and calm. We're going to do ALL the revision today, then tomorrow we're going to do my food shopping [sometimes my own life is just to thrilling to be experienced alone] then watch Jodie's favourite film and eat party rings.
Jodie, I don't know what to say? Right now i don't thing anything will change how you feel about yourself and the world, so maybe just for a few days I'll quit trying to change your mind about things and just sit with you where you're at, so at least you're not facing the darkness alone.
I haven't been replying to this because I don't feel I deserve your support. But I still appreciate everything.
I keep trying to tell myself it's over. But then the overwhelming thought returns: it's never over.
I keep thinking about the OD I should have taken yesterday. The numbers. The dose. The medication. Cutting wasn't enough to appease things. Things are falling apart for important people and it's all my fault.
I'm trying to take on board what you're saying, honestly.
The Nepal trip people made me pull out because I'm 'too unstable'. Which is bull. I'm fine. But now I have nothing to keep trying for. It was the only thing keeping my weight up and the only reason I wasn't throwing myself completely down the cracks. Tomorrow, I plan to tell my care coordinator that I don't want to go to her anymore. There's no point even if I did feel able to engage because we don't do anything bar talk about the same things and the same answers.
I'll tell her I 'dissociated' in a work meeting and left to cut my arm up and she'll go, 'oh dear'. I'll tell her I fell faint in the store today and she'll say, 'that's not good'. And it's annoying me a lot that people have help and abuse it/don't use it. I can't keep hearing the same replies and getting no advice for making things better. If I could do it, I would have. I've tried all my options that's why I went for help in the first place. I'm done. I'm tired. I don't care anymore.
Last edited by Bellatrix : 18-04-2012 at 11:50 PM.
Jodie, I'm so sorry that I don't have much constructive to say but I think it is a really good thing that you got through the last month or so. You are stronger than you think and you can carry on the fight.
I really hope I get to see more of you when I'm back in England.
Please keep trying xxx
Always seem to get things just that little bit wrong.
"don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart"
Maybe first tell you care co why you don't think it is working. Tell her that she never gives advice or finds the help you need. She may think she is giving you what you want tell her she is not she might change.
Sending love x
The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.
Call me Kate.
I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.
Jodie, you may not care right now, but an awful lot of people really do care about you. I agree with Ballerinabetty, if you're going to ask to leave, you might as well tell her exactly why and what you think about her. It might give her a bit of a kick up the arse. I'm so sorry things are going so, so wrong for you. You don't deserve this shit, you really don't.
I promise you I know how hard it is to keep trying, to keep getting up every day to face world even when you really, genuinely just want to die. But an awful lot of people understand that. And you need to think about what would happen if someone you really cared about just stopped trying. Because if you stopped trying, that would practically destroy a lot of people; despite the fact you may think you're not worth caring about and that everyone would just 'get over it'. Not that easy, love.
I'm sorry that I sound so harsh, I really am, but I want you to keep trying. Everyone wants you to keep trying until one day you get it. It will happen for you. You will get there. It will be fucking hard and you'll want to give up A LOT. It won't seem worth it right now. But if you can't try for yourself, try for the people who have kept you going for this long. They're not going anywhere, I can guarantee that. Trust me, I am wise.
Just keep fighting, Jodie. It actually makes me angry and sad to think of how hard it is for you. If I could take what's in your head out of it and punch it square in the face, I would. Sad thing is, you have to do it. We can only be here externally, all the internal stuff is down to you. Terrifying, yes. Of course it is. But you are strong enough. And you have friends some people could only dream of, you can't argue with that. Lean on them when you have to. And I am only a PM/phone call/text away if you need anything.
Have some Nic love <3 And I'm sorry for rambling :)
I'm gonna tap him like a maple tree. I'm gonna search him for some syrups. I'm gonna be having sex with him.
I want you to keep trying, too, Jodie. I care about you very much and you so deserve to get better. As I said on Facebook, not being able to go to Nepal must have hit you hard and it can feel like there is no point in going on... but there IS. There is life past this, I promise you. I got banned from a trip abroad due to being unstable and I am still here, so you can be, too.
You're such a wonderful person, I hate you see you hurting like this <3.
Maybe first tell you care co why you don't think it is working.
I went and was honest And freaked her out a bit and she asked if I needed to go into the crisis house.
They're upping all my meds. And she went to get the consultant psych dude who I have never met before to come talk to me and he started talking about OCD and magical thinking. I don't want more letters and I don't really want more quetiapine. But that's not being increased yet as they're doing the fluoxetine first.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Left Phalange
I promise you I know how hard it is to keep trying, to keep getting up every day to face world even when you really, genuinely just want to die. But an awful lot of people understand that. And you need to think about what would happen if someone you really cared about just stopped trying. Because if you stopped trying, that would practically destroy a lot of people; despite the fact you may think you're not worth caring about and that everyone would just 'get over it'. Not that easy, love.
Just keep fighting, Jodie. It actually makes me angry and sad to think of how hard it is for you. If I could take what's in your head out of it and punch it square in the face, I would. Sad thing is, you have to do it. We can only be here externally, all the internal stuff is down to you. Terrifying, yes. Of course it is. But you are strong enough. And you have friends some people could only dream of, you can't argue with that. Lean on them when you have to. And I am only a PM/phone call/text away if you need anything.
Thank you love, that's means a lot. Wasn't harsh at all, it was really sweet. I don't feel very strong but I always try.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shine.
There is life past this, I promise you.
<3. For you, too.
I feel very I'll right now. I have all the pain and sickness. Icky.
*cuddles*
I hope that you begin to feel a little bit brighter soon. Have you taken the appropriate medications?
Hopefully this weekend will be a distraction for you - though take it easy!
<3
