if you tell your psych and people bout whats really happeneing... you then can prove to em you can be stable and safe cause you you tell em youll get more helpful help which should help... then you can be more stable and safe.
youve been keeping it to yourself and us and youre not feeling as if youre geetting better... maybe need tell someone irl who can help. anything they do will only be out of best interest. maybe tell em and then explain how youre doing the best and giving so much effort to be safe and stuff sqo they know youre tryin.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Maybe you're right Libz. I'll try to print off that post and show it to them. I'm kind of scared but I know I need to do it to get better in any way, shape or form.
I just feel so damn alone and I'm sick of it. There are certain people who said they'd be with me through all of this - who'd stand by me as long as I got help. Now, I'm stuck in the middle of this so called 'help' and they're no where to be seen.
I know it's ultimately down to me so I shouldn't be complaining that they're not helping me...but none of this is worth it if they're not around for me to do it for. I'm not doing this for me...I'm really not. It's all for them. I'm getting better for them. I'm getting better so I can work and I'll have money again. So I'm not letting work down. I'm getting better so I don't have to worry them. So they don't have to keep visiting me in hospital. I'm just losing the will to actually better myself - Ad's gone now and I'm not sure how, if ever, we'll be able to work it out. None of my friends in real life care about me. None of them want to know me now...maybe I've finally pushed them too far. Maybe my most recent attempt has finally severed all ties. Maybe it's gone too far now. I don't know.
I feel like I'm stuck and nothing's gonna change any more.
x Katie x
About your friends...If they are not with you then that is THEIR loos and THEIR fault. True friends stick with us no matter what. You are an AMAZING person and it is not your fault. If tthey dont wanna help you any more then that is their choice. But know what? We are here for you no matter what! :) We are or can be your friends. I know Im here for you no matter what and Im sure Roli is to.
As for getting better... As long as you have a reason I dont think it matters the reason. If its for you or if its for someone or something else it is all a reason. Its what you want though. You dont want to worry others, you want to be better, you want money, you want to go to work, you want help. Right?
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
I can't do this now. I can't keep up with this fight. It's too hard to keep going through this to end up in the same place. To keep fighting to end up back in this black hole. I can't keep fooling myself into thinking everything's gonna get better and that everything's gonna be okay. It's not. I'm not. None of this is. None of this is gonna bring any of them back and none of it's going to undo what's been done. I'm just so tired of it all.
x Katie x
If ya give someone the note then they will try to help ya more. could be what changes things for better. can help you and then no pretending needed and things wil be better and maybe your friends will come back. dont give up please. hard to see a positive outcome amidst the struggles but you can do this. i promise. and we are all here for you. every step of the wa.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Cant even process enough to think or tye properly.
Don't thin I can do these ppointments tomorro.
Too much.
Cant bring friensd back - mean th ones whove dies.
They all gone n cant brng back.
>.<
I believe you can do the appointments. me and ducky will be thinking of you and cheering you on.
I know you cant bring your friends back but they are still there in your heart.
sorry not got many words but pm whenever ok?
Thanks Jen [and Ducky].
Just had my GP appointment - didn't really admit anything to him because he just wants to check in with me - think it'd be more use to tell my Psych. If I opened up this morning to my GP I know I'd be in a worse state this afternoon. Anyway; also spoke to him about work. He said that if requested from them he'd write to them to advise that a phased return would be more positive to me than being signed off any longer. He gave me another sick note for four weeks but said he will sign off saying I'm fit for work as soon as my employer said so.
I've now also got an appointment at the police station this afternoon to talk about my ex and the texts and stuff so hopefully they can put something in place to get rid of him - or at least scare him off.
Blah. Feeling like crap.
x Katie x
*Hugs so tight*
Well done honey- your doing great. Keep positive.
I really hope you can tell your psych about things.
With you all the way hun- keep fighting.
xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Not feeling very positive. Feel somewhat like my brain has been put in a blender...and not even been to my psych appointment yet.
Katie - I'm just struggling seeing a future where I might meet new people =/
I just feel like there's something that's snapped inside me...or something's been rewired incorrectly. I dunno it's hard to explain.
I'm trying to be positive about the work thing...but now I've finally got them to listen to me...I'm doubting whether I'm ready. Gah. I think I am. I think it's gonna help. The thing is; it's either gonna help me recover...or it's gonna send me completely off the rails. There's no happy medium. There's no...it's gonna help a bit or it's gonna make things a little worse. It's literally it's gonna make or break me...but I already feel broken so I'm not sure what the next stage would be.
Still trying to make my brain co-operate with me for my psych appointment which I've got to leave for in about half an hour. I don't know whether it'll happen or not. Went for a walk today - walked to the hospital and back for my appointment - all in all about 5 miles. Made me feel better...not sure whether it's just because it's killed my knees and the pain felt good or whether it was being outside etc. Dunno. Head hurts now though. Weird hurt. Like...broken hurt not usual headache. Hurt like when I need to do something.
Gah. Must get ready for appointment.
x Katie x
Thank you both for the replies.
Sorry it's taken me a while to update. Brain's not really working well right now.
GP appointment went relatively okay - just a general check up after the hospital last month and such. Mainly spoke to him about work and he's happy to sign me back as soon as my employer has written to him and my Psych.
Had a diabetic clinic appointment at lunchtime showing me about this now meter which is meant to help me with my control. It should make life easier so that when my mood takes a hit hopefully my diabetes control doesn't go completely out the window. It is meant to make things better anyway...we'll see.
Went to the police station this afternoon to tell them about my ex and the threats/texts etc. Didn't really say much more than I already knew. Told me to save any texts/contact he makes, contact my phone provider to block his number if they can, change my number when I change my contract next month and remove anything personal off the internet - number/address or whatever. Not that there's anything on there but still. They also said to think about getting a restraining order against him too - I don't know though.
Psych appointment - discussed anxiety - told him it was pretty high right now. Discussed reasons behind OD last month. Discussed being off work - said he'd write a report when requested and would advise that I return to work as it would help my recovery - he said he'd never have agreed I get signed off in the first place. Talked about DBT and he said it was good it was helping. He wants to refer me to the psychotherapy [but there can be a wait of up to 4 months] but he's hoping I'll be seen sooner. He wants me to go into one to one therapy and therapy for the abuse. He is also going to see if I can continue onto the second module of the DBT because technically I was only meant to be on this one [distress tolerance] but the next one is emotional regulation which he thinks might also be helpful. He said he wanted to see how committed I was to recovery before he did any of this though - but he said he can see I am. He also prescribed me some Diazepam for use when I'm in a crisis situation and none of the DBT stuff has worked to relax me and bring me down a little.
Kind of feels positive - but only a little. I still don't know what to do and I don't know where I'm meant to be now.
x Katie x
Last edited by Heaven Knows : 09-01-2012 at 11:55 PM.
Be wise with your new meds. I tried those drugs and when I would take too much it made me very suicidal and willing to do anything. Disinhibited. But if you take your prescribed dose you're good.
Glad some positive came of today. Please keep trying and don't give up. In it together. You are a real angel to so many, and to me.
He is only prescribing me a certain amount - and my GP won't prescribe any more it's only my psych who will. I have to speak to him directly to get any more so he's keeping very close tabs on it. Thank you though Rachel, I'll keep it in mind <3
x Katie x
Why do the thoughts always come so strong at night. All my medication is meant to be stopping this...so why isn't it? He said the good days would get more frequent...I haven't had a good day in so long. Who am I really kidding? Therapy? Medication? No...it'll never stop me being the person I am. Who hurts and kills people. No; it's still me. So even when gone through it's still me. Still gonna hurt people. I wish I could believe everything I'm trying to say to people - I don't though. HE's gonna end up getting me...and why? because I am too afraid to take out the restraining order on HIM. If I did maybe it'd stop him...or maybe it'd just make him more determined. Am I really strong enough to bring all this up in therapy? Probably not. I'm weak and I hate myself for it.
*holds so so tightly*
Your not weak hun.
I really hope you can find the strength you need, you can have mine to help *sends strength*
Yiur none of those things love, your not. Your not a bad person, you dont hurt or kill people. Your lovely and amazing. I might be an idiot- but I am a good judge of charachter.
xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
i think that lots of us feel worse at night. if i'm feeling really bad, theres like a 75% chance its right before or after i go to bed... thing is, if i can get myself to sleep, i'm generally feeling much better in the morning. which i actually prefer to feeling bad in the morning and then having to deal with the rest of the day. (thats just my personal opinion though, it might be totally different for you)...
what would help you work up the courage to go through with the restraining order?
you don't just hurt and kill people *hugs* i highly highly highly doubt you've killed anyone. and everyone hurts the people that they care about at times. thats normal. don't see yourself as a monster for that. i bet that you give them plenty of good feelings as well.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I'm afraid I don't know you. I'm sorry about that.
I'd love to get a chance to.
Please, please, know that you are strong.
All of us, we're stronger than we realise.
I don't know your circumstances. But I know that every single person on this site is stronger than anyone who hasn't had a problem ever. Because we have lived through things, all kind of horrible things, that would have broken, that have broken, weaker people.
I lost one of my best friends last year from mental issues. And I swore that I would do anything I could to stop another girl, another friend, another family, going through the pain I felt at losing her.
You're strong. You're still fighting.
PM me anytime. Please. I might not be able to help much, but I'm here.
Please. Please keep fighting.
Katie xxx
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
