DBT - I am freaking out!!!!

[lozza]

I almost did something last night but fell asleep exhausted instead with my piggie.. lol he woke me at 4am and I thought he was in his cage with his bud but no he was on my bedroom floor scampering about.

I am seeing my gp soon then its off to melb for DBT

I do have some good news though... on sunday J my old d&a worker is working:D so really trying to hold on to that right now

feel really scared

[Snow White.]

*sits with you*

Hold onto that hope love, please don't give up. I'm sorry I've not been up to messaging but I've been thinking of you often and wondering how you're going, I'm glad you've been updating here. Please please try and stay safe. How did the gp go?

xxx

[lozza]

fell asleep dreaming about what I have to do tonight. feeling nothing. feeling free and numb and distant. there will be no worker to know till tomorrow afternoon by which time it will hopefully be too late. I dont wana do it to N (she is the worker who will be on) but if I had to choose between N and J, I cannot face J finding me, not after how long I have known her and how amazing she has been.

my boys i will tire out this afternoon after work... I cant have them calling out to me trying to get me to fight to come back.

I tried telling Y these plans yesterday... she didnt even listen or let me get the words out, she just walked me out. Tried telling T but we ran out of time due to doing wrap around care. I tried telling B and she told me i had to tell someone face to face but I cant anymore. she is too strong.

sorry. there is just nothing left in me right now. I had to fight myself to turn the corners as i was driving home last night so I didnt crash into anything. then driving past the train tracks.. I almost stopped, just needing to be hit by the last train of the night.

sorry. trying. just dont want to anymore.

[Snow White.]

Lozza.

What are you doing tonight? What have you got planned? Whatever it is it's scaring me and as such I think we need to work on a safety plan for tonight. Is there anyone you can tell these plans to? Anyone who can keep you busy tonight?

Please please, stay safe.
xxxxxxx

[lozza]

I'm sorry aimee. I'm sorry isabelle.

at work I kept looking at the clock willing it to hurry up and be 1pm already. before work I had to go to the pet shop to get hay for the boys. C was working and we spoke a bit and she asked how the boys were. I told her about munchkin and she said that he could have mites but that seems unlikely cuz of his symptoms... I told her I would bring him in to show her early monday morning - thats good? right?? making plans for next week?

but the urge is so strong and even when I sit outside in the sun I dont feel anything. I tried doing some mindfulness before outside hoping it would slow the thoughts down, reduce the urges but it didnt:( tried doing some distress tolerence skills and self soothing too but nothing is helping and that leaves me feeling discouraged and like a failure.

4 more groups and I will finish this current module... and I may not even make it into the next module cuz its already full but I already told mum I was in it:s and I dont know if i can wait 12 weeks from end of sept to do the next one:s

I am really scared of saying what the plans are. stupid huh?
am trying to fight them but I dont know if I can anymore. just feel so little and small.

[Snow White.]

Making plans for next week is really good, well done hun. What have you got planned for tonight? Anything helpful, anyone you can ring if the urges get too strong? Maybe someone at khl?

*sits with*
I think when you're in such overwhelming emotions, mindfulness is going to be really tough, but any of the distress tolerance things you can do the better. Or grounding strategies to bring you into the present moment may help too.


Please keep posting tonight and keep us updated.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[dontwantyoutoknow]

Loz, please keep fighting. Please please please?

I love you loads. x

[lozza]

alive still. saw myself in the mirror before... fat fat FAT

I want to go for a drive along the coast. drive off a cliff
I dont see another way.

cant do anything now though... still alive so I should keep fighting for tomorrow. sunday night though, maybe then?

all I can think of are chances to leave this world. I cant fight it anymore. people keep saying how well I am going cuz i only let them see the good.
I make it up mostly. I lie

i hate me and who i am. its over.

[Snow White.]

Lozz, is this the time for you to contact one of the people supporting you and say that you are in a lot of danger? Earlier in this thread we discussed hospital and your mood doesn't appear to have shifted from then. Would it be accurate to say these thoughts are becoming more frequent and planned?

I wonder who you could tell about these thoughts now? I know it is a Saturday, but is there someone you could call?

Lozza, I am worried for you, and I want you to make it through this weekend. Even if you make an appointment with someone on Monday that might help get you through, and as can work on a strategy to help you through Sunday night. Would you be able to work on a list of things we can do to keep you safe over the weekend? And can you call someone today to discuss how you're feeling?

[shandy]

Yea i agree with snow and quiet, i think u need to make someone realise how serious this has become, get the help you deserve. plz

[dontwantyoutoknow]

Loz, please phone someone? xxxx

[lozza]

went out today and it was ok... but now I am hiding in my room even though the student on placement wants to meet my boys and I really wanna spend more time with j before she finishes at 7.30pm.
I really wana call someone but I cant bring myself to do it. I freak as soon as I see the number on my phone and I am about to hit call.

I dont know what I am going to do tonight (home alone again!) but at the moment my room feels safe. my room feels safe.

sorry for worrying everyone:(

[Snow White.]

I'm glad your room feels safe - so so glad. How are you doing today?
Am thinking of you.

<3
xxxxxxxx

[lozza]

I seriously dont know right now guys:(

on one hand I am so mad and angry cuz lester (one of the piggies I had to give away) is an actual dad now and I so would have liked to meet the litter before they were sold but once more andrew told me nothing... I didnt even know about the litter until this mornign when I took munchkin into see cassie. and there was only 3 girls left and oh I would have loved too take one of lesters boys home!!!

I also feel mad cuz Y told me this arvo that it pretty much doesnt matter how suicidal I am or feel... my pdoc prob wont put me in hospital...
I have mixed feelings about that cuz I know I am exhausted already and after thursday night and almost crashing my car.... just not sure how much more I can take...

if that makes any sense?

[dontwantyoutoknow]

I'm really worried. When was the last time any one heard from Lozza? :/

[Snow White.]

I'm so glad she's let people know how much she is struggling. Keep it up Lozza, we're all thinking of you xxxxxx

[arewethereyet]

I began DBT with an outpatient program and that lasted 6 months until I freaked out so bad, got high, SH'd and had a mental breakdown and wound up in the mental hospital again. From there I went to a residential DBT program where I lived at this house with other people 24/7 and during the week we were bussed to the center where for 8 hours a day we had groups all day long, one hour of which each day was totally dedicated to DBT... I have had a little over a year of DBT and it does take a while. I have been through all 4 modules (counting mindfulness as a module) 4 1/2 times. I have a lot of practice with it. It does help and I am better and living at home now. My life is far from perfect, but I am better... Anyway what I am trying to say is that I tried doing it outpatient but I needed more support because had I stayed living at home...well, I wouldn't have stayed living! I don't know if you have any programs like that in Australia. Residential is not like being inpatient in a hospital at all, I had a lot more freedom, but at the same time I was still pretty limited so it was much easier for me to stay safe there than at home. That and at the house we lived at there was a nurse and counsoler there on staff whenever we were there. Anyhow, it sounds like you need more support than you are currently getting. I hope there is someone there who can help you look into options for a higher level of care. Things do get better. It just takes time and a lot of hard work, it's not easy.

"Often the test of courage is not to die but to live."
~ Vittorio Alfieri, Oreste

[crazykat]

I'm glad you let people know that things are hard right now hun. Thinking of you xxx

[lozza]

sorry that I havnt been able to get on for a few days. I have just been so tired and exhausted and literally get up, shower, go to morning meeting if its a week day, clean the boys cage if it needs doing and then pretty much crash on my bed unable to move or do anything.

on tuesday arvo I tried calling N but I was told to call back again and again and the last time i tried I was told she had an emergency and to call back but I just gave up.

I tried calling B yesterday but was told to call back and when I did was told she wasnt able to take my call but to call N later that arvo. I did and finally got a hold of her and she got most things out of me and wanted to call T but I said no then she asked if I could msg her and I said I didnt know so that too was put in my safety plan and after I msgd her I had to call n back so that she knew I had done it.

just really struggling right now and I am exhausted and I have no idea how I will manage the drive to and from dbt (its a 2hr drive each way)
after almost crashing my car last week after group and the plan that is dead set in my mind I just dont know anything anymore.

B wants to 'catch up' with me tomorrow and she told me to call her at 4pm. T is worried... and that scares me.... her work phone was playing up last night so she ended up msging me back on her personal phone.

sorry for worrying everyone here. but it will be over soon and you wont have to worry anymore.

and arewethereyet, I dont know if we have somewhere like that in aust either but I am already in supported accomodation but it is not staffed 24/7 and they have been really understaffed lately so even less support.

I dont know anymore. I am here for now so lets just take it from there?

[crazykat]

Thinking of you, keep fighting you will get through this