*hugs Jen*
Super-glad that the exam went ok, and the counselling went well; I think establishing what you hope to get out of it is good, and I'm glad you did that.
And well done for booking a doctor appointment. Yay! Let me know how it goes.
Sorry to hear 'bout your ankle though, and lol at pegleg jen :p
ankle getting better.
doctor's appointment felt a bit of a waste of time, i was honest with her showed her some stuff but she seemed to sort of shrug it off and we didnt even get close to discussing what plan for future is. i mean we talked a bit but felt like she was glossing over the bad stuff ( what i managed to tell anywaydescribing the images well i can't on here it'd be tip sharing but they are rather graphic and i couldnt describe them to her.) my fault probably didnt tell enough she was running late and i didn't want to waste more time.
pfffft.
oh well i tried and i got more tablets wasnt sure what i really wanted out of appointment anyway.
i can always try again in couple of weeks. maybe when exams are over she'll take the fact i'm struggling more serious. (though i hope i'm not struggling as much by then). And can keep going to counselling for now (missing next week as tooo many exams) think maybe i'll stop before canada then see how it goes, now i'm not regularly in school its a bit of a way to go. but it helps and counsellor understands me ok now. descisions, descisions.
ugh, sorry the doctor seemed to just shrug things off- that sucks :( But I agree, maybe in a few weeks if things are still rough (which hoepfully they won't be!), she might be more helpful.
I'm glad that you feel the counsellor understands you now :)
Also, I've DEFS asked this before, but when are you going to Canada? I think I remember that it's to do with the Scouts-that-are-maybe-called-Explorers-when-they-are-older that you take part in...
was so positive tonight still am underneath.
but opening the box on a triggerring memory and now i'm crying.
supose it's good to get it out just so much emotion attached.
(note to self: talk to counsellor bout norfolk the night i came close to running away and grandad)
thanks anyone who bothers to read this i love you all xx
is ok.
still struggling through life in a higgledy piggely way.
too many exams right now 3 in a row ao living in sea of maths, physics and exhaustion.
when i do get my feeling its all confuzzled. hmmm.
*hits head to try and clear it*
see you guys around x
no didnt have counselling :(
Because i thought it would be too much because i have an exa, tomorrow as well and needed to come home and revise for that.
kind of wish i'd gone, maybe revised at school but i probably would have been so tired by then i wouldnt make much of a session.
dont worry jen, i understand forgetfulness and cba.
as of today only 2 a level exams left ever.
stats on wednesday and physics 5 on next monday then i am freeee :)
The following content has been hidden - Reason : norfolk/ thinking about deleting
errm norfolk is complicated. But i guess writing it out might help.
Basically I went on a geography trip to norfolk in year 12 (compulsory part of the course), a week or two after i was diagnosed with depression. When iwas not majorly stable trying to be secretive about it and still adjusting to my antidepressants so not great start to a week away from home.
trip was alright, bit cold but the work was ok and i was in a big dorm with a load of people i got on with. It was hard to get time alone though and you know how sometimes you need time by yourself to get your head straight. that and some idots kept setting off the fire alarms so firsst few nights didnt get very good sleep.
then on the thursday we got are as module results then went out to fieldwork. i was a bit annoyed at my results, looking back they werent bad AABBC but before then i'd been a straight A student.
so anyway waffling over with, the thursday evening I got reallly bad, I was tired and stressed and kind oif suicidal/ generally mixed up, felt like just running away. so i went up to our room cos i didnt want to be around people in the social areas and just sat in the corner by the window and my bed crying a bit and trying to get a grip. someone else came in asked how i was and i freaked. put my coat and shoes on and mumbled 'i'm going for a walk' then kind of legged it out into the grounds. where i hid and thought a bit about running off into the raod and seeing what happened. but i texted a friend who then called me and spoke to her for ages trying to get a grip. she calmed me down a bit and persuaded me not to do any bad stuff more. (i already self harmed a bit before i called her). then heard some people outside so decided to head back in. went back in and discovered everyone had been looking for me and i'd been missing almost two hours.
which triggered a kind of shit i dont want anyone knowing weird crying relapse. in end spent night in teachers room with my friend jenn. who was very good at the beggining of everything i just dont see her much these days.
on friday we went home and i was feeling a bit suicidal and desperate but got a grip on things. when i got home my mum told me my grandad had died on the monday before i left for norfolk. it floored me.
so sorry about that trying to explain ramble. first time io cmae near to actually killing myself/ running away and soo many emotions. so yeah.
Last edited by long road : 21-06-2011 at 09:46 PM.
no idea how i'm feeling very tired and a little unsteady.
Had dreams about harming last night which led to urges today.
but not bad.
well done for reading it all i read it back and it's a bit nonsensical.
*hugs Jen*
Don't worry, it made sense to me! Sorry you had a rough time, and that dreams are bothering you. Just try to remember that dreams aren't real, and they can't hurt you in real life. And what happened at norfolk is in the past. And the past can't hurt you either.
so right this minute i'm wide awke (accidentally switched off during day while reading at slept around 4 hours 2 til 6...) seriously where and when i sleep is fucked up.
i get ridicolously tired during day and give in by accident when i relax, yet at night sometimes i sleep ok but half the time it's either really fragmented or filled with vivid graphic dreams. and whether i have bad or good night doesnt match up with how much i've slept during day sometimes just switch off. so i'm pissed off bout that.
but worse i'm feeling kind of crazy. feeling hard wired, urgey, seeing bad things to do in my minds eye. thinking about them and now. wondering. wondering if when one of my main reasons to not self harm is gone (so my parents dont get told/ notice how bad stuff is / get worried) when i go to uni if i'll go back to it. Cos i have other reasons like you dont need to be punished, you'll feel bad afterwards, it dangerous you're doing well etc. but that one is the one that has stopped me going over the edge many times because it has made hurting myself badly almost 'not possible' as if i had to go to hospital it would be too complicated they'd notic ei'd gone, notice aftermath etc. i knid of think/ dream about it a bit. so can i be strong when i'm somewhere people dont know/ it's easier to hide?
weird midnight freakout maybe just with the images and thoughts flashing through my head i'm not feeling overly safe.
but i know i'm not going to kill myself right?
I know i might really want to but i won't. i got reasons to live.
a friend who only has my best interests at heart (one who took me to docs right at beginning) was persuading me to continue counselling at least til i go to uni said something. i said (in relation to suicide)' i really want to sometimes but i know i'm not going to.' she said ' you don't know that'.
4 little words that brung doubt back in my mind. i got really defensive and the thought of it upset me. only way i keep fighting this thoughts some days is to tell myself i couldnt do it to my family, i'm not going to do it. not positive stuff a bout my life just that now it feels like that certainty that i can keep going might not be there.
so yeah middle of the night fear, emotional ramble sorry
x
No need be sorry Silly. Rambles are good cause means getting stuff out thats needs to be out.
Those words... ignore them. She is just telling you the unforseeable. Things can chanfe. Example, at age five, would you see yourself in this predicament, no offense or to mean anything bad. Just things can change. But what matters most is you tring because means you havent given up and to get help when unsafe or 'too out of it.' She seems to care very much and Im glad you have her.
Maybe try and think of more reasons before you head off to UNI? Thinking of them now or before hand cause you dnt have the work right now and am sure you are bit less stressed cause no homework or school. Could help you sometime think of more reasons sometime to. PM me anytime if so. Or bout anything.
*Gives you hug*
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
*hugs*
Sorry you had a rough night; I hope you got some sleep in the end?
With the uni thing... yeah, my s-h did worsen when I went to uni, as I had the 'freedom' to do it, without anyone keeping an eye on me. However, in the end, I think it's kind of good, because it encourages you to stop for you, instead of doing it to please other people, which in the end, is never going to make you stop forever.
Uhh, I don't think I'm making any sense, so I might shut up now...
well first time i considered suicide i was 9 but i see what you mean libz, i never thought i'd end up here who knows what good stuff could happen.and although uni may make sh easier it will also make going to hospital slightly easier maybe if i end up in one of my feeeling really unsafe bits i could actually do what my discharge sheet suggested.. *whistles*.who knows. and you was makeing some sense jen.
bit better today. have dress for prom now. have yet to revise at all for physics exam on monday d'oh get your stupid act together idiot.
Hopefully things will get a bit easier once exams are over next week.
dont know. i'll get there. or try to.
yeah i should probably try and find better reasons not to than that method probaably wouldnt kill me and / or couldnt do that to the people i love. bit weak really but although my life's alright, with good bits i don't like myself, deep down still believing the bad stuff the derogrative comments and feeling a bit worthless and insignificant.
Bit better is better than nothing. What color is your pretty prom dress?
Youre not stupid Jen. Revise when youre either ready or can push yourself to do it and take breaks. Physics is good. You like that class?
Im sure things will get bit better cause stress and tiredness for revising and doing the exams will be over. *cheers you on*
Deep down... those things re wrong. But just because youre feeling worthless or insignificant, doesnt mean you are. You arent.
Have fun with the attempt and take breaks. :)
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Like Libz said, you're not stupid at all. Revision sucks, but you've got two whole days at the weekend to cover the topics and do some practise questions. But don't stress, and take lots of breaks :)
You're not weak, and I hope that going to uni helps you to see yourself a little differently, and that you learn to believe that you are a good person. You're very significant to many people, and hopefully you will be able to see that soon :)
Also, FREAKING EXCITED FOR GETTING TO MEET YOU FINALLY!
ahem, *turns off caps lock* :p
bother typed a reply then accidentally lost it.
Attempt2:
had evil hayfever headache but after a combo of medciation, painkillers and extra sleep i fought it off. and got almost 4 hours of revision done so pretty proud of myself :)
I know deep down stuff is wrong or kind of do, but knowing its worng and believing it's wrong are two different things. especially went voices are being active.
well doing ok now. spect after exams things wil level out, but not entirely sure things arent quite right yet.
thanks for reading, replying, cheering and being awesome xxx
erm help.
things been ok been to prom monday and awesome party yesterday but also had counselling yesterday. i'm scared. cried quite a bit last session cos its so close. just bit of a mess right now i guess.
tried ringing some friend but hung up before it been ringing enough for them to notice. know i want to get better but yesterday i admitted i dont know how.
