I'm trying to be honest with the staff, it's just so hard because I get yelled at every time I try to defy my ED. I need to be stronger, but I dont know how. I know you guys keep saying I'm strong but I just dont feel it.
Sometimes, you dont need to feel it, you just have to wait for it to make its appearance, you yourself dont feel it, but we can see it, its clear from the steps youve taken already, that proves how strong you are.
Its like the earth, its spinning so slowly, yet change happens quickly and often.
But because its moving so slowly, you cant see it happening.
Sometimes, you dont need to feel it, you just have to wait for it to make its appearance, you yourself dont feel it, but we can see it, its clear from the steps youve taken already, that proves how strong you are.
This.
Ally, the part of you that is telling you that you are disgusting is your ED. Believe me there is a life after EDs and I really hope that one day you get to experience that, but to do so you need to keep fighting. You know that EDs are terrible, awful, depressing liers. No matter what your ED says to you, you need to keep fighting. The only way to get through a mental illness is to fight and keep fighting and one day you will be happy.
The affirmations Jess posted are great, keep using them and if you're feeling bad, tell one of the hosp staff. We can support you too but the professionals do know better than us.
Soph, I dont believe that it's my ED telling me that, I think it's a fact. You haven't seen me lately. I'm disgusting, I can't even look anyone in the eye because I'm scared they will see what I really am. I can't look at myself in the mirror.
I wish I could believe that one day I will be happy I really do. Right now though all I see is blackness and pain.
I have the affirmations posted next to my bed, but I'm finding it really hard to believe or even say any of them.
And don't worry, I am talking to the nurses etc, it's just hard because we only have 1 nurse and they're usually busy. Thinking about writing my psych an email though.
I'm trying, I really am I just dont know if I want to anymore.
I'm trying, I really am I just dont know if I want to anymore.
Well do you want to get better? It's understandable that you will feel like giving up at times but if you really do want to get better then you know that you need to keep trying.
Yes I do want to get better, but my ED is putting up one hell of a fight and sometimes it gets overwhelming and I feel like I can't do it anymore.
I am still trying, I'm eating all my meals, talking to staff and haven't SI'd.
I just feel like I need a break from this, it's so intense.
It's ok to feel overwhelmed by it, that's what we're here for - to tell you that you can get through it and to keep chipping away at the ED until one day it's all gone. When it feels like it's getting too much maybe take a step back and re-evaluate, take smaller steps. You're not going to get better overnight but you can get better. I believe in you and so do a lot of others here.
My bathroom is always locked except when I ask for it to be open... they opened it for a shower this morning and havent locked it, and I haven't told them to lock it because I want to purge so so much. I wont have the opportunity to for an hour, but still the urge is SO strong.
Just trying to distract right now, it's kind of working but I still feel pretty lousy
Telling them to lock it again would be a good thing to do. Has anything worked when you have felt like purging the other times? Maybe you could try that again? Love you so much xx
im sorry to come into this thread so late and i kind of feel like im interfereing but ive just read all your thread and i really felt i had to post.i know you cant see it right now but woah your amazing i really mean that!
i think that because yes your struggling [and an awful lot at times] but you have stuck with it despite all the urges, despite feeling at times the need to die etc.And i just think thats amazing.
You could so easily have walked away but you didnt Ally and i believe your a fighter.
i hope you can manage not to purge now theyve left the bathroom door open [and im so sorry they did] but even if the worst did happen [and obviously i really really hope it doesnt and if it did that you would at least tell someone so it doesnt happen again] still think of how far youve come, how much youve fought.
Each moment, each second, each minute, each hour, each day you manage to defy your ED is a real success.
i dont have an ED.My problems are slightly different but you inspire me so much by how you are sticking with things and i believe you can come through the other side.
im sorry for the ramble, i know you dont really know me and my reply probably isnt much use but i just wanted to say i truely do think your amazing and we are all here to support you with this battle.i know you dont feel strong now maybe but you are and you will recover and hopefully one day you will be able to look back and see how strong you are too.
Sending you lots of best wishes and thinking of you.Just keep taking one day or a couple of hours or minutes even at a time and keep fighting.
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Andrea distraction and/or getting doped out helps, as well as not having the opportunity to do it.
My bathroom door is back to being locked, it was never supposed to be left open but sometimes they forget.
Thanks Loz, love you
Sleepless [I know your name but for the life of me cant remember it], thankyou for your reply it really helped. I just wish that I could see what you guys see in me. I had a really bad day today, had some leave and had to buy some clothes because most of mine dont fit me, and it devestated me what size I am and how I look in the mirror [I never look at myself in the mirror]. It sounds so superficial and stupid but it really upset me.
I also went to see my horse which usually makes me feel better, but I felt nothing today. I've had him for years, it should make me better but I just felt numb.
I want to feel better, I want to feel what you guys see in me. All I can see is darkness.
I hate how much you are hurting right now. It hurts that how what normally helps you no longer does (like seeing whisky) I have seen your whole face light up in the past when you see him... I hate how now everything is so hard and most things now dont work for you
I hate how far away I live from you. I wish I could hold you tightly right now and just snuggle up with you and help you feel safe
I am scared about going into hospital cuz I will only have the internet to contact you by and what if your head is loud and doesnt allow you to call me or come on msn...
I love you so much. You are so amazing and strong.
And I promise to never let you go, not ever xxxx
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Ally darling you are doing so well to keep distracting yourself, it shows just how much a fighter you are. I'm sorry today was so hard for you, but I have faith that you will overcome this. Hold on there sweetheart
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
We're just about to put on a movie so hopefully that will help.
I just dont know why today was the hardest day eating wise; I was back for afternoon tea and I just couldnt pick up my spoon to eat my yoghurt, though eventually I ate it with the threat of an Ensure.
I dont understand myself anymore. Well not that I did before.
