Going for a walk outside is a really good way to clear your head...just maybe not in the rain next time yeah? Try and find somewhere quiet inside (library, art gallery?) that you could go to when you need space. I can imagine if you are sharing a house/halls at uni it can get a little noisy and stressful at times. Having a bolthole to go to get peace and quiet might prove useful.
Or if you have been walking in the rain, at least have a nice hot shower and cuddle up with a hot chocolate in your PJs when you get in.
Striving for Perfection vs Striving for Excellence: Which is better? Perfection is unacheivable, and so leads to constant negative feelings of failure. Therefore striving for excellence is best, because one day you might actually get there = positive feelings of hope and acheivement.
Enjoy Thorpe Park. I really hope the results come back clear. Keep us up to date yeah?
I've got my own flat off-campus now, so that's not too bad, I get my own space. It's kind of just too lonely sometimes though, if that makes sense. Too much time stuck inside, rubbish signal on TV, too much time working or reading depressing stuff on the internet. But I'm gonna bring a few DVDs and books back next time I come home, so at least then I'll have something more relaxing to do. :) And marshmallows to put in hot chocolate heh.
That was pretty much my conclusion so far for Striving for Perfection vs Striving for Excellence. :) There are positive and negative dimensions to striving for perfection (positive e.g. high personal standards/expectations; negative e.g. concerns about mistakes, doubts about actions, feelings of failure), and the positive aspects have been linked to positive outcomes, negative to negative outcomes (obviously, heh). So now I just need to think of a second variable to correlate with perfection. And write the research proposal. Agh. Heh.
Yeah DVDs and books and stuff are good distractions. Theres never usually anything good on TV anyway
I've just started getting all crafty. Think I might make homemade xmas presents this year so I'm experimenting with stuff. It's cheap enough to buy some wool, or beads and make bracelets or whatever and quite fun. Plus I'm sure your family would love homemade presents.
I am struggling at the moment, a lot. Mostly my mum, partly being back at uni with all the memories of last term, partly just pressure, partly just a mixture of all of it.
I was supposed to come home on Tuesday night, but I ended up coming home Monday night instead. It was getting to the point where I didn't have much choice because of the thoughts I was starting to have, the things I was starting to do.
I saw my counsellor yesterday morning (as in Wednesday). It was very draining. We talked about ways to try and keep me a bit safer when I'm at uni, and he gave me his practice mobile number so I can call him or text him any time if I'm needing it, even though obviously he won't always be able to reply straight away.
Today was the first time I have cried in counselling. It was very awkward, but I just feel so sad. I can't bear the thought of not having my mum around. Even if not for a few years, I just can't cope with it at the moment, I can't cope with the thought of life after that and I just feel so low at the moment, I'm switching between sad and numb and it's horrible.
And my mum might be able to have the surgery, there's every chance she might. But even then it's not likely to be more than 4 or 5 years, she will be very lucky if she does. It's possible though, you never know. Average length of time after surgery is 15.5 months apparently. But that's just statistics, individual cases are always different.
But I just feel sad, and low, and so scared. I'm going back to uni tomorrow evening, probably coming back again on Friday evening, spending a lot more time at home at the moment. The hospice counsellor says he thinks it's where I need to be at the moment. But even the thought of that one night at uni terrifies me because I feel so unsafe sometimes. I don't know why though. Not suicidal, I wouldn't do anything. But...I don't know. Impulses. Thoughts. I don't know. I just want everything to be ok. I just want things back like they were before all this.
Sorry for the rant, I just needed somewhere to write it.
If you don't mind me asking, what are the "thoughts" that you were having? Were they dangerous ones? Either way, at least you're doing what you can to keep safe this year and not putting yourself in dangerous positions again. Going home and keeping safe is better than staying where you are and giving the for lonliness, worry and impulses to kick. Having had both dangerous and potentially dangerous impulses myself, I know what it's like.
As for uni, well your safety comes first, and if you feel safer and better at home, then so be it, but how are your studies going now? Well it's really early to tell really, but is your work going okay so far?
As for your mum, I know it's hard, but can you avoid thinking of those negative statistics? >_< It's really not helping your mind. You want to feel happy, you want to feel happy with the way your mum is, but when you look at those statistics, it's really hard to do that. I understand how you feel, because I'm like that really, I'll focus on the negative part of a statistic like that. But there is a positive part to those statistics, right? Like the small percentage of people who live beyond those 4-5 years.. and your mum's young age goes in her favour, so she could be part of the small percentage that does. We'll just see how it goes.
What does your mum think of you coming home, though?
I can't bear the thought of not having my mum around. Even if not for a few years, I just can't cope with it at the moment, I can't cope with the thought of life after that
I know it hurts. And I know its sad and it can be heartbreaking at times. And I know you don't want to think about this and you do avoid it a lot...but if the worst comes to the worst, and your mum does die, either soon or in a few years...you can survive.
Everyone thinks the same. When my mum died I thought the world had ended. But life goes on and eventually gets back to something approaching normal and you get on with it. And its sad, and I still cry my eyes out about it quite often. Birthdays etc are horrible. But day to day, its ok. Trust me, whatever happens, you can deal with it.
Thank-you so much. I know I sound really pathetic, and I know it's a part of life and it happens to everyone, and that I'm 21 and I should be able to deal with it like an adult. It's just sometimes I can't cope with it. It physically hurts to think about what it will be like, and I'm just struggling at the moment. It helps though, to know that it gets a bit easier in time. Thank-you.
The thoughts I was having I guess were quite dangerous thoughts, yeah. I don't think I'd ever act on them. But just the thoughts are scaring me, I know it sounds stupid. I'm doing all the work at home, and I'm going to lectures etc usually, it's just I feel more like me at home so I'm happier as well. I should stay at uni probably, I feel bad about spending so much money on petrol etc. But at the moment I'm safer at home. I dunno, maybe in a couple of weeks when we've had my mum's results and they actually confirm it's in remission and we've got a few years left at least, maybe then it will be easier.
I think partly at the moment it's because it's getting so close to the end of the year. And in March when my mum was first diagnosed they said if she didn't respond to the treatment then it could be less a year, possibly before Christmas. And I know it's really stupid because she has responded, even though the chemo didn't make it operable it did shrink the tumour, and even that was unlikely to happen at the beginning, so she has responded really well, and it might well be in remission by now, otherwise surgery is likely now, but sometimes I just remember what they said at the beginning. And knowing that we'll know the results soon is just making it all a bit real, I suppose. But hopefully things will be a lot better after that.
Thank-you so much. I know I sound really pathetic, and I know it's a part of life and it happens to everyone, and that I'm 21 and I should be able to deal with it like an adult. It's just sometimes I can't cope with it. It physically hurts to think about what it will be like, and I'm just struggling at the moment. It helps though, to know that it gets a bit easier in time. Thank-you.
It doesn't matter what age you are, losing or potentially losing a parent you are close to is hard to cope with and face. When my grandfather died back in early 2003 when I was 10, all my mum's sisters who were in their 40's at the time were grieving quite badly over it. It's also not unknown for people in their 50's and even 60's to take the loss of a parent really badly, which is true because they'd have been around all their lives.. It might be the natural order of things, but it doesn't make the fact any easier to deal with tbh. You ain't pathetic. I guess it just shows you're human.
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Originally Posted by Too Shy;
The thoughts I was having I guess were quite dangerous thoughts, yeah. I don't think I'd ever act on them. But just the thoughts are scaring me, I know it sounds stupid. I'm doing all the work at home, and I'm going to lectures etc usually, it's just I feel more like me at home so I'm happier as well. I should stay at uni probably, I feel bad about spending so much money on petrol etc. But at the moment I'm safer at home. I dunno, maybe in a couple of weeks when we've had my mum's results and they actually confirm it's in remission and we've got a few years left at least, maybe then it will be easier.
Well your safety and wellbeing comes first, but as you're in your last year at university (if I'm not wrong) and doing the work, I'd say it's best to stay and fight through your course. You're doing well so far, and you should try and pass your course, even if staying around is hard. But only if you keep safe of course. I think.. it may be best to keep going home as something to look forward to.. and to keep in regular with your mum, which I'm sure you already do, but can you perhaps call your mum when you're feeling really unsafe? The sound of her voice may help you calm down. If you don't want to worry her, just tell her you just wanna talk really, I suppose that would help. Have you ever considered going to A&E and asking them to keep you safe if you're beginning to snap?
I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit wiffle-waffle.
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I think partly at the moment it's because it's getting so close to the end of the year. And in March when my mum was first diagnosed they said if she didn't respond to the treatment then it could be less a year, possibly before Christmas. And I know it's really stupid because she has responded, even though the chemo didn't make it operable it did shrink the tumour, and even that was unlikely to happen at the beginning, so she has responded really well, and it might well be in remission by now, otherwise surgery is likely now, but sometimes I just remember what they said at the beginning. And knowing that we'll know the results soon is just making it all a bit real, I suppose. But hopefully things will be a lot better after that.
I can't tell you it will all be "fine" in regards to your mums results because I can't make that assumption, but to keep your mind at peace, just focus on the positives and good sides of what could happen, and it's another plus that she's doing well so far. She could be one of the lucky ones. I hope the results are the ones you're hoping for, such as the tumour being removed or at least small enough to be operated on. It will relax your mind a lot.
Sorry if I'm not much help in that aspect. But again, I do hope for the best. Hope you're keeping safe. xxx
It's not a problem yet, hopefully it won't be for a long, long time. It's just...the thought, I suppose.
I think my uncle has just kind of realised things aren't good for my mum. I mean, he knew before that. But he hasn't seemed to care most of the time, tbh. He very rarely asks how my mum is. He almost never asks how we are. He'll occasionally say 'Hi how are you' but then start talking about himself so you don't get a chance to answer. He's a drug addict, he's also bipolar, and he's off his medication at the moment, he's also drinking a lot and split up with his wife last year, so y'know, he's found things difficult. But still. Apparently he cried loads at the pub last night, one of his friends phoned my mum eventually and she sorted him out. He wrote on Facebook earlier: 'Why do we have to loose the people we love the most ? Life is such a bitch !' So obviously now he's had comments from all his friends all saying they're here for him anytime etc etc.
I'm glad he's got people there for him. It's good, it's really good. My mum's said she can't deal with all his problems at the moment, she can't take it, so it's good he's got people there. I suppose partly I'm jealous. I know it sounds awful, I hate myself for it, I really do. But all these people are saying to him 'Oh it's ok, I'm always here for you, hope you're ok, it sucks' etc etc etc. And I want to just scream because I need that so much, and barely any of my friends know, and none of my family besides me, my mum, my dad and my brother have talked about it to each other. It's just...he's talked to us so many times and he never asks how we are, he never does. And now...I don't know.
He says he won't be going to my mum's funeral, because he doesn't want to be in the same room as my aunt (his sister) or uncle. They're not speaking, probably won't for a long time, if ever. I forget exactly why, I think my uncle (as in aunt's husband) had a bit of a go at him when he was off his medication and going off the rails earlier this year, they were trying to get him professional help and he wouldn't accept it, ended up almost physically fighting. So yeah, he says he's not going, that he'll 'say goodbye in his own quiet place'.
I know it's his right, it's his choice, there's nothing wrong with that if he doesn't want to go. It's just...the reason. The fact he won't put up with being in the same room as them even for my mum's funeral. The fact he seems to be making even that about him. The lack of respect. My mum has done so ridiculously much for him. He spent a few days at our house last Christmas after he split with his wife, he complained all Christmas, my mum was there for him back in 2005 when he was diagnosed as bipolar and when he was coming off the drugs. I tried to kill myself in 2005 partly because of everything happening with him, because I hated worrying my mum so much on top of everything with him. And he just...doesn't seem to care about us. It's like it hasn't even occurred to him that actually my dad, my brother and me might actually need our family together when it happens too.
I know it could be years away, and this is all hypothetical. It's just...I don't know. I'm angry?
I know it sounds awful, I hate myself for it, I really do. But all these people are saying to him 'Oh it's ok, I'm always here for you, hope you're ok, it sucks' etc etc etc. And I want to just scream because I need that so much, and barely any of my friends know, and none of my family besides me, my mum, my dad and my brother have talked about it to each other
It doesn't sound awful at all. But if you posted something like that on facebook I'm sure you would get support and people being there etc. Don't forget as well, words are cheap. it takes 2 seconds to write something nice on a status. Few people actually live up to their promises.
Besides you have us
Seriously though, I know you are jealous and craving support and reassurance, but how do you expect people to be able to support you if you don't tell them whats going on?
I understand your reasons babe, I really do. A lot of times when something is going on you might keep quiet because you don't want people to start seeing you differently and treating you differently. But talking to your friends more might help you feel less alone in this.
With the funeral, just wait and see. Your uncle may feel differently when/if the time comes. Family feuds tend to get forgotten at times like that. He is probably scared as well and might be worried about being at the funeral and getting upset in front of everyone, or people not welcoming him being there so its probably a bit of a front to look tough. In the end, if he doesn't turn up, its his loss. I doubt you will even notice his absence.
I know it sounds really stupid feeling lonely that no one can say anything to me when it is my choice not to tell people. I'm struggling a lot with social anxiety at the moment which isn't helping with that, but I am trying to keep being around people etc. I went training tonight, so that helped, was a good release and sparring was fun.
It's my mum's CT scan tomorrow. So hopefully two weeks and everything will be fine again, the cancer will have gone. Or if not then at least the surgery can happen, and we'll have maybe a few years left. And a few years is a long time with cancer, if it stays away for 4 or 5 years I see no reason why it couldn't stay away for longer.
Good luck with your mum's CT scan tommorow, I hope when the results come back in a two weeks time they're crystal clear. It will lift a lot off your shoulders, and a lot of your family's shoulders too. It'll also be a cause to celebrate. :) Fingers crossed, eh? But I think one of the most important things for you is the whole feeling of 'uncertainty' about it all will finally go away about it all, it's good to actually know how things are rather than thinking "what if" and worrying about the results. But they're not too long away now, anyhow!
Oh and yeah it's easy to look 'supportive' from a Facebook page, but as makedamnsure says - it only takes 2 seconds to say something nice on a FB page. I wrote something like "feeling depressed" when I first got it, and got 4-5 replies like that.. from people at school I didn't even talk to! So heh, that's nothing really. But you would get the same response as well I'm sure. :)
Yeah, sorry to hear about your uncle, and I know nothing excuses his selfishness in regards to your family situation, but as you say he is Bipolar - could that possibly be part of the reason he tends to be a bit self-centred? As half of Bipolar means being really depressed, and when some people get depressed they tend to think to the world revolves around how they're thinking and feeling at that moment of time. Sorry if this wasn't helpful, heh. But I do understand why you're frustrated at him for being so petty about your other uncle when it would be such a big event for your family. But lets hope it doesn't even come to that, for a few years at least.
At the moment it's not looking very likely that my mum will be able to have surgery. There is still a small chance, so you never know. At the moment it is 'borderline', so it's not a definite no, which must be a good sign. But the hospice consultant said at the moment he is 'veering towards no'. They're having another look at the scans though, so it's still good they're not definitely saying no. I think my mum finds out on Wednesday, I think next week not tomorrow, but I might be wrong. But they won't do surgery if there's any involvement at all with the artery obviously, and at the moment they think there is. But hopefully there's a really tiny gap. Hopefully.
The hospice consultant said if they can't do the surgery then he thinks it will not be more than two years from diagnosis, even with more chemotherapy. So maybe 18 months or so, give or take.
I just feel sad at the moment. I was ok at the weekend but for some reason it's just kind of hit me since yesterday. I know 18 months is still good and stuff, it's better than nothing. And you never know, it might be longer. They might be able to do surgery. Other people go through so much worse than this. But I am still sad at the moment.
I'm at home mostly at the moment, so I'm with my parents most of the time. I told someone at uni what's going on yesterday too, so at least someone knows, which kind of helps.
I think my mum's having another scan tomorrow. The letter says it is 'very borderline', and that there is 'persistent contact' with the artery, so at the moment it's not looking likely. Hopefully the scan will show that there is a very tiny gap or something. They're doing everything they can, if there's even the smallest gap they can try surgery. They're saying surgery doesn't always work anyway, it probably won't change the outcome much, and sometimes it can make things worse, so they're just trying not to get our hopes up I think.
I still feel so bad because other people have been through so much worse, and even if it is 18 months, that's longer than a lot of people get. I'm so close to my mum though, we all are, and I just can't get my head around it at the moment. I don't know why it's suddenly hit me since yesterday, but maybe it will be ok again once I've accepted this. Or maybe once they decide to try surgery and then we can try and hope for longer again.
Just very sad. I think it's just going to take some getting used to. If it's still stable in a year apparently they will try and reassess, but obviously that is a very big if. I think it's just a case of making memories now. My mum's really upset about leaving us and everything she's going to miss, and about how we'll cope etc, so I said we'll have to try to fit in all into this 1 or 2 years.
My friend came round for a few hours, so that was a good distraction. I went kickboxing earlier, but that wasn't so good. I didn't cope with the session at all, I cried so much. Even our scarier coach (lol) offered to talk to me, he said if I ever need to talk I can go to him. But sparring was ok, good stress release. I'm going to uni tomorrow and then training up there, and then I'm gonna do some sparring with one of my friends, so hopefully that will be good.
I'm just sad at the moment. Sad and tired and scared.
