Please keep your appointments no matter how hard they may seem for everyone involved. You are worth it, even if you don't feel like it now. Your doctor who cancelled the appointment is a tool. That wasn't nice. It's not your fault. But don't give up. You deserve treatment and it's your health.
About not having reasons to live, I am sad that you can't think of any but I'm happy that you are still talking here because I'm hoping that maybe you do want thing to get better. When I tried to commit suicide a year and a half ago, I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the pain to end. Can you relate to that? You need hope that the pain can end, and that things can be different. They can. Seriously. Please feel free to pm me. I am a good listener and friend. Or if not, keep talking to us here. But please, keep reaching out to the drs and counsellors. And when you see them, be brutally honest about what you are thinking and feeling. And if they suck or don't help, keep bugging them. Something WILL work. It will!
I wouldn't have been able to keep the appointment anyway, since there was no subway today.
And yes, I do want things to get better. I just don't think they'll ever will. It's been 8 years of treatment and counseling, and I end up worse than in the beginning.
When I tried to kill myself a few years back, I didn't just want the pain to end. I wanted everything to end. I woke up the next morning feeling sorry that I was still alive.
I think I've just lost hope. Meds aren't working, counseling isn't working either. I'll have an appointment next week with a new doc, we'll see how that will turn out.
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
I really understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. I feel the same way a lot of the time. A lot. Please keep going. I'm glad you will try the new doctor. And I'm glad you are still here and not dead. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks so bad.
I kind of avoided this thread so far as I wouldn't have called myself suicidal, but I think I can't ignore it anymore...
I felt suicidal before (and also tried to do something about it), but because I was in my teenage-rebellion-time, it felt so much different from now.
Everything is just crappy at the moment, I can't find an appartement and I'm running out of time, I don't have any money at the moment, bureaucracy is trying to make it as hard as it can for me to get health insurance and money. I'm living in my old childhood room again, which seems to give my mum the right to violate my privacy whenever possible. My depression, self esteem and sh issues didn't get any better, so I'm feeling like a total failure and like I can never change and become a happier person. On top I started to become depressed without an apparent reason again (before all my above mentioned problems), and I don't care about my sh-relapses anymore.
Although two people I remotely knew killed themselves in the last 5 months I can't help but think about it every day. I don't think about it as dying and just not being there anymore, but as "quitting" my life and starting something else somewhere else. I know this is bullshit and once I'm dead there won't be anything anymore (I'm not religious). But my mind doesn't accept that... and the very thought just seems to be such a relief...
*sigh* sorry for writing such a long story, I just don't see the point of living like this anymore.
An indefinable yearning, possibly for something he once knew and then lost or for something he never knew and has always been searching for.
Pilgrim do you talk to anyone or have you seen your doctor? It sounds really stressful in your life right now. It makes sense that it's getting to you... Please don't feel like a failure. I struggle with everything you've mentioned so we're in the same boat and I understand. You really need to reach out. Don't let it get to the breaking point. You are worth it and death is not a cozy welcome. It's a great deceiver... Who knows how great or awful it will be? I believe I would go to hell, which entirely stops me, although I've tried before. Please reach out before you can no longer stand it. Crisis line? Hospital? Doctor? Someone can help.
I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the pain to end.
That makes me both sad that someone as loving and caring as you could feel that way, but it also explains a lot for me. I could never find the words, thank you.
Also:
"If it's something you value that sometimes all you need to keep going for one more day."
This really helped me today. It gave me something to think about. Focus on. Even though the thoughts were saying one thing- so thank you.
Pilgrim: Hugs. I really hope you can hang on a little longer hun. Find those things that made you hang on this long and don't let them go.
Niniane: That sounds awful about the people taking their lives, but please try not to focus too much on this. I know its hard, but try to imagine all the people they left behind, all the life that they won't now experience and the fight they had yet to win.
You don't have to follow in their footsteps. Reach out. Be heard. Hang on.
How is everyone doing today?
Huge Hugs xxx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Roli... I'm soooooo glad I could help even a little bit. Thanks for telling me that. How are you doing today? Thinking of you...
I'm still having a hard time. Soo tempted right now to do stupid things. Trying to not do them. Knowing it's not really going to help. I'm waiting on a call from the crisis team today.
Thank you so much for the support... just the knowledge that people listen (or read) made me feel a little better. The suicidal "pressure" was less today, I guess because I had a lot to do and was around children all day (I find it hard to show my depression around children).
I'll be away over the weekend, meeting up with some friends and we will see how that goes...
I just can't reach out at the moment, there is nowhere I can go. We've got some kind of crisis line here, but I don't find them very helpful, I never know what to tell them on the phone.
I think it is amazing how much all of you still care about and help other people though you are struggling a lot, too. Thank you!
@Mum24 I could relate so much to your statements that you don't really want to die but the pain to end and that you feel like you are going to do it impulsively. There are often moments in which I fear I might do something stupid because I will have the "right" set of mind for 5 minutes.
Then again, I often thought that regardless of how long you thought about suicide, in the end it is just a minute in which you feel bad enough to actually do it. You might not feel like this 30 minutes later and you might not have felt like it 30 minutes earlier, and this is also a reason I'm hanging on.
To all of you, please keep posting here. Don't give up, not only is it good for you but also for the people who read this and can relate and don't feel so alone anymore. I hope you are not feeling too bad at the moment.
An indefinable yearning, possibly for something he once knew and then lost or for something he never knew and has always been searching for.
Pilgrim I'm so glad to hear from you and thank you for posting those encouraging words. Glad today was better. I'm glad you're hanging on. You're right that suicide can be impulsive and the feelings pass. I'll try to remember that. It's so hard when you're in the moment. Thank God for each other!
its just all to hard now and i cant cope with it all. i got hurt on sunday by two people because they want me to drop some charges on my sister and some others. well they sent me a threatening letter yesterday saying theyre gonna hurt me even more if i dont drop the charges, i met with the police today hoping they would be able to protect me more and they were useless, so whats the point.
im sorry none of that probably wont make any sense at all sorry
Jo, that sounds really stressful. I'm so sorry. I can understand why you are full of anxiety and upset. I would be too. What can we do to help you stay safe though? That's my concern. I don't want to see you hurting yourself. This situation with your sister will pass and I want you alive at the end of it. I know it's really hard right now. Do you have a doctor or counsellor? Can you call a crisis line or go to the hospital? You will be safe at the hospital. No one can hurt you there. Please be careful.
Jo, Roli's here, please remember all the thing you told me. All the support you gave me to stay alive. In this together, remember. I know I let you down and I am sorry for that, but I didn't leave you. Stay strong darlin. Don't let them win. You are so strong hun. Keep fighting. I also think you need to go somewhere safe, from both yourself and the nasty people.
Mum24- How are you doing hun? Are things any easier today?
Pilgrim- Your post made me smile. I hope the weekend goes ok for you. Stop by when you get back and let us know how it goes. I'm glad things are a lil less for you today.
Hang in there everyone- we can get through this... or so everyone tells me :P
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
mum24 and roli thank you for your support im just really struggling at the moment and finding it hard to keep going, yes roli fighting this together im trying so hard. im feeling pretty unsafe atm, i have been talking to the samaritans which has helped a little. i just dont know im so exhausted with it all.
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
