I feel like things are never going to get any better. I'm not going to get any better. I know I have people who care about me, who may even love me, but they would be so much better off if I wasn't alive. My illness is already a burden, and some people won't even acknowledge it. I feel sub-human, so I deserve to die. I deserve this pain, and I deserve death. They stopped me once; they're not going to stop me again.
Liltitch And oddity. I know exactly how you feel. I'm in such a bad place right now too. But please don't give up. Please. Stay safe. Please reach out and call someone or talk to someone who can help. Ending your life will not make things better. It may make things worse. Can you imagine that? Please reconsider and wait another day and let someone try and be there for you. Hugs
It’s so hard trying to be everything for everyone and realize you have been nothing to yourself. I am suicidal. As I write that I think about how disappointed I am in myself and how my Mom would feel, about how my friends would feel. The people I care about most they would not know what to do but they would try their hardest though to do what they can.
I can remember having these feeling in high school. I would spend hours alone thinking about stepping out in front of a car. Hours. I just wanted to escape that reality. I just wanted to stop feeling. Over the years I have never made any solid plans about what exactly I would do but I can’t lie and say that there has been a time I haven’t thought about it. I always stop myself though. I don’t want to hurt my Mom, I don’t want her to feel the pain of my death at my hands. Recently I started thinking as long as she’s alive then I’ll do my best to stay alive. I never acknowledge the fact that I was giving myself permission to kill myself after she passed (God forbid) I never consciously acknowledged it but I felt relief thinking that it would be over once she was gone.
She’s my life and once she’s no longer here I can give myself permission to stop pretending to give a fuck about myself.
I don’t fear death. I have this fear of living an unfulfilled life. Seeing myself at 40 and never accomplishing an of my goals or dreams. That’s my biggest fear. The fear that makes me have anxiety attacks. The fear that makes me think that this deep loneliness, this unending ‘never be good enough’ feeling will just evaporate once I can no longer breathe.
I feel shame every time I think about it. Shame that I would have these feelings, shame that I can’t just shake myself happy, shame that I am the way I am. Yes I know I need help and I guess this is the first part of reaching out. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave before I’ve had my chance to really live. I’m suicidal but I want to live. I guess this is that cry for help.
Tammytam. Your story touches me. Yes please reach out for help. I see myself in your story... It sounds like you suffer from clinical depression or something like it since it's been with you from so young so long in that way. Have you ever seen a doctor? I'd encourage you to start there... don't be afraid. There is much support and help out there. It's not your fault you are suffering, or that you think this way, or that life seems so hard. I too, have unfulfilled dreams and a very difficult time coping but there is hope and support if you keep reaching out. When one person or place can't help or has helped all they can, reach out to the next place, and little by little, life will change. Or perhaps even faster and more wonderfully than that! I hope good things for you!
shadowedsoul- thank you for the hugs. I hope your doing ok.
Mum24- Hang in there. Cuddles.
How are people doing?
I fear I am a disappointment to everyone. I am still having to admit what happened to people, I feel embarrassed. I feel like a failure. It says on my notes that I didn't want to die- I just couldn't not take the meds/ carry out the plan. I do wonder if I just said I didn't want to die so that, because I lived, people would be able to deal with it better. But it didn't feel like me. It wasn't me. I wasn't there when I took them.
I will never forget waking up on the ventilator. I can still feel it.
It's funny how something that was supposed to stop the pain, has actually, in its own way, caused more, a lot more- to more than just me.
I am nothing. I am a disgrace. I don't deserve life.
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Roli, no matter how much pain there is, I'm glad you survived. And there is pain because you are loved. And your pain... I wish I could make it go away. I hear what you are saying that you lied about not wanting to die to spare everyone. Which probably means you are feeling the same way now.. Do you want to die Roli? Maybe this time you could tell someone before the ventilator is needed, or the casket and the pain is so much greater. I'm sure your pain is already huge. Too huge or you wouldn't be talking here. Hugs. I know how you feel. Please be careful. Please be safe. What can you do to reach out in rl? I'm concerned about you.
*Hugs you all if it is ok*
you can do it! i promise. takes time... more then you might believe... takes strength but you all have it because of all youve went through which means you can keep fighting... i believe you all can do it. can PM me when or if ever needed or wanted. I love you all.
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Libz! I wondered about you!! Hugs you!! I missed you too. I'm so sorry you're not "okay". What's been going on?
I'm not sure if I'm okay either. Haven't been coping too well with stresses at home. And depression is back and getting at me hard. I had a job for a while and had to quit. Now I have a temp job coming up. I hope it'll be ok. It's just... Things at home and things inside my head, ya know?
i understand. a temp job? its better then nothing! glad ya got one though.
as for the depression... medicine for it? anyways you know how to cope well with it?
id reather PM you it instead o saying it outloud...
im SO glad to hear from you! *hugs tight*
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Someone just killed himself at a place I go regularly. Couldn't help but to think that I've been thinking of doing the exact same thing for a time now.
I just don't see what is the point in going on. I don't know for how long I will hold on, or if I even want to hold on. Going on, for what ? For a diploma, if I get lucky, that will bring me no job because I can't stand being around people, I can't stand noise and I just freak out at the thought of a simple phone call ?
What's the point of fighting when you just see the void at the end of the line ?
P.S : I apologize if my post is inappropriate.
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
Not inappropriate at all. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I am also having trouble holding down a job due to anxiety and I really need to work. I won't lie to you, it males life hard, BUT there is still other purpose to living and I hope you won't give up before you find it. This week my counsellor was just making sure I had simple things to look forward to doing, like tomorrow... going to an appointment or talking to someone etc. If it's something you value that sometimes all you need to keep going for one more day. There are two things that keep me alive, my children and that I'm convinced if I killed myself I would go to hell. Do you have any reasons that keep you alive? Do you have anyone that you talk to? A counsellor or therapist? I hope you can open up to someone soon if not. You really need to. Please stay safe and be careful.
Thank you for your answer. I'm sorry you're having troubles too.
As for the reasons that could keep me alive, I don't see any. I don't really have friends, never had, I don't date, I don't have a social life and my relationship with my parents is really sc***ed.
As for people to talk too, I have one person, but she's hard to reach because she's very busy and she has issues of her own. I don't want to burden her. I did that too much already.
And for the counsellor, I cancelled my last appointment since my doc literally forgot about my appointment two weeks ago, and ended up making it as if it was my fault if my timetable doesn't match hers.
It would take her five minutes to get to the office, it takes me three hours to get there and be back at Uni (and I'm not even talking about the subway fee), and she wants me to skip classes when she's just 5 minutes away. I was so mad at her that I cancelled.
I'm due for an appointment closest to home next week, but it'll be a mess since I'm sure she won't have given them the needed informations. And it'll be a new doc, so it won't be of much help.
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
