*clambers into sleeping bag* that was a pointless few hours downstairs.
Oliver I hope whatever happens tomorrow goes well for you, we are all here to talk to you if you need us.
I'm currently thinking about writing on my r/v thread but its more a letter to a friend thing.
And also just need some quick advice on something else. If you had noticed on the safe room thread and on here I have mentioned about how I have decided I do want to go to the police about it now, the only problem is that I am starting to freak out about it. My tutor has offered to come with me when I do decide I want to go, but I'm worried that now I've decided to go I'll chicken out so maybe It would be a good idea for me to email him and say I want to go and ask when he is available? But what if he doesn't get it or something? I dunno, what do you reackon i should do?
I am still feeling all over the place from counselling yesterday.
My urges are bad.
My Nan is annoying cause she's so deaf and stubborn.
Dad went to work early this morning and let my cat out. Thats what he normally does as my cat goes to the front door because she doesnt use the litterbox that we have for her, she goes outside. She's desexed which is a good thing because there is a male cat across the road, this ugly looking thing and he always wants to fight with my cat.
So this morning, I woke up to the sound of a cat fight - sure enough it was the male cat and my cat. I went to the front door to try and coax my cat back inside with dry food (as a rule dad doesnt feed her before he goes to work because I can use food as a leverage to get her inside) and it didnt work. She was shaken up because she wouldnt let me go near her. So im peeved. She also stinks of urine but I think Dad was able to wipe her down with a Wet One and the smell is almost gone now but all morning I couldnt let her back inside.
I got upset after the fight because I didnt know if she was hurt or not AND its not like she wandered, the male cat came into our front yard! So i was upset and tears came because my mind was racing and wandering and then thoughts and feelings of my deceased Pop came back into my head because its the first Easter without him so I balled big time.
Mum was surprised because she told me "You were fine at christmas" (he died in September) and i didnt say anything because Christmas I ended up self harming but no one found out about it....
My urges are going crazy with my head and state of mind.
Besides not looking forward to Easter because its the first one without Pop, im also anxious and nervous because my old HSC tutor is dropping by to pick up my HSC resources for some subjects that I dont need anymore and they were too good to throw out, so he said that he'd take them. I havent seen him since November, a few days before an exam and I havent seen him since. I am also going to be meeting his wife on Sunday, which has been in a bundle of nerves and butterflies. I am scared of not keeping "the mask on" in front of his wife and my family (he knows about my self harm and other things, he is a support for me most of the time) as my family does not know that I talk to him (which would totally upset my mother) so I am hoping that he keeps his word and wont mention anything and that I can keep my emotions in tact or I am going to be a total mess and **** everything up. I swear I have social issues or something!
Counselling was WAY harder then I thought it would. Makes me feel weak and pathetic and the thoughts come.
Gah, im so depressed. I also feel really alone because im scared of showing emotions to my journal or to my parents because I dont want to tell them that things have gone bad again when things went so well for a long period of time.
I honestly dont know how I got so ****ed up. I honestly dont.
Life sucks when pain never goes away!
thanks for listening Kat. Sorry for the verbal vomit.
Last edited by silentgirl : 02-04-2010 at 04:12 AM.
Reason: added to it.
*Cuddles* Sorry for the late reply, I signed out for a bit to have a shower and get some housework done. I wish I could say something to make it better for you hun. What worries you the most telling your parents that things really aren't ok? Hang in there hun, you will get through this
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
My parents dont react very well when it comes to pain and self harm. Telling them, I mean.
There is more issues, but working on them in counselling.
I just hate hurting them but my KHL and face to face counsellors have told me not to worry about hurting my parents if it isnt helping me, which it isnt.
Thats about it, I guess.
*Hugs silentgirl* They may not react very well but often parents react badly because they can't bear the thought of their child hurting themselves. I dunno if this is the case with your parents but it might be. Anyways if you think that once they have calmed down can be of a support for you then I would go with telling them. In the end it's up to you though and you have to do what is best for you
*Hugs IAL* How are you doing?
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi girls - how ya going?
me = shitty. Im going to bed. Had a shocker of a day. R/V has more about that.
Family is coming down tomorrow instead of Sunday so we are celebrating Easter a day earlier.
I dont think it will hurt any less though to be perfectly honest.
I cant cut. I JUST CANT!
So confused. How happy I am and how happy everyone thinks I am, are two totally different things at the moment.
People think im strong - I AM NOT STRONG!
Thoughts of Pop should be happy, but instead they break my heart and make me cry hysterically.
"cries" as she goes off to bed. xx
Last edited by silentgirl : 02-04-2010 at 01:29 PM.
Reason: added more
