*cuddles* just got a few hours to kill till my friend david comes over, really need the company.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I wrote out two big replies explaining how I do but dont have support. But whoops, deleted both on the point of sendage.
Basically - they don't take me seriously. Or the doctor dude wouldnt have suggested I stopped going and went somewhere for teenagers who cant cope with being teenagers.
No wonder though, I've told them very little, and I automatically have The Act on anywhere I go, so they can't see the pain and fear I'm going through.
But I'd thought that the information they have would be enough to at least stop and think hmm, maybe we'll help her out a bit.
But no, severe anxiety, and dissociation/depersonalization as a result is nothing. Feeling like bursting into tears (or empty shell) every minute of every day sinse december/november is normal. As is expiriencing that down once or twice a year. Hallucinations and hearing voices at times of stress and when I try to sleep (so I don't sleep = gets worse) is nothing a school councellor can't fix.
And thats just what they knew.
But at the last minute they've gave me another appt, and a thing t get sleeping pills off the doctor.
What I've lost so far? Most of my friends. The guy I was with for about six, seven months. My family have tried to kick me out a few times. School expelled me, but I have a few classes now as an external student.
I'm sorry, I don't really have time to follow threads. Here's a small update on me. I've been out of it all day. Went to a psych yesterday, he said basically nothing is wrong with me and I have PTSD. Voices are normal, hearing myself scream in my head is probably normal too, etcetera. I'll just go to counselling again I guess :-P
*Hugs everyone*
RYL FAMILY
Jo (Newlife) is my daughter
Kat (Katnovia) is my sister
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I'm sinking again, I can feel it, the last few weeks I have gone downhill and I am trying to not sink to the bottom but its so damn hard, everything is getting too much again, its scaring me, it haooened similar time of year last year too, where in feburary I was doing okish and then just went really bad, I can't deal with this right now, especially with the really stresful and hard stuff I gotta do in the next few weeks and months anyway.
*hides in a dark and far away corner*
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
Kat, love, you're not a failure, and remember, uni just started. I think you should give it a few more weeks if not a month or two before you really make that decision - it's feelings-based right now and if evidence (grades, etc.) show that you aren't meant to be in school right now, then so be it. But I would try not to worry about it now if I were you. Much, much, MUCH easier said than done I know. *holds you gently* But you can do it. I believe in you, and so do so many other people on this site and IRL. :)
Silentgirl, I'll check out your r/v thread in a bit when I head over there to update mine. (I have some stuff to growl about too... heh.) I hope you get some good rest and manage to escape the ickiness for a little while. *hugs*
Puff, that really sucks that no one takes you seriously. :( Well, if you would have it put that way. It seems like you really need help and when people don't give it to you... that is wrong. Of course, the front/facade that we put on can very easily fool SOME people but I would hope that professionals (the mental health ones at least!!) would be able to see through it!! How are you managing tonight?
Oliver *more cuddles* I'm sorry that you're not doing very well... what exactly do you mean by going down? like, moodwise you're getting lower? will you need to be hospitalized or is it never that serious? Sorry for all of the questions, am just concerned. Keep hanging in there... I understand the stress, but you can handle it... just take it one day, one hour at a time if you need to. I believe in you as well. I believe in you all. You are all so much stronger than you think.
I am doing meh. Very tired, worn out from the nearly-constant anxiety... Had a break from it this morning by going out and shopping for a bit, then hanging out with my mum, but it came back as soon as I got back to the apartment... which really sucks. If I lie down that assuages some of the panickyness but I can't be lying down in bed all day!!
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*cuddles April* I'm sorry your anxiety is really bad and is making you feel tired. It really sucks, do you have any techniques to use that can calm you down.
*cuddles Puff* I'm sorry your not doing well.
Yeah I mean my mood is getting lower and lower, my depression is engulfing me. I'm having major body issues, which is causing me a lot of stress, especially as I have to do a music course in about 3 weeks in 'girl mode'. I dont know why my depression is suddenly starting to engulf me, I was doing okish for a few weeks.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*Cuddles Hollz* Hang in there hun, you will get through this
*Cuddles Puff* I am sorry you feel that you ain't be taken seriously. I understand what it's like to out on that act too. Can you try and think about telling them more of what's going on for you? Especially the dissociation, I know it's hard but they can only help when they know everything that is going on. You will get through this.
*Cuddles April* Thank-you so much for your kind words they mean alot to me right now. I am glad you had a nice time out with your mum. Can you do something else to relax you like watch a nice film or something? Also I don't know if this will help, but sometimes it helps me to go on a walk when I am feeling anxious.
*Cuddles Oliver* I am sorry your struggling hun, can you try doing something nice for yourself to help lift your mood a bit?
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I'm glad that my words helped some, Kat. How are you feeling today/tonight? any better? I hope so... you're not a failure, you're really not. *cuddles*
*cuddles Oliver* Awh love, I'm sorry that your mood is going lower & lower. :( That's rough to deal with. I know the feeling though... and you do have a lot coming up in the next few months, telling people etc. right? but you WILL get through it just fine. *more cuddles* As far as the having to be in "girl mode" maybe just pretend it's the theatre and you're an actor? I dunno if it will work, just a thought.
I got up at 4am, anxious... AGAIN. Or still, not sure which. :( I hate this so so so SO much. I just want it to stop... it took me almost an hour to get to sleep last night, I was so anxious... and then waking up that early? I'mma be so freaking exhausted by about 7 or 8am (it's just 5:40am here now) that it's not going to be funny. :( I HATE THIS!!! especially because I have a tonnn of schoolwork to do. :(
*hides*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Still feeling rather crappy but I spoke to a friend today and she helped put things a bit in perspective for me. Sorry your feeling anxious, it's not a nice feeling. Would going on a walk help? I find this sometimes helps ease my anxiety. Or even finding something relaxing to do for a bit before you start your schoolwork. Hang in there hun xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
