Thing is Mari yeah you are probs right, I am looking ways for myself to justify myself and I can't, I am fukked up in the head, I don't have a justifcation, as much as I would like to give you one.
I'm sorry, I know nothing I say now will make a difference, I understand that, I feel so much better for coming clean though and I know nobody can trust me and are angry with me, and I don't expect you to forgive and forget, all I can say is that your all amazing people, and I'm sorry I let you down and abused your trust, but don't loose faith in anyone else just because of me, I don't know what was going through my mind and if I had answers then I would give you them.
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
I had a dream about brushing my teeth last night, about a magic toothbrush. Was wierd.
I had a shocking day after I posted yesterday. I don't know why, but the hallucinations and general psychoses got really bad. In the end I had to cover all the mirrors in the house and turn both music and tv on to drown it out, plus turn every light on that I could find. It really REALLY scared me. Spent the evening cuddling every toy I could find and trying to turn y brain off.
Feeling a bit better today, but don't want to push it. It's also my Saffy's (cat . . .) birthday today; she's 1. God I'm sad.
OPEN THE PARCEL! It might be exciting. I want to know!! xx
Whatever Happened to our Inner Glow?
<3 Sarah, My brilliant, beautiful, RAWR little sis
I had a dream about brushing my teeth last night, about a magic toothbrush. Was wierd.
I had a shocking day after I posted yesterday. I don't know why, but the hallucinations and general psychoses got really bad. In the end I had to cover all the mirrors in the house and turn both music and tv on to drown it out, plus turn every light on that I could find. It really REALLY scared me. Spent the evening cuddling every toy I could find and trying to turn y brain off.
Feeling a bit better today, but don't want to push it. It's also my Saffy's (cat . . .) birthday today; she's 1. God I'm sad.
OPEN THE PARCEL! It might be exciting. I want to know!! xx
Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience last night. But I'm glad that you did find a way to cope with it, even if it did involve covering all the mirrors etc.
You're right to not push it. Just take things slow. And happy birthday to your cat!! :D
I had my DSA assessment yesterday. Went well, they're going to give me a laptop and dictaphone and stuff but the best thing is that they're going to get me a mentor to help me to plan my study time and stuff around my bpd.
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
thanks everyone, it did feel good getting it out. I throught she was going to go mad at me but she was really nice about it.
Ellie thats really good news im glad your going to get the help you did.
I let her clean my teeth and Mari they do feel great!
I will open the pacel in a bit.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
Im glad youre having a bit of a better day today Ev Gentle hugs xx
Ooo and happy birthday Saffy x
Well done Lizzie for going to the assessment. Im really pleased youre going to get the help and support xx
Daniella...give me a nudge when you open the parcel...im so nosey lol xx
Well...i went to se the nurse about my cyst on my back. Im on antibiotics for it, but they dont seem to be doing what they should be..it still looks swollen and infected. So they may have to try something else
I hope they do start to work Rowie.
Dont worry i will tell you once ive opened it.
anyone up to anything today?
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
Starting to get scared again. For no apparent reason. I'm convinced that if I leave the house, bad things will happen. And the insects and the creatures are back. God I hate what is happening in my head.
Lizzie; yay for the DSA stuff! I wish I'd applied, and I might do for my MA year. I'm still scared of people thinking I'm crazy though.
Hope the antibiotics start being of some use soon Rowie. How long have you been on them? Maybe they could jigg about with the dosage or the type?
I'm planning on just staying in today, I'm doing some work. It's tedious, but at least it doesn't need too much thought.
Feeling very triggered, and the psychosis isn't helping. Like the only way to get the stuff out of me is to take it out physically.
Ugh.
Whatever Happened to our Inner Glow?
<3 Sarah, My brilliant, beautiful, RAWR little sis
Rowie, that cyst sounds nasty :( Hope it gets better soon.
I'm off out later to meet up with a friend who I haven't seen since before I went back to uni for the summer term. And then we're going to go to the eating disorders group together (that's actually also where we met). I don't really wanna go to the group, in many ways I've left my ed behind and it's now just a blot in my brain that crops up (albeit daily) with minimal input now. Ah well, either way it'll be a good chance to see M and also to see the other people I know from there :)
Anyone else?
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
If the only way to get it out is physically, why not punch a pillow or something like that. Then you can punch it but it won't hurt you back!
I'd defs recommend going for the DSA. It's a lot easier a process than you think it will be, and worth it. The only problem would be if you're being funded by a research council for your MA, cos then DSA won't give you anything.
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
Hope the antibiotics start being of some use soon Rowie. How long have you been on them? Maybe they could jigg about with the dosage or the type?
Well ive only been on them for three days but the nurse reckons that theyre not doing the job. So i have to see her on monday...by then i would have finished the course and they can put me on something stronger xx
Thank you Lizzie xx
Im sorry youre struggling Ev, but maybe keeping yourself occupied by doing the work may help hun. Please try to not take it out on yourself xx
Right, at first I was annoyed with how you had acted Hollz. More in shock that anyone could do such a thing, and worried about you. But not anymore.
You have brought all this on yourself, and FFS stop just agreeing with what everyone else says in regards to why. You do know why. Somewhere deep down you know why. You're just making excuses.
You're talking all matter of fact, like it's a good thing. How can it be a good thing??? You lied about your MUM and her DYING. I seriously hope you don't believe in fate or karma. Do you even know the heart ache that goes with that?? Do you? Last year I sat by my mum's bed side while she was in a medically induced coma. I sat there talking to her, reading to her. Telling her everything would be ok. I'd sit there for hours, just holding her hand. Trying to comfort her because we had no idea how much she was aware of. Sitting there with her while the doctors and nurses come and go saying she was ina really bad way. Then saying that her organs were failing. Then she had a 50% chance of survival, and slowly it started decreasing. She couldn't breathe on her own properly. She had to be given 100% oxygen because her lungs were so fukked that she wasn't getting enough oxygen.
I soent weeks being in and out of the hopsital with her deteriorating and improving and then deteriorating. Meeting other familes. Some of them had their relative leave intensive care, some of them had relatives that died. My whole family came up at one point, and my family never all gets together. We had to tell them that she was dying and had little chance of survival. My Dad was in pieces. His wife was dying. And in your stupid pathetic lie you make out that your dad is ok??? ARE YOU ACTUALLY JOKING? You clearly have absolutely no idea what it is like to go through what I went through.
No idea whatsoever. Luckily my mum did survive in the end, after weeks of being on the edge of death. You have absolutely no clue, and I hope you never actually find out what that feels like. I had to be the strong one, I had to look after my dad and my older brother. I had to hold everyone together and try and do a degree at the same time. Parts of which I failed, and they tried to make me leave. I HAD NO SUPPORT, and you think it's ok to turn around and ABUSE the support that we are giving you??
You hardly ever gave any support back either! You'd come in here and say whatever your problem was a offer a hug or whatever to other people, but no tangible support was there?
And now you're focussing on yourself again as well. Talking about it all in terms of you. In terms of how YOU feelso much better, and YOU are glad that it's out. Well what about everyone else? You let me tell you about my mum.
But that's not even what makes me most angry. It's the fact that you have put everyone else through so much, especially Mari. And the fact that a lot of people clearly needed the support more than you did. People were having a really really hard time whilst your lies were going on. Yet they were still offering you support and strength.
It's just not right.
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Thanks Rowie. It was a hard time, but we got through it. I didn't really want to bring it up that much, but I think it's important that Hollz realises what she could have been going through.
How are you?
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
Ah ok, well surely he can refer you SOMEWHERE?? I mean there cant just be these 2 people that are incharge of your life!!?
What dya reckon you're gonna do about therapy? You still gonna wait til august to go back?
I'm ok thanks :) i put fake nails on last night for the sports awards and for teh ball tomoro, they are hard to get used to! lol
but means I can pick my skin which i guess is good!
Is the cyst sore? Hope they can get it sorted for you
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
