Well, I have an awful appointment tomorrow morning. Its with the link worker. Last time i saw him, he rejected me as being too complex for him to take on...this then led to an assessment by the cmht who rejected me as not being suitable for them to take me on.
I really cant go through all of that again. But the cmht referred me back to the link worker, and i am dreading it. Being rejected is something that i find really hard to cope with and I dont want to find myself in that situation again.
I know i should go with an open mind, but its hard. He doesnt come across as being very pleasant. He is stern and very abrupt...or he was last time. I am scared of him and dont want to be sat infront of him.
I popped on this morning before going out, sorry I wasn't in the right frame of mind to post.
I know that I'm new to here (compared to some of you), but I feel shocked, betrayed and extremely hurt too.
My blood test went OK, listened to my mp3 played and didn't look, so got no real thoughts of sh. Mum then took us to town to spend the rest of my birthday money. Why do shops never have my size in, this really frustrated me and i gave up and said I just wanna go home, on the drive home i started crying softly to myself.
hope everyone else is alright, Sorry but I don't really have any words at the moment, my brain is just completely fried.
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
He will be taking me there but not coming in with me.
He knows how i feel about it so he will be there to keep me company whilst i wait to be called in..hate that bit xx
Hugs LDC...im glad the blood test went ok. Sorry the shopping trip wasnt a success hun. Much love xx
(((hugs))) Rowie, sorry to hear that your worried about tomorrow, just remember that your husband is there to support you, so lean on, I'm sure he wont mind. good luck, i hope it goes ok.
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
its ok chick. well offically its the 30th june however cus of glastonbury etc i gota do it sooner so hopefully will be sunday cus i have a netball tournament back this way. but im trying to take as much home as possible cus were moving to a diff house next year lol so bring it all back again in october lol. yeh im sad but glad in away even though this year has been amazing some bad memories are here i did some pretty bad stuff in this house. but hey aslong as i have passed my exams i can turn it around. thanks havent trained properly in ages so i dunno. probably wont be on again after this till 2morrow as im traveling bk to coventry straight after training so be a late night.
look after urself ppl xxxxx
Ah i remember doing that, and in a few months i need to pack to leave heh, but good luck with the game. Im ok not been too bad, just been lying downstairs for a bit with my dad, suppose he liked the company, i dont go down to often, but i should prob make an effort. Just so tired though, they really make you sleepy the pain killers.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
eh i could have sworn rowie posted after you. I must be seeing things in my "not quite here state". God i love these pills for taking away the pain but they are making me so tired its unreal.
But where did the missing post go :P, im not seeing things i swear.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
Holly, is it that you're so desperate for affection and support and contact that you use the compulsive lying [unconsciously, because I get that it's not a conscious thing of which you have much control as yet - which is why therapy might help...] as one of the means of protecting you from the abandonment and rejection that you are terrified of?
Hi Katie. I think to many extents you are right, I have a real fear of both rejection and abandoment, but I don't know why that would have made me lie like I did. I have been thinking all week what the reasons and justifcations are, and there realy are none. I don't even know why I would be desperate for support because I have a lot of support in place through my cpn, sw and first crisis, have the support of so many people on here who I love and admire to bits, and knowing that I have let them down in this way, it pains me but I know that I only have myself to blame, sometimes the lies do spiral out of control before I even realise and when I try to get out, I realise I'm so far down a hole, its difficult to dig my way back out.
Therapy might help and in the past few months I have tried to stress to my cpn and pysch, just how much of a problem this has become for me, it has gone a long way from just being manipulative and I don't quite understand it, but they have both recommended physcotherapy but a referral will be made, but my cpn wants to go through some things with me first, because of the way my mood has been this year, erratic as it has, things has been stripped back to basics for now with her.
Once thats done then the physcotherapy will come into play, but thats not going to be for at least a few months, all I can do is be honest with her and with everyone, I am going to print out sections of this thread, well mainly things I have written and pass it to her, and maybe if she sees it in the black and white, then steps can be made to make actual progress, and for me to be back on track and well thats what I want more than anything and well I cant apologise enough to everyone on ryl and on here in particular, as its not just people on the internet I am talking to here, its my friends and I have let everyone down and well I can't change what I have done, but I want everyone to know that I am sorry, and I care for everyone so much, I'm sorry,.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ferretmonster
afternoon all,
hollz, i suspected anyway tbh which is why i replied to little about it.
I know that you suspected and I am sorry for lying to you, as I said above, I am so sorry and hurting anyone on here, was never my intention.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Grace~
JUst read all the updates on this thread and all i can say is that im shocked and kind of feel betrayed and hurt.
Rowie, I know I have sent you a PM and also a text, but just to re-itterate what I have said, I am sorry for letting you down, I understand you feel betrayed and I certainly do not blame you, and I am so sorry for hurting you. I really value your friendship and support, I wish I could justify my actions but I can't, just take care of yourself in the next few days with your appointments, I hope they all go well for you, and sorry again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ebrooks131
Hugs to everyone who's feeling (understandably) more than a bit shaken up by events on this thread.
Again all I can say to you in sorry, I truly am.
Quote:
Originally Posted by littledarkcloud
Hi everyone.
I popped on this morning before going truly out, sorry I wasn't in the right frame of mind to post.
Again there is little I can say but sorry, I have sent you a pm also and hope that within time you can accept my apology.
Quote:
Originally Posted by outofcontrol1989
wow ive just read this holly i have no words.
Cheryl, you mean so much to me and I am so sorry for hurting you, I know I spoke to you earlier on and I understand that your upset, angry and annoyed with me and I really don't blame you, your friendship means a lot and you have been there to support me and that is very much appreciated, I hope you manage to get out your uni flat okay and good luck with the netball.
To everyone else on this thread who I have spoken to countless times, who I care for a lot, I am truly sorry. There are no magic words I can say or do right now, I wish I could justify myself, I wish I could turn the clock bad not just with this, but with other things that have happened in life, but I can't. Just now I just need to be open and honest with those trying to help me, as if I don't let them in then I will not be able to move on from this and get better, and I do need help, I know that, my head is fukked up and I have done some really unforgivable things, I know that and I am truly sorry, for hurting everyone on here, who go out their way to help when struggling themselves, I love all you guys, and I'm so so sorry for hurting each and every one of you.
Hollz xxx
Something has changed within me, something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap....
Somethings I cannot change, but till I try I'll never know...
***
Big hugs to all my friends on here, thanks for your constant support - love you guys
Im tired, i really need a bath but i have to be good, i have to, mum keeps asking me if ill be ok on my own tomorrow, coz its the first time ive been alone all day since hosp, i find it a bit triggering tbh, feeling a bit antsy all of a sudden.
Ah ok rowie, can you remove your own posts? i never knew that lol. Its natural to feel like that when your alone, i hate being home alone, but plan your day so your not sitting there thinking about things you can be doing. ha ha im watching that was well to see all the sad people throwing away thier sanity.
Holly i dont know where things go from here with anyone. Alot of the problem is, is that we all have trust issues and while it can be hard to build up, it can be broken just like that, i cant speak for anyone else, but i honestly dont know whats going to happen.
I've did all i can for you, i've stuck by you despite everything you put me throught with being suicidal, ie trying to do things infront of me and leaving me to call for help, but i cant do it anymore. Most people told me i should have walked and i didnt, but i dont think you have given me much of an option anymore.
The sad thing is, is that i remember saying you have to take responsibility and i ended up getting told off because of everything you where going through, but right now more than ever its true, you have to, ive told you that you have to be honest with everyone and even print all of this stuff out and give it to them, but at the end of the day you have to try and want to get better, rather than blaming something or doing other things.
You say you dont know but you must have a reason to why you did it in the first place, if it was a spur of the moment thing or if you calculated it and thought about it. But what gets me the most is you knew that i knew and you still pretended, when all you had to do was come clean rather than carrying on with the lie. I mean you must have knowen you where going to be found out at some point. The fact is if you had said you parents where in a car crash and your mum was ok then we would have all beleived, i only doubted you when you said your mum was being kept alive for her organs, sams a nurse and even she said that wasnt true. I was like everyone else though, i wanted it to be true, even calling the hospital i didnt want to be right, and i knew you panicked when i mentioned sam knew people there.
Everyones going to want answers, saying im dont know why isnt going to cut it im afraid, you need to really think about why you said these things and the reason behind it all, because there will be some reasons you are not admitting, i simply cant beilve you did it without knowing why and why you let it get worser rather than stopping the lie after a few days. But was it calculated or a spur of the moment thing?
I know some people might not really want to talk about it, but i really want answers even if you dont have them, because i dont know how people are going to recover from this and i dont know what happens from here on in. The thing with the internet means that anyone can come in here and lie, but we all trust that we are being truthful and we are who we say we are, and this just reminds you that you cant trust anyone.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
