Life, please... no more - Page 7

Kahlia1981 · 12-02-2009, 07:10 AM

My next appointment with my pdoc has been put back two weeks. It was supposed to have been next week, but apparently he is unwell. His receptionist has booked me a tentative appointment in early March, but isn't sure he'll be back by then. That doesn't sound good. I'm beginning to wonder whether I should be trying to find a new pdoc .... even though that would mean having to go through the whole new-psych-worker thing.

I want to cry, but I can't. I'm (more than just) a little bit dehydrated right at the moment. I feel like I'm being incredibly selfish at the moment as well, because I feel that I'm distressing one of my housemates unduly. He has his own problems at the moment, especially relating to finances, and is thinking that he might have to forego his return to uni. I keep thinking that it's my fault that he has these issues, especially when I have had to ask him to remove items from my presence and attempted to dismantle things in order to hurt myself infront of him.

I just want to scream . . . *screams*

wildly insane · 12-02-2009, 10:31 AM

I am absolutely sure that you are not unduly distressing your housemate. I am sure that he would much rather you asked him to take things away from you rather than you hurt yourself. Good luck with the whole ui thing, I hope it works out. I think you are so incredibly strong to be able to go and talk to people about it and to ask for help. You can do this, I believe in you, take care hun, hugs, Hannah

Kahlia1981 · 13-02-2009, 05:25 AM

Okay, this is just going to be a little update. I'll get a bit more in depth on a few matters when I can.

I saw the new psychologist at uni today. She saw through the mask I tend to wear when meeting new psych workers and actually told me that she could see that even though I was laughing and smiling there was a lot of sadness underneath. I think that's the first time anyone has actually come straight out and said that. She even said that it was probably a mechanism I put up to the world when I was nervous or scared and going into a potentially difficult situation.

It went fairly well. I managed to get some of the biggest concerns out and she picked immediately the two biggest dangers in relation to the university studies - the likelihood of psychotic episodes, and the suicidal ideation. I felt like she was listening and trying to help, and she was also taking the time to ask me what I felt I needed.

I've been home for about two hours after the appointment, and I'm not feeling fairly calm. I've basically been lying on the bed just trying to maintain a calm place in my mind ... and not SI. I was going to go into my room and shut the door and attempt to sleep, not just rest, but knew deep in my soul that if I had done so I would have attacked myself.

Feeling really fragile right now, but in some ways a bit better ... I guess because I followed through and reached out to someone for help.

wildly insane · 15-02-2009, 01:44 AM

*hugs Kahlia* you did good hun :) how you doing now?

Kahlia1981 · 15-02-2009, 01:54 AM

My mood has tanked again. I just want to curl up in a corner somewhere and go to sleep and never wake up. I just can't see a way out of this dark place. Maybe there isn't one. *sigh*

I'm sorry.

Kahlia1981 · 15-02-2009, 03:23 AM

My head keeps turning to the dark side. My suicide plan is back in my head. I haven't told anyone about the full plan and don't even know who I would tell if I was to tell someone. It's getting harder and harder to resist what my head is telling me.

I cried properly today, for the first time in ages. I was terrified for a while that I wouldn't be able to stop. I think I'm going to break soon. *sigh* I can't help but think that would be a good thing.

I just wish I could see some sort of way out of this mess ...

Kahlia1981 · 15-02-2009, 10:13 PM

I made it through another day. I don't know whether I want to say "yay" or "damn the bloody hell out of it" right at the moment.

My housemate has had some mood issue just recently too. He had to choose whether to attempt a return to uni, knowing full well that we would be in an intense financial struggle for most of it, or to give it (further education) up as a pipe dream. He doesn't do too well when he has conflict going on in his brain ... I guess that none of us really do. He has made his decision now, and intends to spend this week looking for work.

I told him yesterday that I was questioning whether it was a smart decision to attempt to return to study (in the university environment) when I was as unstable as I am. Realistically I have a week to make that decision. I think however, that if my mood continues like it has been I will have to withdraw for this semester, and reassess next semester. The biggest concern there I guess is that I'm not sure I would still be able to see the psychologist I saw last week, and I'm pretty sure that I'm going to need some sort of psych-worker support that I don't think I can afford to get from elsewhere.

My ex rang me on Saturday to wish me a happy Valentines Day. He was trying to apologise for not sending flowers and so forth. It kind of confuses me a little. He doesn't talk to me for months, then rings up out of the blue, then rings up a few more times - quite often saying that he'll ring back when [xyz] has happened and not doing so - and then rings to say happy Valentines Day ?? Like WTF ?? He tells me he misses me, and that it's so hard with him being so far away. It's kind of ... f*cking with my brain.

I don't know whether I want to scream the house down, or burst into tears.

wildly insane · 16-02-2009, 12:57 AM

Things will get better hun, I know you can't see it but you've got to believe it and keep going and if you can't then please let someone know so you can get some help. big hugs, Hannah

Kahlia1981 · 16-02-2009, 06:05 AM

*sigh* ... I think I need a room to go into at the moment where I can scream my head off. Or, I need to be able to remove my head completely so that it can get on with being a complete d*ckhead somewhere else. I need to learn how to shut it off ... even just for a couple of minutes so that I can get some sleep. I'm just so freaking tired, and getting more and more likely to do something stupid. *sigh*

I think I need to cry again.

Tears of Solitude · 16-02-2009, 02:12 PM

< offers hugs > Thanks for keeping us updated about how your feeling.

My thoughts are with you, I too wish I could remove my head at times. It just gets too much.

Love Jade xxx

Kahlia1981 · 21-02-2009, 11:55 PM

"Another day another doctor's bill another new cheap thrill, you know you love them if you put them in your will, there are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay so you bargain with the devil that you'll be okay for today ..."

Well the good news to start with ... Yesterday I reached 6 months (or 180 days depending on your counting preferences) SI free. It was kind of weird. I was buzzing for most of the day (I didn't technically reach the target until 4:00 pm) and threw myself headlong into cleaning ... although I had been told by a housemate that I a) wasn't allowed to clean the bathroom (because I do that every week before anyone else is even awake) and b) was not allowed to clean both the lounge room && the kitchen, and if I did either of those things he would release his wrath. So I cleaned my room ... completely.

Anyway, when I could clean no more I sat down and watched a couple of movies on tv and recharged a couple of iPods. I've just switched over from Windows Vista [insert appropriate puking sounds here] to Kubuntu 8.10 because my laptop kept giving me BSODs (blue screen of death) and restarting itself .... without any input from me at any stage. It did keep me entertained for a night or so, but was getting irritating. However, the switch to Linux means some issues with some of the music I currently have on my iPod that is "protected" by DRM and I don't have back-up copies of. But that's another story. I'm just glad I could charge the darn iPod.

With about an hour to go until reaching my goal I was quite literally buzzing and unable to sit still. I was trying to watch "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" as a distraction but, meh.

And then ?? Less than half an hour after reaching the goal my mood tanked again. Now I can't seem to lift it. I mean, I can get to a point where I am "okay" and most people wouldn't realise there is anything wrong, but then I just start feeling like I want to break down in tears.

I guess that the good thing is that even though I want to cut (really badly) and I would seriously like to off myself .... I don't have the energy to do so. *sigh*

For a little while there I thought I saw some light at the end of the tunnel ... I guess it was just an oncoming train.

ravynsoul · 22-02-2009, 07:04 PM

*sending you massive hugs* Sorry to hear your mood has tanked >_<

Congrats on 6 months!! I'm proud of you.

mouse in darkness · 25-02-2009, 12:26 PM

Kahlia is in Hospital. She asked me to update her information, on her computer but the darn thing is beeing a bit of a pain in the bum. She sends her wishes and can't wait till she is home and well again. (ie chating in here).

*hugs all*nicole and kahlia.

ravynsoul · 25-02-2009, 01:14 PM

*sending you massive hugs Kahlia and Nicole* Thanks for the update. I hope you don't have to be in the hospital too long.

~Grace~ · 25-02-2009, 01:26 PM

thinking of you
hope the stay in hospital is helping xx

wildly insane · 26-02-2009, 09:16 AM

Hugs Kahlia, congratulations on six months :) hope you don't have to stay in hospital long

Mary Anne · 26-02-2009, 02:04 PM

*hugs Kahlia*

hope you get out soon

x

Kahlia1981 · 28-02-2009, 07:01 AM

I'll keep this short for now and get into some more details of several things a bit later.

First and foremost I want to thank everyone who reads this thread, regardless of whether you reply or not. A lot of the time the stuff that I write in here is a way for me to get it out of my head in a "safe" way without needing to turn it all either inwards or onto my skin.

Secondly, a big thank you to both Nicole for posting that I had been admitted IP for me, and for everyone who has offered hugs and support for the time that I was in there.

The trip IP was not the most pleasant experience in my life ... nor for a fact was the series of "unfortunate events" that resulted in the treatment being required. I guess that the important thing now is to find a way to recover both in terms of my illness and in terms of the events that have transpired.

My parental units have turned their back on me and at present my real life support system is extraordinarily low. Apart from my housemates and my GP I do not really have anyone I can turn to. Thankfully my GP was able to fit me in for an emergency consultation yesterday and upon hearing of the situation is more than prepared to make attempts to offer any assistance she is able to.

Anyway, I am truly appreciative of all the love and support that all of you have extended to me, even if that is just by reading my posts, some of which I am sure would not have been all that easy.

Thank you to you all, and *big hugs*

Kahlia1981 · 28-02-2009, 11:35 PM

I have actually had decent sleep for two nights in a row. Friday night I crashed out for about 10 hours .... which was in one sense absolutely wonderful. Last night wasn't so crash hot, with me sleeping in batches, waking at one point after my "normal" incredibly lucid dream to find that I had bent one of my fingernails back to the point where it had started bleeding. But still, after having had so long without sleep altogether, it has been nice.

I'm afraid that I'm going to have to leave getting into certain details for another day, today has been set aside as the "D-Day" for writing my letter of complaint and preparing to send copies to both the Complaints department at the hospital and also the Director of the entire hospital regarding my treatment while I was IP.

My mood is still fluctuating and my psychotic symptoms are still there, but the medication that my GP put me on has helped me to at least get some sleep and to regain some sort of control over the panic which otherwise was threatening to take over my life.

Kahlia1981 · 01-03-2009, 10:08 AM

It has not been a good day .... my housemate ended up getting taken to the hospital by cops because something he said in an email freaked his mother out. He was asleep when they came by as well which was really not good. I guess the good thing is that they are making an attempt to help him this time.

I had an email from my parents which I am presently not in a fit state to think about too much. It just seems that they really don't get it at present.

Well one thing at a time, and even though it is only just after 7:00 pm I am going to lie down and try and get some sleep. I am flipping exhausted.