I'm on the ward. Arrived about 9pm yesterday. I was so sure he was going to say I was fine. I tried not to by distracting and pacing but I have SHed today. I tried to cut out the implant but couldn't get deep enough with the blade I smuggled in. So I asked for one of the ward's razors but they said no. They didn't see where I'd already cut. I also hurt elsewhere to punish myself, they don't know that either. Now I'm hiding in the corner feeling vulnerable.
Mum persuaded me it's dangerous for others for me to have a blade so i gave it in. I feel very vulnerable without it. One of the cuts bled again so I asked the nurse to look at it, she was very kind. Night staff weren't impressed that I'd hidden a blade, said they were going to search my room.
Well done for handing it in. I understand how it would make you feel vulnerable not having self harm as an option but it is better to be safe. I am glad there was a kind nurse.
I am sorry the night staff reacted that way but guess it might be because they feel responsible for not having found blade when you first came in?
Maybe. I don't think they did search it because my room was just as tidy as when I left it. Normally they throw bedding etc everywhere when they search! I genuinely did only bring the one hidden tool.
I'm trying to do therapy but it's not going very well...
1. Define the problem
I am being held captive by the Organisation
2. Brainstorm solutions
Cut out the implant - I have nothing sharp enough
Escape from the ward - I have nowhere to go
Kill myself - I haven't the means, and I don't really want to
I'm sorry things are so hard and that you're struggling without the blade but it is definitely for your own good and safety, Tamo. I hope that they're able to help you with the Organisation soon and realising that it's your brain which is causing these thoughts. Sending love and a bit of spare strength. Try to let them help.
I *think* I've got my first ward rounds tomorrow morning. My mum's going to come to explain their side of it. I think I'm going to ask for an exorcism.
They're going to increase my clozapine. I'm scared they are trying to make me forget the truth. I've considered refusing meds but last time I did that I ended up IP for over a year - not good.
I thought if I explained everything to them calmly they would see the truth. That didn't work.
The Man said he was my guardian angel so I had to obey him. The staff member told me God wouldn't want me to do those things. I'm not sure who i believe right now. But i have no means to hurt myself, don't worry.
It must be hard to have so many different opinions from people and yourself and not knowing for sure what is the 'truth.' Please believe me that we have seen you go through similar times before and you have come out of them feeling better with guidance from health professionals. I know it might be hard to trust people but they really are doing their best for you. I hope you can take the increased Clozapine and it's not distressing for you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
We know your religion is important to you. We aren't religious so we hope we do not word this poorly, but is there a religion mentor (like priest, rabbi, etc) that you trust and could maybe speak with about some of this stuff?
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm going to try to speak to our parish priest, if not the priest for this parish. They can be hard to pin down.
I tried to cut out the implant, only scratched. I handed in what I used. The nurse on checks knew but also knew I wasn't going to do any damage so she left me to hand it in myself.
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 02-10-2023 at 07:03 PM.
