My sister just spoke to me again. She said that eating is being nice to your body, that your body needs food. This shocks me! I suppose one of my core beliefs is that eating is bad for me, whatever the food.
Everyone on TV is so skinny, it makes me feel fat. But I enjoy the programmes so I just have to deal with it.
We know that the bodies shown in the mainstream media are pretty far removed from those that the vast majority of 'normal' people live in. I'd like to challenge the 'feeling fat' sentiment again - learning to view the word 'fat' as a neutral descriptor did wonders for me. It's just a body type. It doesn't make you less intelligent or worthy or beautiful or funny or kind, just as having green eyes doesn't make you more jealous! It's a standard that has been imposed on us (against our will!), and if you look at 'fat' as a bad thing, you are actually discriminating against an entire subset of the population who have that body type.
I absolutely HATED it when people asked me this, but when you say you 'feel fat', what are the actual emotions/feelings you are feeling? Because if someone came up to you and said 'how are you feeling today' and you responded with 'I feel like I have brown hair', it wouldn't really answer the question.
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Originally Posted by tamobhuuta
My leggings don't fit, I hate myself.
It's hard when clothes don't fit us, especially if we like them or place a value on them. Do you have clothes that do fit comfortably? Could you put the offending leggings in a bag in a cupboard, (maybe ready to donate) and wear something that doesn't constantly remind you of your body?
When was the last time you tried the leggings on? Bodies change, they're designed to. It would be really odd if your body never changed, right? Could you use this as an opportunity to go to a charity shop or a shop you like going to, and get yourself some *better* leggings for a whole new chapter of your life with your body? Not saying you have to adore the way your body looks, I'm not sure anybody feels like that, at least not all the time, but you can certainly love and feel comfortable in the clothes you wear.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
OK, so what do you feel guilty about? Out of control of what? Because if the answer to either of those things is 'eating', then that's a whacky bit of brain wiring that needs to be addressed - if you did not eat, you would die. When you don't eat enough for however long, or if you tell yourself you're not allowed to eat, your brain and body will naturally work together to get you to eat more than you perhaps thought you should, in order to survive. It's a basic, biological fact.
Would it help to reframe the wardrobe division? If it helps to have 'comfy' clothes and 'superstar' clothes (for example), then go for it, but try to take the negative judgements out of it. (Again, 'fat' is not a negative word, but I feel like in this context it's being used as one)
So a few weeks ago, when your body was potentially less hydrated, at a different stage of your hormonal cycle, when you were perhaps eating too little, or had even been to the toilet more recently, the leggings were still not particularly comfortable, even if they technically fit? They don't sound like they're great leggings then!
The fit of clothes is not a barometer of your worthiness to wear nice clothes. It just indicates that particular item of clothing's compatibility with your body as it is now, not that you should change your body to wear it.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Eating more during the day is a really good idea! You might even feel better physically too - there's nothing wrong with sugar but for me at least, if I combine it with something with protein and/or fat, it actually gives me more energy for longer.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Those are both really positive updates, thanks so much for sharing :)
You are so much more than a clothes size. Also, they're so inconsistent it's really hard to know what's going to fit anyway. I cut labels out, which is partly a sensory thing, but it does mean I can't remember what size a lot of my clothes are too!
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I think my sister threw up this morning, I heard my mum telling her off (she has spoken with the ED service about how to help her so I assume being strict is OK by them). It's a shame because it's been a while since my sister felt the need to do that.
It's sometimes hard living with her ED, normal talk has to be modified eg "Did you have cake?", "Would you like cake?", "I really enjoyed my cake." are all off limits.
However, she watches cookery programmes!
Last edited by tamobhuuta : 14-02-2022 at 12:13 PM.
Reason: Add a bit
I'm sorry your sister is struggling again, but try to keep your eyes on recovering your relationship with food (as difficult as that must be).
I think what a lot of people forget is that when one person has an eating disorder, the people around them have to continue their lives. You can't stop talking about food around your sister - that won't help anyone, especially not you. Of course, moralising (I shouldn't eat this/I'm being naughty etc) food is a different story, but simply talking about your enjoyment of food/what you're having for dinner etc is normal. I don't know anything about your sister but if people had stopped offering me food and including me, that would have made things ten times worse (even if it's what I thought I wanted at the time) because that's what the eating disorder wants. Talking about food is a normal healthy thing to do - it's fuel and culture and enjoyment (and so much more). It must be so hard when you're in waiting list limbo because she needs to be safe but making food a big taboo subject isn't going to help anyone in the long run.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
I talked to L about it and she disagrees with you. She said we know Naomi best and we already treat my sister correctly. She says we don't do things that are unhelpful, that we are including her in meals etc. That isn't my experience.
