Contains sexual abuse - The Bubble

[[SundayGirl]]

I made an appointment with a therapist to talk about what happened to me. But I had a panic attack & didn't turn up.

I don't know how not to feel disgustingly sick when I think about it.
If nobody knows then it didn't really happen to me did it ...

[DestroyMe]

*safe hugs* do you think you could ease into talking about it so it's not so overwhelming?

this weeks been hard. constantly dissociating and having flashbacks even when I'm in the middle of doing something. I hate this month and the fact that it holds a traumaversary :/

[Epicene]

Sundaygirl, I'm sorry you were unable to make your appointment. I can relate to not feeling able to share things for fear that it makes it more real. But ultimately, sharing what happened can take some of the pain and shame away from you. Do you think you could rearrange the appointment and explain how anxious you were? They might have advice on how to cope with the anxiety.

Destroy, I'm sorry you're struggling a lot. Remember that you are safe now, even if it is an anniversary. Do you have any ways of taking care of yourself that are relaxing and safe?

[Bellatrix]

sorry i have't been around much.
I'm going to be around more because you guys deserve so mucI support and love and I want to give it mo reoften.

[Epicene]

*hugs J*
That's so kind of you. But remember to take breaks if its ever too much or becomes triggering!

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

Feeling really triggered after yesterdays phone call from the police, I keep going backwards in time. They said they were interviewing a witness today, they said they'd call me back today but didn't, I understand they're busy but its still frustrating. I'm trying to do something constructive rather than give in to urges; I'm making a mosaic tray :)

[DestroyMe]

*hugs Helen* that's good that you're doing something else that's not destructive!

and Epicene- somewhat yes. staying in the house all the time makes it worse but I can't seem to go outside for more then a few hours.

[Charmed]

Kit (your profile said your name I hope that's okay), could you perhaps plan something nice to do in the few hours you are out of the house? Maybe walking around a nice area etc. As well as plan safe things to do at home? Take care.

Helen, that sounds rather difficult lovely, I'm sorry it's taking so long for them to sort things out *gentle hugs* well done on doing something constructive, the mosiac tray sounds good.

J, you are lovely, but remember to take care of yourself first <3

I'm going away for quite a long time soon and am really worried about how I am going to cope with flashbacks and panic attacks and dissociation especially. I've tried really hard to stay safe and not doing anything destructive on the weeks leading up to leaving but I failed which hasn't given me much hope.

[LittleCloud]

I'm sorry to hear Helen *gentle hugs*. I remember going through a similar process two years ago. Do you have an officer managing your case or a womens police worker there who you could talk to especially. I know that helped me, but the only way I found out was going in and bugging them a lot which is awful for your mental health. I hope you can get someone to support you more.
Want to see photos here or facebook of the tray when done!!!!

Feel exhausted; ill; scared and lonely.... feel faraway and finding it hard not to be held but I think if someone did I'd just fall apart and be lost...

[dbus-daemon]

All the guilt, self-blame and self-hate has come back again.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm sending everyone warming cuddles & glitter. <3

x x x

[DestroyMe]

I'm so on edge lately I'm snapping at everyone and picking fights and it doesn't help that I had a friend say something that made me angry when she flat out knows that today is really not a good day for me at all. :/ kinda want to just hide in a hole and not come out until July to be honest

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm sorry your friend upset you Kit *cuddles* Can you speak to him/her about it?, As for hiding, its OK to take a break for yourself sometimes, can you stay in today & do something kind for yourself?

I had the smear test today & it was awful, I cried the whole way through & it was so embarrassing, not to mention triggering, I ended up dissociating & then when I got home I spent lots of money on Amazon & I'm just feeling so fragile, the procedure itself wasn't that bad, but the aftermath was, it brought back a lot of memories I thought I'd forgotten,,, On a plus side I now have 5 colouring books & 6 DVDs on the way

[Bellatrix]

well done helen. that was really brave of you.i'm not sure i could have done it.
sorry i haven't been round much.i think of you all often thoughx

[Epicene]

Well done for being so brave Helen. I'm sorry it was so traumatic and hope your Amazon goodies give you a positive distraction.

I'm struggling a lot today with nightmares I had last night. They were about abuse and I don't know how much is fiction and how much is true. Also struggling with DID stuff.

[dbus-daemon]

I have had the worst nightmare yet. It was truly terrifying. I dreamt that Boris was in my bedroom. He had a gun and shot the window in. He then swung, Tarzan like, into the room from a tree. He then attacked me, sexually. I tried to escape, but he followed me. I found an M1 carbine but no bullets. I can't remember much more after that, except wherever I went I couldn't get away from him. I went everywhere – a restaurant, a bus, the high street. He was still there.

When I awoke I found that the nightmare had triggered a flashback to 10 years ago when I was being abused as a boy. Something about the nightmare, the circumstances I suppose, led me back a decade. It lasted I don't know how long.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Maybe triggering, maybe too rambley

I re-lived it, the feeling, the sound and everything really. I could feel the acute terror I felt back then. Despite it being a hot summer's evening, I was cold and shaking with the fear as he violated me. I could feel the fear and physical pain from being attacked. I remembered when it was all over, the fear of trying to keep it a secret.

I remember a mate, the next day at school, asking me why I had bruises to my wrists and why I looked so scared. He saw blood on my white PE shorts and asked me what had happened. I was still in incredible pain and bleeding from the previous night. I couldn't tell him because I was so scared. The paedos made all sorts of threats to keep me quiet. He worked out what had happened in a flash.

A few months later, a dark November night, he came across me and that sick beast in the forest. He never let me know what he saw and heard until a few years later. He said that everything made sense - my fear, my drinking and drug addictions, constant nervousness, unexplained rage and my self-harming. That comment I made one night, about wishing someone was dead.

I am incapable of showing anyone fear or anxiety. It all stems back from my childhood and when I was being abused. I couldn't show that I was scared or anxious even during the abuse. If I did, it meant that I admitted what was happening to me. I had to put on an air of being strong and calm, even while being drugged and raped aged 13. If I appeared strong, calm and happy then nobody could find out what was happening. I felt that fear and anxiety was like admitting weakness. The abusers used a lot of threats to keep me quiet. They were really disgusting and evil men.

The worst part is equally the same as it was in all cases. My mates know that I am being abused. They knew a decade ago and they know what’s happening now. Some of them have seen and heard my ex attacking me. It’s humiliating that they know how weak I am. Again it’s the inability to show fear.

ETA: I am now scared of sleeping. I can't escape him even in my sleep.

[DestroyMe]

read something on FB that set off a load of flashbacks :/ and there's no way to black list said content without blocking the entire page [which I don't want to do because usually the page itself isn't triggering. but I happened to catch something explaining how child m*lest*rs operate that set off flashbacks :/]

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

There's no need to be sorry for not being around much J, You just take care of your beautiful self.

J, Nightmares are horrid & really throw you off, its not surprising you are/were struggling with DID,, How are you feeling today? Did you manage to ground yourself atall?

Kit, Facebook can be great for socializing but not so much when random things pop up & trigger you. Can you hide the post itself so there is no way it can pop up again?

dbus-daemon, Do you have any techniques that help you through a flashback, any grounding &/or distractions?, If you don't live alone are you able to go & be with someone caring till you're feeling safer?, In regard to your ex attacking you & your friends knowing, are you able to reach out to someone more understanding, a family member or proffesional?

[dbus-daemon]

The flashbacks don't usually happen very often but they did again last night when I was trying to sleep. They didn't last long and I haven't had any nightmares. About my mates knowing, it's just the humiliation of them knowing what he's doing to me.

[DestroyMe]

Helen- I've unfollowed the page for now until I feel I'm stable enough to be able to handle it. been really dissociated and keep losing time lately. it happens a lot and I know what causes it but it's gotten worse over the last couple days.

dbus-daemon- can you maybe tell someone about what's happening? a teacher maybe explain to your friends that you need help?