I might be dead.

[Auror.]

Tried to put it off.its not safe and how can I make any of it safe or see if I'm dead? It's not going away. I did wait.

[sherlock holmes]

Have you taken an overdose? Please call for help if you have.

[Snow White.]

What did you try to put off but couldn't?
What is not safe? I know it feels like it's not going away but maybe you don't need to act on it.
Please talk to us xx

[Auror.]

No not yet. Trying not to . Dog is asleep next to me so do not want to get up and wake her. Sleep has not really happened. Keep having nightmares or wake up because I think k keep panicking. Will have to get up for class and to take her out may have to do it then. It's all jumbled up again.

[Snow White.]

You've done so well to not hurt yourself or overdose Carmen, please don't give in now. What do you think would help to keep you safe? I'm glad your puppy is by your side.

[Auror.]

I don't know. I've missed my classes again too now. I can't just stay in bed all day she has to go out eventually. I'm not sure i can stop it. It feels inevitable.

[Snow White.]

I understand that feeling, things can sometimes feel inevitable when we are so overwhelmed but that doesn't mean it IS inevitable, doesn't mean you have to act on it.

Is it worth emailing your tutors saying you're going through some significant mental health problems right now that are impacting your attendance?

[Auror.]

I probably should but I have no idea what to say. I don't think that is a legit excuse or even the truth.

edit. Plus I have no way to prove anything at all. So I don't know. Is there even a point? I don't want to lie.

edit: it seems the neighbor next to me, whom i rarely hear, is deciding to play very loud music. i am trying to play music of my own to drown it out but it is not working. i have an assignment due tonight that i need to do. i can't focus. i'm starting to panic because i need their stupid music to stop. this is not the person below me who usually makes the walls and floor vibrate. i don't know what to do. i can't focus and i don't want to deal with this anymore.

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry I wasn't able to reply sooner - what happened with the music?

It is a very real and valid reason to be struggling, you're not lying or making this up. You're not out having fun instead of being in class. You're genuinely unwell. I do think an email is a good idea to your teachers, the sooner the better. Doesn't have to go into great detail. But might ease your anxiety about it a bit.

[Buttons.]

When I was at uni and someone was playing stupidly loud music I a) asked them to turn it down but more successfully b) bought a good pair of earplugs. Could you perhaps try earplugs? If you get decent ones they really do block out noise so you can concentrate.

In other news hope things get better for you sweetheart *hugs gently*

[Auror.]

I ended up leaving and putting the dog in the crate which I feel really bad about. But I went to the library on campus (it is open 24/7) and got the assignment done. I just got home and it appears to have stopped.

I don't know what to tell them. I have no explanation. Literally.

[Auror.]

Thanks Katy. I have considered buying earplugs. The problem is I am afraid I will not hear something in the surroundings that would be important and that would also be problematic. :P

edit: And by that I mean I would probably want to wear them all the time because most of the time I just want everyone in the world to shut up. So not being aware of surroundings could be a legit concern. :P

[Snow White.]

Well done on getting your assignment done! You kindof just glossed over that but I think it's a huge achievement t given how you're feelong. It goes to show that even if something feels hard, you can do it :)

Sometimes in my emails I say something like I'm struggling with my mental health which has impacted my attendance, I'm doing x, y to try and help get better but It is a slow process and I am trying my best.

Could you think of anything like that you could say?

[Auror.]

It was just a blog post on a specific topic, which was something I already know about and care about. So it was not difficult once I actually could focus enough to read the prompt. So not really a big deal. The hard part is actually being able to focus and make sense of things.

I'm not doing anything though and I've not mentioned it before. Saying it is mental health seems like a copout especially with no proof.

[Auror.]

I should write an email but I can't do it. I don't know how to say anything that doesn't sound like I am lying or making things up. There's nobody I can talk to in real life to ask for help with this, which might help because then they could sit with me and help think it through.

I literally do not talk to anyone other than my mother and I don't tell her anything about stuff like that, and have no intentions to. The last time I even asked her what she wanted to do with renewing my lease for my apartment (which is up next month) she told me she didn't want me moving while in school because she was afraid it was too stressful. Um. What? That doesn't even make logical sense, and all she knows about recently was the one hospital admission (for an od) from back in October which I told her was due to stress from a class I was taking at the time.

There are a couple of people in each of my on campus classes that I talk to when I go, but I haven't gone in two weeks. I ask work related questions to my supervisors at work and exchange hello and goodbye with a couple of the coworkers. I exchange hellos and how are yous with the baristas when I go get coffee. That my interaction offline. There's nobody I can ask for help or talk to about what is really going on. I can't even ask my half sister anymore because she's moved in with her soon to be husband who lives an hour away, and I'm too afraid of her telling our dad something.

The only people who text me are my mom and a couple of people I know from online places, so it's not like I can ask them for help either.

I get it's my own doing. I've isolated everyone because nobody knows how to deal with this. Which is funny. All of my more recent friends knew about the self harm and some of the other stuff and always said they'd be supportive. But I guess a year later they realise it's too much and all bailed months ago. I get it. It's just hard because then when you really could use someone, there's nobody to turn to.

[Auror.]

I came up with an email. It was crappy and I am sure sounded like an excuse. I can't focus on coursework. I am so so behind. I'm not sleeping again and I know how this is going to end up but there's not a damn thing I can do. I honestly just want to od and get it over with. But I'm scared because there is literally nobody who can take care of the dog for me if I end up in hospital, and I'm going to feel so guilty that it seems better to just kill myself. She deserves a better, proper, human.

[Snow White.]

I'm sorry I'm so useless but I've been reading.

I saw your rant thread and I think meeting on Tuesday would be a good idea. You mention you should go to class tomorrow, do you not have Easter Monday off?

Honestly I think whatever you have to do to keep most safe you should do. It isn't pathetic. Many people here are doing things to help keep them safe, you're not alone in having to do that.

[Auror.]

Thank you lovely. I feel pretty alone right now so it means a lot. <3

We don't get Monday off. Easter's not much of a holiday here other than some things being closed on Sunday.

My TA was really lovely- she sent me a long text saying she thought emailing was really brave and it was her job to help me do well. But it doesn't change anything.

I don't feel very safe and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to od soon enough. I want it over with because at least if I do it on my own terms I could maybe keep it manageable.

[Snow White.]

Awwh that is really sweet that she acknowledged it was brave of you to email. What do you mean it doesn't change anything? It might give you more support - and maybe less guilt when you're not well enough to go in.

Why do you want to overdose?

Please try and stay safe. You're doing a really good job so far, really really good. Maybe meeting on Tuesday will be helpful. Please hold on.

[Auror.]

It doesn't change anything because there's not going to be much she can do. The professor has the final say and he's not exactly lenient or understanding. I've not heard from my other professor even though I emailed her as well, and I've not said anything to my two professors for my online courses.

I feel like at least if I did it and got it over with it'd be easier to put anything else, especially a proper od off. There's nothing anyone can do. I just feel completely trapped and alone and the more I keep putting it off the worse it has to be.

I managed to sleep for a few hours earlier so sleep isn't happening anytime soon. I feel sick. I can't face going to classes or work tomorrow. Nothing feels safe and I'm pretty sure I'm going to at least have to take something to get through until Tuesday.


edit:
I'm afraid to try and sleep again. At this point if I do sleep, I'll not make it to class.
If I don't sleep, I could maybe get to class. But then I'll be too tired to go to work.
My mom watches the dog while I'm at work so would not have an explanation for her.
I feel trapped. ODing seems to make more sense?
I don't know. I don't know.